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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH and depression

3 replies

Deedee777 · 01/09/2021 22:30

He has changed hugely as a person in the last few years and discovering my attraction for him is near non existent. He doesn’t particular care for his weight, how he looks (flies are always undone) what he wears is generally quite shabby or dirt on it, he thinks about food always it’s 90% of our conversations, he doesn’t care for exercise. No life ambition or drive to do things. I have tried to speak to him many times over last few years saying I am unhappy but after talking about it things just revert back to how they were and he acts like everything is ok. I asked him how he sees our future and he can’t answer it. He avoids confrontation will forever deflect things or have excuses and not admit to anything.
He has agreed he thinks he’s depressed and has signed up with the mental health team for group therapy. Which is good but I am still the only person that knows he won’t talk to family or anyone. I am struggling to manage it all. We have a 3 year old DS who I love to pieces and he does too. I go away next week for work and I can’t wait to escape from it all. I feel hugely at a breaking point with handling it all and my feelings towards him. He’s not a bad person but has lost his way over the years where as I am finding myself and struggling with my feelings towards it all now & towards him. I know I’m not perfect and the more time goes on I am snapping more, shut off more from him. Sorry for venting & long post just not sure what to do or where to go. Has anyone else struggled with partners depression. Will group therapy help him? I am going to speak to a counsellor to help me through my thoughts and feelings.

OP posts:
Namebunny · 01/09/2021 22:50

Oh I’m with you. Dp very down after health issues. Very hard to deal, especially with kids absorbing it all. I don’t have much to offer as am still figuring out what to do and what I feel. Whether I can keep this up.
I did find out that I’m too quick to offer to help/ go for walks/listen and I’ve discovered it’s not healthy for me, so now I say he has half an hour to moan. I’m also doing more to protect myself from getting dragged down. It’s very hard, and tiring.

BrilloPaddy · 01/09/2021 23:03

His depression isn't a cloak that you have to wear too. Set strong boundaries and keep to them, otherwise he's just dragging you down to.

That isn't meant to sound unsympathetic, but he's not really engaging with making himself better by the sound of it. I'd be guiding towards the GP and medication as well..........

Deedee777 · 02/09/2021 13:50

@Namebunny I’m sorry you are going through something similar. You are right about protecting my/ yourself from it. It’s very easy to get dragged down with it all especially a long day at work (I have quite a stressful negative job at times) and to come home to it it’s hard to escape. How have you been getting on with the half hour to moan?

@BrilloPaddy again I set boundaries but these always seem to get broken. They have previously mentioned medication to him and he’s very against this so I doubt this will ever be an option.

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