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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've moved on but I feel he owns me

8 replies

Londongirl1987 · 02/09/2021 12:43

It's been almost a year since I sat my children's dad down and said we haven't been working for 2 years and I felt we were over. I've gently brought it up several times since and he's not budging. He's waiting for me just incase. He doesn't want to discuss the house or anything. I'm currently not working as I care for my kids and will be returning to work next year around school hours I hope! I don't wish to be living of him but he just doesn't want to change the kids lives. Which I understand.

2 months ago I started dating someone. We've known eachother 18 months now. I'm not sure yet what it is. We've discussed long term so far we feel we've got close very quickly. But who knows! There's alot to consider and so I treat it as something for me right now. Sex. Conversation. Laughter.
Right now it doesn't involve my children. It doesn't involve family. But I'm walking around feeling so guilty and it's because my ex won't have the conversation we need to have. He knows about this man and that we talk and there are emotions and feelings. But I believe he would let me get away with anything and get back with my tomorrow, which I don't want!! I am managing his feelings. So once a week I stay out for a night and one night I go out for about 4 hours after the kids are in bed. But I feel like I'm being timed. I feel under pressure and like ill get caught out soon. I've opened up to my sister and close friends but everyone else is in the dark. All because he doesn't want to tell his family.

Am I a bad person for wanting a man in my life?

OP posts:
Jessaas · 02/09/2021 12:45

Is the house owned or rented? Is it in both your names?

PepsiHoover · 02/09/2021 12:48

You've posted about this before OP, haven't you?

You're giving him all of the control in the relationship. You don't need his permission to do anything. Start the ball rolling yourself. Get the house valued and one of you leave.

ImprobablePuffin · 02/09/2021 12:48

Why are you allowing him this level of control over you?

It's over. You're moving on. If he won't discuss it, take things into your own hands. Start divorce proceedings. Tell him plain as day It. Is. Over.

MissSmiley · 02/09/2021 12:51

I waited 7 years for my husband to agree to a separation, it was really important for me to have him agree to it before I moved on. He offered me an open marriage if I would stay with him initially but I wasn't interested in that. I didn't start dating until we were living apart and even then my ex had a lot to say about babysitting while I "screwed other men", there was a long period of adjustment for him.
What I can say is that 4 years later we are very amicable and he's now seeing someone which I'm very happy about. It was worth trying to do things in the correct order in terms of staying on good terms and being gentle with his feelings.

Can you afford to live separately?

BeachDrifting · 02/09/2021 12:54

I don’t understand.

Why don’t you see a solicitor and file for divorce?

It’s been years. Do something

ImprobablePuffin · 02/09/2021 12:59

@MissSmiley

I waited 7 years for my husband to agree to a separation, it was really important for me to have him agree to it before I moved on. He offered me an open marriage if I would stay with him initially but I wasn't interested in that. I didn't start dating until we were living apart and even then my ex had a lot to say about babysitting while I "screwed other men", there was a long period of adjustment for him. What I can say is that 4 years later we are very amicable and he's now seeing someone which I'm very happy about. It was worth trying to do things in the correct order in terms of staying on good terms and being gentle with his feelings.

Can you afford to live separately?

What a waste of 7 years to keep a man happy.
mynameisbrian · 02/09/2021 13:00

Are you the OP who posted recently saying you told your DH you wanted to separate, he doesnt want to, you had a close friend who your now dating in secret and your not doing anything about moving as you dont work. So your waiting until you can get a job next week. The view on that thread was your effectively having an affair and using your DH as he is the only one contributing financially. I get the sense you expect your DH to do the right thing and pack his bags and leave them home so you can stay their with the DC, he can pay for you and conduct your relationship from their...

mynameisbrian · 02/09/2021 13:00

get a job next year not next week...

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