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Relationships

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Original poster

I don't like sex anymore....why???

22 replies

Jacqui22 · 03/12/2007 01:09

Hey
Look i need some advice. I have recently (6 weeks ago) given birth to a beautiful baby girl, she is great but since giving birth my relationship with my partner has gotten ugly. Before i gave birth i had no interest in sex but i put it down to hormones but after giving birth it just got worse. Whenever he even looks like he wants sex, i just freeze up and go all stiff because i really don't want to but i'm fine if he is kissing me but as soon as he moves down there i push him away. He is getting impatient with me because he really wants to and he totally cracked the sh!ts last night because i told him i have no interest in sex at all. I get turned on still and enjoy him touching me but as soon as it comes to sex......well you know already. If someone can tell me what to do or what is wrong with me it would greatly help....thanks

OP posts:

LaDiDaDi · 03/12/2007 01:12

You gaved birth 6 weeks ago. There is no other explanation needed for your lack of interest in sex!

Relationships can be very difficult after the birth of a child, it can put an enourmous pressure on you and raise issues that ytou'd never even considered but your dp just needs to give you a break tbh.

pollywollybauble · 03/12/2007 01:14

i don't know that there is anything wrong with you, you only gave birth 6 weeks ago. have you had your 6 week check to reassure yourself that everything has healed up ok?

Original poster

Jacqui22 · 03/12/2007 01:21

I have had my 6 week check up and everything is fine...apparently there is no reason why i should not be wanting sex. My dr told me i should see a counsellor if it worries me because i have the energy to but just not the will

OP posts:

pollywollybauble · 03/12/2007 01:24

i think i would freeze if dh pressured me especially if he "cracked the shits" if i tried to tell him how i felt...tell him to back off a bit?

sensiblehead · 03/12/2007 01:26

I can't believe your doc has said this to you! IME it is perfectly normal not to be ready this soon post-partum!

It is totally normal to feel like this, a quick search here will show you that many many women go through exactly what you are going through. Please don't feel bad, for a start pressure will only make things worse for you in the sex department and not only that but you are going through a massive change in your life and the last thing you need is pressure over something like this.

I am sure there are many MNers who will support you on this, there are not so many around this late, but please check in again, there will be plenty of advise for you!

Sorry I cannot be more help.

SHxx

Original poster

Jacqui22 · 03/12/2007 01:38

Well that makes me feel a little better

OP posts:

sensiblehead · 03/12/2007 01:51

I hope so, because it really is normal if you want to look into councilling then that is, of course, your perogative but I would be very surprised - based on what you have said - if they didn't tell you exactly what has been said here.

I think, the best I can suggest is getting some decent information on how long is "normal" and then sit down with your dh and talk things through properly. He needs to know that you need support not pressure, he also needs to know that you cannot be tied down to a time frame. As with all things to do with pregnancy, childbirth etc this will resolve in its own time and not before!

NotQuiteCockney · 03/12/2007 07:04

It is absolutely 100% normal to not feel like sex right now.

That being said, it sounds like you're interested, but nervous around intercourse? In which case, why not spend time on foreplay instead, and stick to that? (If that's what you want! Nothing wrong with not having sex at all!)

Your partner getting angry doesn't sound nice - can you be clear with him that it's not that you don't fancy him, it's that you don't want sex? (Assuming that's true.)

sensiblehead · 03/12/2007 11:42

Bump - Any words of wisdom from the day time crowd?

NineUnlovelyTinselDecorations · 03/12/2007 12:01

Most women I know didn't feel like doing anything remotely sexual for several months at least. You are doing well yo be doing anything at all. Your partner has no right to get angry - frustrated yes, but not angry. My DH and I have managed sex twice in 15 months but there is no way he would get angry with me about it.

I think you just need to let yourself be ready for sex in your own time and not before. You need to make your partner realise that putting pressure on you is counter productive. Does he normally get angry with you if he doesn't get his own way?

