What to do when you struggle to be supportive?

[MorningLisa]

My mother is going though a very difficult for her divorce and is leaning on me heavily. I feel exhausted and I'm not performing the way she needs me to. I am not sympathetic because I think the divorce is for the best (the was DV, cheating, emotional abuse involved).

She used to speak to her mother all the time about it, but the advice there was that God has a plan and to hold on. My grandmother died 2 years ago and ever since then, I have become the person she tells everything to, regardless of whether I want to hear it or not.

I really don't want to support her. I know it's awful to admit this but I just feel so resentful that I'm being dragged into this and she's crying to me, her daughter, about sacrificing everything for this marriage and him divorcing her regardless.

I think a big reason she stayed was because of me. She wanted to keep the family together at all costs. So I feel responsible in an indirect way, just by existing.

I'm not a dick and I've been outwardly sympathetic but I'm struggling to keep up the charade.

We are not close and for the first 3 years of my life I was raised by my grandparents and only saw DM on weekends. Then when she took over caring responsibilities I was a "difficult child" so we never bonded.

I don't know how I can go on like this. But I need practical tips because surely it will all end eventually.

Sorry, there's obviously a lot going on. I know I'm being selfish but I'm tired of it. All I ever wanted when I was growing up is to leave and get away from them. Now I'm getting dragged back in.

It's not selfish, she is demanding too much from you. It's not fair on you (then or now).

How are you communicating together, phone or in person? Is she seeking help from her GP?

I learnt a lot about interpersonal effectiveness and communication. If you Google DEARMAN skills you should see some examples. It might help in communicating, setting a boundary and maintaining it.

You're not being selfish OP, bloody hell, what a fucking nightmare for you. Your 'Mum' is being emotionally needy and using you as a crutch. You don't have to be this available to her, it's ok not to be able to cope, none of us are responsible for anyone else's mental health but our own. We are given so many messages in society about being kind and respecting our elders but if we have been rejected or treated coldly in childhood then our childhood memories of this will be strong and we are vulnerable to ending up in exactly the situation you are in and I can understand why you feel so conflicted. Somehow you need to set your own boundaries, if you can do this alone then great, if not then please see a therapist to help you with this. I've needed a lot of therapy to work this stuff through, my parents also stayed together because of me (although actually it had bloody nothing whatsoever to do with me because it was always about them regardless, which I suspect is true of your Mum too) and I also felt continuously like a burden and a blot on their time. There is a way through, it is hard though, but ultimately we don't have to live a life in the legacy that we were raised in. Good luck OP.