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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out partner is cheating

22 replies

MamaBee21 · 02/09/2021 08:03

I'm honestly just looking for advice on how to get through this.
My partner of 6 years sat me down 2 days ago and admitted he'd had an affair. The reason he finally admitted...when our son was born he ended up getting an eye infection at 2 weeks old after tests and me being with him in hospital for 5 days while on antibiotics I was told it was Chlamydial conjunctivitis. My heart sank when they told me, and I genuinely sat there thinking maybe it's me and I've had it since my previous partner and never known. I had so much guilt and felt awful and embarrassed at every Dr's appointment after that. My sons eye has cleared up perfectly and he's had all the treatment. I too am having treatment and we've carried on with life. Then 2 days ago, my partner was off with me and I wanted him to talk to me and that's when he spilled. He had an affair with 2 different women unprotected...And in our own bed! That hurt. He's then admitted that he went out bank holiday weekend and did it again. My birthday. He's now walked out on me and our 11 week old son. I'm absolutely broken. I'm angry that I put so much guilt on myself that I had hurt my son. I can't sleep, I'm not eating. I'm left picking up all the pieces and I'm struggling. The only thing getting me through this is my son. He is everything to me and I would die before I let anything else happen to him. I guess I'm just feeling a bit lost and would really appreciate some advice on how I can get through this more for him

OP posts:

spotcheck · 02/09/2021 08:08

One day at a time.
Very very small blessing is that he told you. Is he saying he is all repentant? I wonder if he told you so someone else didn't?

Don't let him manipulate you, if that is what his aim is .
Can you go to family for awhile?

OldEvilOwl · 02/09/2021 08:13

Wow ,what a bastard. Agree you need real life support. Can you go to family/friends or get them to come to you?

mintmotel · 02/09/2021 08:14

Do not feel guilty at all. You need to feel angry, furious in fact. Your partner has put yours and your baby's health at risk for his own cheap thrills!
You need to use that anger to power you through, if he's moved out bag up everything of his and send it on to him. He can get in touch to make arrangements to see DS, don't be doing any of the 'wife work' for him.
Tell your friends and family as much as you are willing to, but ask for help where you need it. I've found people are more than willing to roll their sleeves up and get stuck in, but most need to be told to so as not to be seen as interfering.
Join some mother and baby groups, either in real life or online (Facebook and meetup are good for this) to keep your mind occupied.
But above all else remember you can get through this and will.

Dizzy1234 · 02/09/2021 08:15

Absolutely rotten thing to do to you, what an absolute piece of shit he is.
Turn it around, your baby is fine, you're fine.
You've had a lucky escape, he would continue to cheat on you and your life will have been one of uncertainty, worrying if he's cheating again, every time he leaves the house.
Now you know, you can start to rebuild your life without him, you will get over it, you've just had a baby, hormones will be all over the place, it's the worst ever time for this to happen to you.
Lean on your family and friends, you will cope and don't let him come back, once you forgive him he'll know he can get away with it and will cheat again, believe me, its not like it was a one off, drunken mistake, its several times.
Chin up, tits out, you got this girl ❤️

putthetubeinthebin · 02/09/2021 08:16

You poor thing. What an absolute arsehole.

Try to eat little bits even a biscuit with a cup of tea. Your baby needs you strong.

Have you told family or friends yet?

girlmom21 · 02/09/2021 08:19

He's a piece of shit and I'm sorry you and your boy are going through all of this, but at least you know now and won't be put at any further risks.

Be kind to yourself. Take things slowly and make sure you eat. Lean on your friends and family for all of the support you need.

Original poster

MamaBee21 · 02/09/2021 08:19

Everytime I've asked why, all I get from him are don't knows. I don't think he's sorry at all, he's sorry he got caught and risked our son.
My family have been really supportive and are trying their best to keep me distracted as well as his family, who are obviously a big part of my life too. Its just so hard to take all of this in. So many broken promises, sitting there talking about our future when he knows what he's done.

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 02/09/2021 08:20

What an absolute scumbag.

Don't let him back, he won't change.

Have you registered the birth?

Original poster

MamaBee21 · 02/09/2021 08:23

Yeah the birth was registered when he was 4 weeks old

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 02/09/2021 08:25

How will you be financially? Have you applied for child benefit? Is your home owned or rented?

Original poster

MamaBee21 · 02/09/2021 08:35

My house is rented, child benefit I'm still waiting to hear back from.
I'm stressing so much about money especially now I'm on maternity. I'm a support worker so my pay isn't that great while on off.
He has said he'll keep paying me his half to keep a rood over mine and our sons head but I don't know how long that will last. And I feel that he still has this hold on me then too but I need to do what's best for my son.

OP posts:

Treesinthewind · 02/09/2021 08:47

You'll likely be entitled to universal credit, which also covers 85% of childcare costs when you need to go back to work.
You'll find a strength you didn't know you had to look after yourself and your son. Get as much support from family as you can right now and take it a day at a time.

MrsBertBibby · 02/09/2021 09:04

Are you getting statutory maternity pay, or maternity allowance?

Original poster

MamaBee21 · 02/09/2021 09:11

I'm only getting Statutory maternity pay

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 02/09/2021 09:16

Here's how to apply for Universal Credit. That includes help with rent.

www.gov.uk/apply-universal-credit

IdblowJonSnow · 02/09/2021 09:17

That feeling of shock and betrayal is massive and will take time to wane.
It's really great you've told people and have support.
It's a case of one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Be very kind and gentle with yourself and please don't ever take him back!
Journaling might help?
Also there is a book called Watermelon by M Keyes that might be helpful...

MrsBertBibby · 02/09/2021 09:17

Do you know what he earns?

Harlequin1088 · 02/09/2021 09:26

This is horrific. I feel so sad reading this.

Take one day at a time. Change the locks. You don't want him turning up when he feels like it. Bag up his belongings and since it sounds like you have a good relationship with his family, ask one of them to collect the bags to pass on to him so that he has no reason to attend the house.

Also, and I know it doesn't bear thinking about at the moment, book yourself in for a STD test as soon as possible. My concern would be that he's coughed to sleeping with other women but has perhaps minimised the true number. He's already put your health at risk so get yourself tested ASAP to at least put your mind at rest.

As I said, one day at a time

UserOfManyNames · 02/09/2021 09:42

Wow that is unforgivable! Passing an STI to his pregnant wife and newborn baby ending up in hospital because of it .

Agree with don’t ever take him back. He is utter trash.

You are not broken, you are in pain and distress but it will pass in time. For now gather support in getting your finances stable as a single mum and looking after yourself and your son. I’d look into claiming child support as the type of guy who’d do this to his wife and baby cannot be trusted in anything he says about paying the bills.

It’s good that he walked out. Go NC for as long as it takes you to get over this initial shock. Ask family to be the go between if he wants to see his child (whatever you’re comfortable with) so you don’t have to see him. How he could look his son in the face though I don’t know!

You can formalise visitation later with a solicitor.

CarefulDriver · 02/09/2021 09:47

Sorry substitute wife for girlfriend. Not that it makes much difference to damage he’s caused.

UserOfManyNames · 02/09/2021 09:48

Name change fail!

altmember · 02/09/2021 11:46

He's done you a favour by walking out - at least he hasn't tried to dig his heels in and refuse to go or begged you for forgiveness with some kind of guilt trip. Be aware that he's quite likely to come crawling back, get ready for that and make sure you don't let him back in. Make a claim single person claim for UC.

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