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 03/12/2007 12:04

Did you have a tear or an episiotomy? Are you scared that it might hurt? or what he might think of your body or his half of the sexual experience since your body has changed?

Or is it more that you feel like you're in mother-mode and you can't switch to feeling like his sex partner again? It's not easy squeezing in a sex life in the 90 mins between feeding a newborn!

It's not right that he's pressuring you into sex but to play devils advocate for a moment, he might be feeling rejected since he can't see any physical reason for you not to want sex. Some men can feel jealous of the baby, as if they've been replaced in your affections (which they have, in may ways, but don't tell them that!)

You need to have a think about what is bothering you about sex, and then talk talk talk to your dp, reassuring him that you still love him and want him, and this is normal and temporary (it most likely is temporary, and you'll feel more normal as time wears on and when baby moves out of your bedroom)

If it's just the thought of penetrative sex that makes you "freeze" can you satisfy each other in other ways until you feel comfortable having sex again?

JinglyJangly · 03/12/2007 14:30

6 weeks ain't long. Did you have an episiostomy (or whatever its called), because if you did I can totally realate to you not wanted sex.

Just give it another few months until you feel the time is right.

eyesfront · 03/12/2007 15:11

well, the 6 week thing is well answered above - i remember trying when ds1 was 6 weeks old because dh had read the books and thought 6 weeks was about normal. I was curious but could raise no enthusiasm at all, and the actual experience didn't change my mind. Awful. And given that sex is designed to make babies (yes! we all forget that bit don't we!) it would seem quite normal that we wouldn't want to bother when we have just popped one out.

But it does sound as though there might be something else going on for you - do you get sexually aroused by the kissing, or is it just emotionally nice?

LoveAngelGabriel · 03/12/2007 17:16

My son was born nearly 3 yrs ago and my sex drive still hasn't really returned. I think going off sex after birth is incredibly common, and not really wanting sex for a long time after is pretty common too. Your brain is so overloaded with other things right now that it's hard to relax enough to really get in the mood, and your DH putting pressure on you isn't going to help. Does he realise that? Sounds like you need to have another try at talking to him about it.

poppy34 · 03/12/2007 18:50

jacqui hardly surprising that you're not keen given all you've got going on. Can I ask is your partner tactile/affectionate at other times or only when you're in bed? It might be that you need to build up slowly - as you're probably in need of love/support with all you've been through but equally he is probably in need of it too as it is tough for new fathers . Maybe it is just that you need a slow build up to get back into it ?

ladylush · 03/12/2007 21:25

It was 3 months before I felt ready to have sex after giving birth. Though given the so called all clear, it all still felt tender down there well after 6 weeks.

Original poster

Jacqui22 · 04/12/2007 01:31

Thanks everyone for your advice has helped a lot, i don't feel so weird now

OP posts:

ladylush · 04/12/2007 23:30

You're not a freak at all - show your dp some of these comments so that he knows you are perfectly normal!

paulaplumpbottom · 04/12/2007 23:31

You only gave birth six months ago. Time is all you need.

madamez · 04/12/2007 23:35

Yup, you need more time. Between rampaging hormones and sleep deprivation, it's amazing that anyone manages much sex in the early months. Your DP has no right to be angry with you though. To give him the benefit of the doubt he may well need some reassurance and you do need to keep talking about it.

Without wishing to be nosy or interfering, might it be possible for him to get a porn mag and, um, sort himself out? Obviously don;t do this if either of you find the thought upsetting, but sometimes it can be helpful as a way of taking the pressure off.

ladylush · 04/12/2007 23:44

I think if men had to have babies they'd probably never have sex again and the population would die out.

turkEgyptlets · 05/12/2007 06:18

6 weeks paula!

i gave birth 8 months ago and still don't feel like it. I'm still breastfeeding and I'm sure my hormones are still in baby mode - ie my body is for her not for HIM! dh can't really understand. It's done little for his ego, men just don't get it.

Give it time

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