Intellectual comparability- is it essential?

[Tarcietiger]

I’m being a bit nosy and wondering how vital people find having a comparable level of intelligence to their partner to be.

Do you think a relationship can work if one partner is much more intelligent than the other? If not, why not? If yes how?

Have you had experience of being with someone who is measurably more or less intelligent than you or does that rarely happen due to the laws of attraction?

Personally I am married to someone who is academically way (way) brighter than me. I am a college drop out with dyslexia who struggled at school, he has a 1st class MSc and Masters degree from a top uni and is a high level techie. I think we have equal levels of common sense. We are happily married but I do find myself zoning out when he tries to explain things like quantum physics to me, In contrast he finds small talk really hard and hates illogical questions like ‘would you rather have a tail or a hump?’ If I want to have a gossip or talk about daft things I tend to do it with other people or I’ll risk his eyes glazing over and feel like we haven’t really got into the spirit of what I’d hoped to discuss 😂. We have a shared sense of humour though and a similar sense of style / politics / moral code which has made our relationship sustainable.

Each to their own, everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses.
For me intelligence and good communications skills are very essential.
My worst nightmare would be a partner who is a dullard with absolutely nothing to say.

@MazyontheDipper
It just goes to show.
Kindness is so special.

[quote Notmoresugar]@MazyontheDipper
It just goes to show.
Kindness is so special.[/quote]

I don't think being unintelligent = dullard, necessarily.
I'm sure no mother here would describe their child in that way.
Intelligent people can be just as dull.

@MorriseysGladioli

I don't think being unintelligent = dullard, necessarily. I'm sure no mother here would describe their child in that way. Intelligent people can be just as dull.

I was just going to post the same thing.

I bet someone uses the word conversationalist at some point on this thread

I think you can have a fling with someone who is intellectually vastly different but not a proper relationship. There comes a point whe you end up looking at them and thinking "God, you are just fucking stupid" and that is always the end of it. Now I am not saying that both need exactly the same IQ, but if you can always figure things out and they can't then you end up feeling like a parent to them, having to explain things all the time, or worse always do everything. It is also nice to be able to talk to your partner about work, I am not saying they have to understand everything you do, but if they can't understand the fundamentals of it then it is really hard to talk to them.

That doesn't mean you need the same academic qualifications, I have a PhD and I am paid to research in my field, my partner's highest academic qualification was until recently GCSEs (he hated education so left at 16, but did A levels last year so he could help his niece as she was doing them), but in terms of his ability to learn, understand and absorb and process information he puts me to shame. He does not understand the minutiae of my research, but he understands the concepts, enough to have a positive input, he notices trends in the data and formulates analysis that is as good as mine and those of others who I work with.

In the past I have dated lovely men, but men who were not on the same level intellectually and sometimes it just felt like I was talking to a child and that is a horrible feeling for both people.

Some of the posts on here make me despair.

There are so many ways of being intelligent- not just academic achievement.

The thing is, so many people who are academically bright don't recognise any other ways of being intelligent. Which is quite ignorant...
🤦

I must admit to cringing when my ex told someone his beautiful plant was called a chlamydia.

I think if you date somebody with an IQ that is vastly above or below your own then you’re going to notice some quirks and irritations.

So not really about academic success more about intellectual compatibility.

The most annoying person I ever dated was a physicist who probably was gifted but he had no emotional intelligence, was overly serious and the worst thing was that he had zero imagination and refused to watch anything science fiction related because it was all too unrealistic for him…that really killed it for me! He also had some weird OCD requirements about how his sandwiches were wrapped!

I'm another who would go for smoking hot and kind, rather than intellectual.

Intelligence comes in different forms. Dh and I have great academics (not sure how - I couldnt do differential calculus today...) and qualifications, but we are self-professed thickos in politics, philosophy, current affairs, pop culture, art, tech etc. Our humour is shallow and slapstick. We do not have deep conversations. We do not read (aside from legal and work documents). I love chatting nonsense with DC.

I couldnt bear to be with someone "intellectual" and removed from everyday life. So yes, we are intellectually compatible. Been together 20 years.

Interesting I'm educated (1st Class Degree & Masters as I have a specific talent) but not especially bright or articulate, but I am used to being around academia and my worldly so can hold my own in most respects.

