If I described this what would you think…

[donaldbump]

Lack of empathy or regard for how their behaviour may impact someone else
Total disinterest in maintaining relationships with people
No interest in own children or wife
Difficulty wanting to communicate unless had alcohol to drink
Irritable
Highly intelligent
Uses own intelligence to be mean about people less intelligent than themselves
Can spend all day alone
Dislikes or cannot relate to children

He just has zero, and I mean zero interest in me, my mum or his grandchildren. But also doesn’t see that this might be a problem. It’s not like he dislikes us all. Just that he doesn’t seem to need other people at all. He has always been like this. I guess I notice it more now I have children. But yes perhaps I’m not going to get answers from the internet.

Sounds a bit like my dad. Has it had an impact on your relationships? I have a terrible reaction to rejection / abandonment to the extent I'm relationship avoidant

@IloveStrawberrylaces weirdly I don’t think so no. At least not with male relationships. But I do really struggle to form close bonds with females (friendship). Not sure what that may have to do with my dad. Sorry you have experienced similar. And to all those who may be married/with someone like this too.

@IloveStrawberrylaces it has definitely affected me in that I feel unseen/unheard and so come across as shy. I try and make myself as small as possible so I don’t say the ‘wrong’ thing. I’m frightened of not being good enough so I try to avoid drawing any attention to myself.

My dad is similar to this. I've no idea why he got married and had kids. I'm low contact with him now.

@donaldbump

It’s my father

My sympathy. What does your mum say about it?

Deeply depressed person.

Who also is a selfish twat.

You've just described my ex. Im 99.9% sure he is a narcissist and has Boarderline Personality Disorder

I would think he's on the spectrum

The schizoid personality disorder sounds most similar. Though not completely. And yes I think he might be on the spectrum.

I'd think why did they get married and have kids?

This but that would lead me to wonder what is wrong with the other person for putting up with it...

Mum said he didn’t used to be quite as bad as he is now. Though I always remember him as emotionally unavailable.

He actually used to be quite fun and sociable but he’s always been a drinker. He’s quite a nice person after a few. But then will go past that and becomes obnoxious.

@donaldbump

Lack of empathy or regard for how their behaviour may impact someone else Total disinterest in maintaining relationships with people No interest in own children or wife Difficulty wanting to communicate unless had alcohol to drink Irritable Highly intelligent Uses own intelligence to be mean about people less intelligent than themselves Can spend all day alone Dislikes or cannot relate to children

Not my type?

I’d say here is your semi regular reminder that unless you are a psychologist or psychiatrist you should not be labelling people with mental health conditions, particularly for those of you who have never met them.

OP, it is enough for you to know that he has these behaviours; he’s not going to change, and would likely care even less about a ‘diagnosis’. You can’t change these behaviours, only how you respond to them.

@Wiredforsound

I’d say here is your semi regular reminder that unless you are a psychologist or psychiatrist you should not be labelling people with mental health conditions, particularly for those of you who have never met them.

OP, it is enough for you to know that he has these behaviours; he’s not going to change, and would likely care even less about a ‘diagnosis’. You can’t change these behaviours, only how you respond to them.

This is so true. We want to understand why people are how they are, and labelling helps with that but ultimately it's not that helpful. Learning to accept them and their behaviours and ensure you keep yourself safe (usually NC/LC) is the only thing you can do most of the time

Well it’s interesting to hear that others have experienced similar people. I often find it very difficult to describe what my dad is like as he does appear so different to ‘normal’ whatever that is now. I guess I was wanting to know if there was a particular condition like it so I could understand it more. I am already LC more due to him and his total lack of interest! I don’t think going NC would help me really. Just trying to process how his behaviour has impacted upon my life so far. Sorry to everyone else who has experienced this. It is hurtful. The only thing that comforts me is that it isn’t personal to me only. He’s like it with everyone.

Therapy has been immensely helpful in helping me to understand what parts of my life have been directly or inadvertently affected by my father. I can't stop those emotions coming but I know where they come from and how to deal with them. A lot of the time it's acknowledge and let go.

Boring pretentious arsehole, is what I would say. I'm sure there are lots of labels and conditions that might cause him to be like this, but boring and pretentious sums it all up, really.

I would say that sounds grim to be around

Without being too judgemental this person is unhappy but also shows autistic traits...

@BabyRace

Borderline personality disorder. Possibly narcissistic personality disorder but fewer traits there.

Doesn't sound at all like BPD to me.

Does sound like depressed (or just a really miserable git), or possibly autistic.