What’s your take on my ex and his lack of contact with child?

[Fightingback16]

What’s your take on this. I have spoken to a close friend and she says that it’s a man thing and he probably doesn’t know what to write etc…

My ex was ordered no contact in court with dc except for a letter once a month.
He has probably out of 10 months sent 4 cards with a couple of lines each. It appears that for some reason he talks about the one picture I have used on my social media profile in the card. Eg and this isn’t a true example. I put a picture of me and her with a parrot last month and he will say I have met a parrot last week he was nice.

I am not sure as to why when he has the opportunity to write once a month he doesn’t. He took me to court and it’s expensive. He was ordered to follow the order to the word and show he is really serious about the relationship with his child and show consistency for it to advance.

Now I think he just isn’t that interested. My friend said he probably misses them but he’s a man and they not good with things like this. Now he was the master manipulator and never had a problem showing his emotions.

I don't think your friend is right; and I think your ex is using the letters to let you know he's watching your posts on social media.

He's a cunt who doesn't deserve his kids. Fought you through court then doesn't even do the bare minimum = likely contact will not be increased.

My ex sees my kids once a year, and spent their last visit moaning about me, criticising and goading from their account. They would be emotionally far better off if he just fucked off completely.

He's a man and not good at things like that? Pretty sure Shakespeare, Wilfred Owen and any other of the many, many other male authors are also men so I don't think that's an excuse.

Some people can't be bothered, I set up Dds laptop during covid so that she could Skype her dad whenever she wanted to, they normally see each other regularly but we had several periods of self isolating on both sides. He never initiated it, if I was a way from Dd I'd have chatted or face timed her everyday.

It could be all sorts of reasons without knowing the nuances of his behaviour and character.

My suggestions would be:

Like your friend says, he doesn't know what to write. Perhaps he can't order his thoughts to put them on paper. Perhaps he is better at talking than writing his emotions. Perhaps he doesn't know your child well enough to strike up written communication with him/her.

Is he pissed off about the court order and passively aggressively refusing to engage with it. It can be a huge blow to an enormous ego not to get their own way in court, particularly if they feel they can't lose. Is there a subtext going on with references to you? ie letting you know he is watching you.

Narcissistic people often use court to get back at their partners. They aren't really interested in their children but want to punish their spouses financially and emotionally by dragging them through court.

On the upside though, if he fails to step up this way he may fade away altogether from both your lives. 'Master manipulators' don't generally make good fathers. The less contact, the less ongoing psychological harm they can do.

I immediately thought the same as previous poster, that he is letting you know he is watching you.

I just find it all a bit odd really. I would be writing all the time making sure I followed the rules. Not just that the letters are meant to be for our child, so she gets consistency and still knows her dad is there.

Last time I let my barrister go as I can’t afford it. It was said in the last hearing and low and behold he wrote to the judge saying he is now not using one for the same reasons. He appears to be mirroring me.
He also found out via social media I was dating even tho my account is private. He brought it up in court but they weren’t interested.

He probably is watching me but it doesn’t bother me.

I wouldn't spend too much time trying to work out the motives of someone with disordered thinking. They don't follow empathy and logic. Although I can understand the continuing wtf moments when you view them from a distance.

Well done for getting away from him and protecting your child.

Yeah @Dacquoise you are right in that it doesn’t make sense really, I can’t think like him (and wouldn’t want too). He obviously has his reasons for doing what he is doing.

I can’t really come to a conclusion of whether he genuinely loves his child or not, but he probably doesn’t think of it the same way as I do.

What was the reasoning behind the court ordering no contact? I can't imagine it is something that would be done lightly - there must be a pretty awful back story for him to not even have been awarded supervised contact?

Cafcass ordered it @cheeseismydownfall due to many things really, drugs, safeguarding issues, emotional abuse, time since last seen. Ordered a DAPP course and they will re evaluate depending on how it goes. They said they wouldn’t move to supervised in case the course wasn’t completed and they felt it was safe to do so. What completing a course they think will achieve I don’t know.

Mine did the nice guy family man routine to the outside world, used our DD until he got a new partner , then she became surplus to requirements. Tbh I don't believe he is capable of loving anyone else. He is the centre of his own universe.

From what you have updated your exH sounds like a self absorbed individual too.

How old is DC? Will she understand the contents of the letter and why her dad is writing? If he’s not been given any contact (for the foreseeable? Forever?) then I think you’re probably right and it’s likely as simple as he isn’t very interested and doesn’t see much point in writing to her, particularly if she isn’t capable of or expected to write to him. If he wasn’t a good or interested dad when you were together and he could have an actual relationship with her, it’s unlikely that will change now.

