When partners are very different, does it work?

[oreo2020]

I have an admirer who really likes me and I like him and we get along really well, with core values matching (i.e. wish for family, children, financial attitudes, hard-working, considerate, respectful etc.

However he is works in catering (entertainment industry) so he feeds his energy from socialising, networking, big events etc (no drinking no womanising all good)

I am on the other hand a homebody, I do have my circles of friends, social enough but could equally spend time on my own. i am little anxious of crowds / big events.

So far we've done lots of things like visiting places, seaside, dinners, cycling, shopping, films, card games etc. and all was good.

The concern is, how similar do we have to be for it to work? Is this a fundamental drawback? Can it work? Should I be looking for someone with more similar interests than him?

A lot of positives about him and he would make a great partner, but I am doubting if this could really work and if there is enough to keep us together? We are in early 40s.

It seems like you’ve enjoyed plenty of different things together so as long as you don’t mind him going to bigger events without you (assuming you don’t want to go) then it’ll be alright

Stop overthinking it

He could go to events on his own but you need to ask if he would be ok with that, I'm an extrovert, I love noisy busy events, meeting new people, dancing, being sociable. Luckily my partner is the same, we both value worry time and space too, but I wouldn't want to have to go to every big event, birthday, work do, wedding etc by myself. You just need to have an honest conversation about whether those differences matter to him in reality

In some ways you could be describing me and DH, with the genders reversed. I'm an actor, am very sociable and love to be out and about and doing things with large groups. DH is very introverted and finds all of that really difficult, so generally, I socialise imagine large groups on my own, and he'll either come out just with me as a couple, or see a couple of his mates for the occasional drink.

We've been together for nearly 20 years and are mostly very happy. But...I have to say I do get fed up never having a plus one for things. I joke sometimes that my friends think he's imaginary - except I don't really find it all that funny.

He comes to the events that really matter to me, though.

Thank you. To be honest, it bothers him more than me. He worries that 'once children grow up' will we have enough in common to keep us together?
I am happy to compromise (come out to important events) but not sure if a compromise is a good enough, or it has to be matching lifestyles.

He’s really overthinking it
How long have you been seeing each other? It sounds like he’s looking for an exit

You are early 40s "once children grow up" will mean about 60, you both will be different by then.

If you click, can accommodate each other's wants and needs, are happy and enjoy your differences I wouldn't overthink just get on with it and embrace the future as it unfolds.

He said that to you? How long have you been dating?

I don't think a different level of extroversion is a deal-breaker for a relationship, no.

Sounds like me and my husband.
As long as you're happy for him to enjoy his socialising and he's happy for you to not go with him then ime it works fine.

My husband needs people. He needs to get out there and socialise, he loves to meet new people.

I, OTOH, would quite happily never meet anyone new ever. 😁

Both our needs are met by him going out and me staying home and both of us being happy with that.

We've been married 23 years.

It can work but only if you are both happy with it.

If you look at people in hospo jobs there really aren't many that stay on into their 40s, 50s, 60s. It's very likely he'll change career and calm down into more quiet-paced work as he gets older.

Do you have children together?

If you're in your early 40s now and it's a very new relationship, is it likely that you'll be able to have children together? I'm guessing you'd wait at least a year before trying to get pregnant to see if you can live together and to see if the relationship works. I hope that doesn't come across in a harsh way and I'm certainly not saying it would be impossible to have children together.

As for the introvert/extrovert thing, you won't find out if it would work unless you try it.

Well I've known him for a year but dating wise is early days. I have children, he does not, so when 'the kids grow up' that includes mine or common children.

His parents got divorced and he always said that they should never been married because of how different they were, and he does have a fear of going down the same path. Having said that we have done few things together that we both like. He runs event related business and so as business will always be involved.

In my opinion he's overthinking (hence never married) but I see his as a valid point - not the extrovert/ introvert thing but having things to do together that we both enjoy.

Ah I see. His lifestyle sounds a little less child-friendly, and I was going to say would he be happy to change it if you have DC. And also I was wondering about you being in your 40's, and how much of a rush there is in terms of fertility.

If you have your own DC and neither of you are too worried about having any more I would just give it a go and see whether it works or not. There is no rush. I'm quite different in interests from my DH but we have the same values - I think that is essential and you say you have this. There's no point in cutting it off now if you are both presently happy due to imagined future problems.

However, if he really wants his own DC, I could see that might become more of a problem, given that it creates a time pressure and it might not be possible.

@disco123 we have had 'having his own child' talk and aware of my age and 'rush' that comes with it. That's a separate issue and I am wary of dragging out things too long whilst overthinking on imaginary issues. I am am easy either way (having another child or not having another child) and it's him who needs to make up his mind. True that my life is so full of family stuff that events is not something on my radar; and he might become more family-friendly once he has one.
He said he wants to be with me but worried of his parents story and it seems cannot make up his mind. I don't feel like pushing but he'd rather make up his mind sooner than later.

While DH and I are similar in many ways, when it comes to social skills we couldn't be more different. I'll talk to anyone and like going out in big crowds and meeting people. I have a big group of friends and am always on the go. DH is much more reserved, has a small friendship group and would rather focus on his hobbies than socialising.

We both learn a lot from each other - he has come out of his shell a lot since we met, and I've learnt to slow down and enjoy quiet time at home. It works for us.

It doesn't seem particularly sensible to have a child with someone you don't know if you'd be compatible with. It would be rushing in too fast.

That said, I had kids with my DH after a 10 year relationship and our mis-match socialising preferences only became a negative issue after kids, because only one of us realises we can't go out regularly with mates drinking until the small hours then get up at 6am with little ones and then go on a family outing. Or have exclusive rights to Saturday afternoons 'off' to play/ watch sport. Not to mention numerous expensive stag parties abroad.

If you could take or leave having another baby though... are you sure you should? It is such a huge commitment. What if he runs for the hills and you've another one to look after for 18+ years. Even with his support how would it impact your life, your future and that of your kids. Don't do it just to keep him happy.