My current partner has no higher education but is as bright as a button and I am quite often in awe (mostly secretly) of his word use and language skills (one of my weaknesses) and quick witted mind. Plus he knows how to use excel properly which I've never bothered with

I love it, it gives me flutters and I adore him for it (not the excel but obvs)

(You can see I don't bother with spell check either )

Essential.

It’s essential but not captured by academic qualifications.

I’d rather have a tail.

Yes, it's important. But it's far more difficult to live with someone who thinks they are a genius when they're not. My ex thought he was a lot cleverer than he actually is. I expect he still does. There's only so many times you can cringe before you start going cold.

For example, a friend and I were talking about an assignment she'd just set for her class on Romeo and Juliet. He scoffed and said, "Bit of a cop out, setting an English assignment on a Leo DiCaprio film." She laughed like he was joking but I knew he meant it. To diffuse the tension when she slowly realised he meant it, I said, "I would hope it's about the Shakespeare play more than the film." He smiled all cocky and sympathetically said to my friend that I was obviously confused, because Shakespeare wrote Hamlet.

I think it’s important. For example if I say something wrong I’d be thankful for my partner to challenge me on it so I can learn and vice versa. However if you’re with someone not as intelligent then it just gets awkward. You don’t want to be continually educating someone but then on the other if you let it go, hearing them go on about something you know to be false is just irritating and either way you’ll lose respect for them as a partner.

But the OP isn't asking about intellectual compatibility, a somewhat qualitative concept perhaps.

The question is: Intellectual comparability- is it essential?

I don't think 'intellectual comparability' is easy to quantify, tbh.

Clever mind makes me swoon, and I don't mean the overconfidence and gift of gab some men try to pass off as intelligence.

A lot of men don't care for intelligent women.

I’ve just left a long marriage, and the mismatch was a factor.

Specifically, the lack of critical thinking and analysis that often go hand in hand with intelligence. He was just too susceptible to the latest theory or piece of information, would make it his own and proclaim it loudly. Until someone spelt things out or pointed out the lack of evidence or logic in it. Then he’d take on that view. Never put info together, never used his own brain to sort and arrange information or align his opinions with any principles.

Once I’d used up my quota of patience, humor and ability to listen respectfully to the dross he was spouting, that was it. Oh, and those moments when the 8yo would demonstrate more intelligence than him. They were fun. The months since I haven’t had to deal with his brain have been a unmitigated, glorious relief.

And my lovely new FWB is a revelation as to how intellectual compatibility can be very very fun and sexy . It infiltrates every communication, every laugh, every look and move. Either way.

I would never have believed it was so important, in my youth. Now it’s number one on the list.

@OutwiththeOutCrowd

I don't want to be intellectually stimulated, nor do I want to provide intellectual stimulation. It sounds like too much hard work.

Same here!

I can't think of anything much worse than spending my evenings having "healthy debates" about politics

My iq has been measured at 1000th percentile. Relationships with more-intelligent-than-average people tend to become competitive. Relationships with less intelligent people are frustrating.

But shared values in politics and social care are more important imo.

He prob likes you how you are socially and can interact with people easily, it is a hard trait and those who talk of quantum physics would bore people and he knows that.
You have different 'strength' and one of you is no "better" than the other.

Personally my DP has PhD in physics and I have a bachelor in commerce so his level of 'smart' is out there, but I can still hold a conversation on difficult topics, and add my two cents (with valid points).

For me, it's essential.

It doesn't matter whether the 'intelligence' is academically proven i.e they have a Doctorate/ Masters/Degree or not, but is does matter whether they are 'intelligent' or not.

I couldn't ever have had a relationship with anyone who couldn't hold an intelligent conversation, no matter the topic. (But I don't mean they should be an 'expert' in most topics, just able to discuss/analyse different viewpoints etc)

Neither of my husbands were educated to the same level I was when I met and married them (though the 2nd H is now educated to a higher level than I am), but they were both intelligent and articulate.

I think it depends on how you bond as a couple. My DH and I are both talkers, we love a good intellectual debate. That would be frustrating with someone of different intelligence level. But also frustrating with someone of the same intelligence level who didn't enjoy that type of discussion.

I don't fully get this because it's not how I am but I can see that some of my friends bond more through doing things together - like I have one friend who is with a guy who cannot follow our conversations because he's just not very quick witted but they seem to bond through exercise and sport together and also through shared love of food.