Your friend is a massive enabling idiot. Sheesh.

It depends how old the child is really? Are they able to write back? If not, then I can imagine it's the hardest thing in the world to write letters knowing you'll never get a reply. Imagine a phone conversation with someone who just listened and never spoke.

But he must be truly the most awful father to have been given zero contact in person, or by video or voice call. I can't even imagine what circumstances would justify that. Is he in prison?

He probably took it to court to try and be in control, look good to his family & friends etc it was probably never about having a relationship with the DC.

She is of primary age and can not reply. No @altmember he isn’t in prison.

@RandomMess

He probably took it to court to try and be in control, look good to his family & friends etc it was probably never about having a relationship with the DC.

I'd say this

If he doesn't get contact on his terms, he doesn't want it at all.

This is the thing I guess nobody has a clue of his intentions, probably not even himself. I wish I could just no then so that I have the best info to keep dd safest as possible. Does he love her does he have an agenda????? Who knows, it’s hard not knowing.

@Fightingback16

She is of primary age and can not reply. No *@altmember* he isn’t in prison.

Why has the court refused your child having a relationship with their father in person? I'm struggling to understand how they came to that decision, unless your ex said he didn't want contact in person with his child? Even if social services declared the child at risk in his care, they'd usually still back supervised contact.

As a parent I'd be totally broken if my kids were refused contact with me. I'm not sure I'd be able to bring myself to write one way letters to a child who can't even reply. And I'd have no idea what to write about because I've no idea what they've been up to.

@altmember I guess thats because you aren’t an abuser, that’s exactly how I would feel totally broken but then I am not abusive either. Why they came up with there decision I guess reflects the extent of the seriousness of the situation.

[quote Fightingback16]@altmember I guess thats because you aren’t an abuser, that’s exactly how I would feel totally broken but then I am not abusive either. Why they came up with there decision I guess reflects the extent of the seriousness of the situation.[/quote]
Yes, in that situation, it's really bad that they're making a victim of child abuse endure regular letters from their abuser father.

OP - I think you need to accept that he doesn't really want a relationship with your dd. Taking you to court etc was all about controlling you and/or punishing you and not your DD at all. He has no idea how to interact with her or what to say and isn't really interested.

On plus side, the court will take a dim view of him not even being able to do the letters so his chance of successfully winning any future contact seems slight.

A friend had a similar situation with ex always threatening her with court etc. Court just laughed at him at one point as he hadn't even managed to turn up too his EOW contact time.

Goodness me, does your friend have ANY understanding of abuse at all!? I'd take a good long step back from them for a start.

he was the master manipulator

I would assume his only interest in his child is using her as a means to try to control or otherwise abuse YOU. PPs make an excellent point that he seems mainly to be using the letters to tell you he's watching you. This man is dangerous, OP, I don't mean to frighten you but it is VERY unusual for a parent not even to be granted supervised contact fmsi the courts obviously also think he is dangerous. Lock down all your social media now (or just get rid of it, even better).

Also - he brought up the fact that you're dating in court!? Why? What on earth did he think they would say?? (I assume, "Oh yes, Jack, given that you can't have her any more you're quite right that no one else can either." Or the good old, "We quite agree with you, Jack, that any attempt to build a life of her own means she's a terrible mother." )

If he was serious about forging a relationship with his child he would be doing everything he was allowed to do and doing his utmost to demonstrate his consistency. Letterbox contact isn't a peculiar thing in itself, it's quite common in adoptions for example. He could use each letter to tell her what he'd been up to that month and mention things they'd done in the past together that were similar so that she knows he remembers her, for example (even completely uninteresting stuff like, "I had sausages for dinner today. We went to the fair last summer and ate hot dogs from the BBQ cart. I spilled mustard all down myself!"). Though thinking about it I don't suppose he did much with her before? Or he could talk about the weather and ask what she'd been up to - "It's been so wet recently! Have you been puddle jumping? I got all wet going for a run but it was still fun."

Is anyone official screening these letters, OP? I'd be keeping a record of them, using your example:

August 2021: Jack sent a letter that consisted entirely of telling Sarah that he'd seen a parrot. My current profile picture is Sarah and me with a parrot.

July 2021: Jack sent a letter that consisted entirely of telling Sarah that he'd been to Chessigton. My current profile picture is Sarah and me at Chessington.

And so on. Build evidence that he is stalking you (because he is). Contact Paladin for advice.