Not feeling the love anymore

[Whatsinaname321]

I’m married, been married for over 20 years.
The last five years I just feel like I have slowly fallen out of love and the love feels totally gone now.
I have had sex on too many occasions just to appease my husband and it has just completely killed whatever was left of my libido.
My husband isn’t horrible and does help out around the house but he is just so reliant on me to sort things out and do things for him that he can’t be bothered to figure out / finds too taxing to do for himself. It feels like he was much more independent when we met and now he behaves like he has no common sense.
I have been on the verge of leaving a few times and I only stayed because it was easier for the children and I worry about regretting my decision to end the marriage and about being able to put a decent roof over the children’s heads.

My husband isn’t abusive and I’m sure there are much worse men out there but I just feel stuck in limbo and I don’t feel happy with the relationship.

Just because you're not married to a complete arsehole it doesn't mean you should stay with him. Everyone deserves true happiness and your husband not being abusive doesnt amount to that unfortunately.

Do you think there's a marriage or any lingering love left to save? Do you think things could ever get back to true happiness?

Speak to him.

This is my story too. Oh, apart from he hasn't wanted sex for ten years (neither have I, with him, for many reasons) and also he barely does anything around the house. But I absolutely relate to your frustration at him being helpless with certain tasks and feeling like his mother. No common sense whatsoever. All of this is very very unattractive, and he wonders why I don't go round the house all happy clappy!!!
I think you need to get out, OP. Me too. I know it's hard when you're thinking of the children, but it drains your soul, it really does x

I’ve spoken to him, numerous times. He thinks the marriage is worth saving and that he doesn’t want it to end.

I think I’m just too busy putting his feelings and the children’s physical needs (shelter etc) as a priority over my own feelings.

Some days the marriage feels okay but more than 50% of the time I feel incredibly irritated by my husbands presence and I don’t find him fun anymore.

The things I feel are making me so unhappy seem quite trivial when I try to quantify them.

Thank you 19bears it’s helpful to realise I am not on my own in finding this inept attitude so emotionally draining and unattractive.
I didn’t marry a stupid man and I don’t understand why he seems to have become stupid.
I’m not sure I can spend another 20 years with somebody who can’t think for himself. I know I need to get out, it’s just feels so difficult to make that leap and I feel quite guilty at the prospect of putting my own happiness in front of everybody else’s happiness and needs.

How about putting your needs first and see how he feels about the marriage then. Stop having unwanted sex for a start followed by not washing his clothes ironing or doing his cooking.

I totally understand this— problem is I’ve found I don’t actually want sex either because I feel like a cross between Cinderella /PA and a therapist . Unfortunately they do still want a sex life—which has meant they watch far too
Much porn behind my back — hence I’m not interested , as they aren’t respecting my views on this - a totally viscious circle sadly I have come to the conclusion that I’m not the best person to be in a relationship beyond 50 because I actually find the good things (and we do get on well most of the time) don’t outweigh the constant compromise/feeling obliged sexually. I’m in a situation where I need to save up if I want to leave for all kinds of reasons as I will likely need to put 6 months rent down- so this is what I am gradually doing. Not a horrible bloke, but I feel it no longer is what I want.

I don’t wash his clothes or do his ironing. He does more than his fair share of housework. I just don’t feel emotionally connected to him anymore. I feel resentment that he expects me to do his thinking for him.

But I do need to say no to sex far more often. I just go along with it to stop his sulking and grumpiness but that just make me even less attracted to him.

I guess I am just scared of throwing away more than 2 decades just because I feel fed up.

crikeyalmighty it could have been me writing every word you wrote. And yes, I also need at least 6 months rent in order to move out. Even with six months rent it will be difficult as so little comes up for rent near enough to my children’s school and the landlords are prioritising people who are in full time employment and can pay rent without any benefits, which I am not in a position to be able to do.

I did see a divorce solicitor for advice and she said that realistically I would have to sit tight and divorce whilst living in the house with my husband and hope that the courts would make a financial award which was sufficient for me to buy a smaller house in the area.

You're not throwing away 20 years, OP. It's been an experience, part of life, and now you're ready for the next part. To me, it's like HS2. Yes, a LOT of money has already been spent on it, and a LOT of work has been done, but if it's not going to be the success or answer to all our transport problems we thought it was going to be, don't bloody plough on with it!!!

Can you not stay in the house and him leave?

19bears thank you.
I actually do need to be told that it isn’t throwing away 20 years. I feel that most people will think I am being selfish and silly to throw in the towel so it’s nice to see somebody say different.

I asked him to leave previously in a heated row and told him that I didn’t want to live with him anymore and he made it clear that he was just as entitled as me to live here and that he has nowhere else to go and no money to find somewhere.
I honestly can’t see him ever agreeing to leave because he thinks the marriage still has plenty of mileage left and if he leaves it will be a mistake.

Mine will feel the same @Whatsinaname321. Despite the porn and also finding out about an emotional affair/infatuation from way back a few years ago . Problem is that whilst I can kind of forgive, I can’t forget and no longer feel 100% ‘in’ if you know what I mean. I also feel I need permission to do things in life— if for instance I wanted to go and do anything with friends for a week, I sort of have to get it ‘signed off’ if you know what I mean— we no longer have a child at home and yet I still Feel he wants me around all the time and whilst it’s not controlling ‘as such’ - it does make me feel a bit like I need to ‘get a pass’ to do anything. I think the big issue is a total lack of friends on the doorstep for other company for him (part of the issue of moving abroad I guess) .

I have just separated from my husband of over twenty five years. I cannot say for him that he was perfect, but he was not horrible either. There was a lot of emotional and financial abuse over the years though, but also yes, him changing from very good father and a husband to a very passive one who was not very engaged. He is also kind of narcissistic, self centered and can be rude. I felt like he did not really respect me, appreciated me or loved me (although he was always saying "I love you" to me, but I do not think he really knows the meaning of the words). We did not communicate so well, we could not discuss things in a calm and productive way. Whenever I would bring a problem up, he would become defensive and eventually stop talking to me. Silent treatment was his method of "communication" and more and more I felt like we were stuck, like we were getting nowhere. I was feeling more and more unhappy to the point of feeling suffocated. He too wanted us to be intimate but I had no interest in sex for years. I did "make my self available" (god this sounds so awful) as much as I could though to avoid conflict and sulking and silent treatments, but I could not do that any more either.

Funny thing is, he was "shocked", did not think it was "that bad", when I finally told him that I wanted to separate. Even though over the months I had said many times that our marriage was in "crises", started counseling and offered him to go to couples counseling which he right away refused.

Anyway, he moved out one month ago and although I often feel anxious and sad and guilty, I know it was the right thing to do. It felt so good to tell him that I wanted to separate, to say it out loud, to feel like I am finally being true to myself, that I am finally validating my own feelings rather then pushing them down and away.

The thing is, you do not have to look for reasons, excuses. You do not have to justify your decision to anyone. Your needs and feelings are good enough reason to decide to move on. A relationship sometimes run its course and it is time to go separate ways.

oh, ladies you are all so brave - much braver than me anyway. Same emotions, same problems, same lack of real communication - and yet I am still here. I have much less courage than you

So sorry you are going through similar @Crikeyalmighty

What you say about making yourself available to keep the peace @freeatlast2021 really really resonates. It’s horrible to admit that this is what I have been doing i hate arguments and actively avoid them to my own detriment. I love that you have broken free abs have the username to match. Hopefully I will find similar courage.

I am still stuck here too @loopylindi
Still here procrastinating, worrying and not enjoying life