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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU To 'reply' to this by going NC (for a bit anyway?) ?

21 replies

52andblue · 01/09/2021 14:07

I know this isn't AIBU but I couldn't think how else to phrase it?

I have an old school friend. We often chat about Life the Universe etc

I got an email this morning. It's a quote from RM Rilke:

"But this is what ... people are so often and disastrously wrong in doing: they (who by their very nature are impatient) fling themselves at each other when love takes hold of them, they scatter themselves, just as they are, in all their messiness, disorder, bewilderment ...And what can happen then? What can life do with this heap of half broken things that they would like to call their happiness, and their futures? And so each of them loses himself to the other for the sake of the other person, and loses the other. And loses the vast possibilities ... in exchange for an unfruitful confusion, out of which nothing more can come, nothing but a bit of disgust, disappointment and poverty.”

It is headed: 'Interesting Quote'.
It comes just after I've been chatting about a protracted dental saga I've had. Friend was commiserating re simliar issue he'd had last year.

It reads as 'back off' to me, but maybe it really is just a quote that has caught their eye ? We do sometimes send quotes / snippets of books to each other for opinions so not unprecedented but I thought it odd as the directly previous email had said:

"Why does any one person love another, why does anyone want to be friends? It's not quantifiable. I don't make friends easily and you're clever, beautiful, interesting, have similar tastes to me and don't do smalltalk. That's enough for me".

I'd thought that possibly flirtatious so was a bit wary and didn't reply.
Then I get the Rilke quote today, having had a short factual convo re Dentist saga in between. I'm confused (but tired and on opiates so maybe why?)

OP posts:
R0tational · 01/09/2021 14:11

This is ridiculous. Stop reading into everything.

OrangeTortoise · 01/09/2021 14:12

The previous message from him is definitely (not just possibly!) flirtatious. But then you didn't reply to it, so he may be protecting himself. In other words he thinks you're not interested (are you? You don't make this clear in your OP) so he's sending it as a reason why you might both be better off as friends.

That's how I would read it.

jozipozi31 · 01/09/2021 14:23

Obviously the one saying you're beautiful etc and that'll do fir him was his clearer declaration of love.

You avoided answering.

You instead steered it into the safe dental conversation, which is also fairly unsexy.

He will no doubt have been waiting/hoping for a response to his advance. Instead he got root canals, pain and expense.

I think his quote very telling. And possibly a rather clever and funny reference to the tooth chat. As in:

You have not responded.
He's now checking the level of damage - he was impatient, he just threw himself at you, he (thinks presumably he must have) put you off with his declaration of love, and so it will all just collapse into a bit of (self? Dental?) disgust, disappointment, and poverty (of the soul/due to the cost of dental implants). 💁‍♀️☺️

jozipozi31 · 01/09/2021 14:24

That'll do FOR him

jozipozi31 · 01/09/2021 14:25

And why on earth would you go NC? Unless you don't want him.

Do you love him too? Do you want him?

PepsiHoover · 01/09/2021 14:29

Why are you talking about the dentist so much?

He wants to be more than friends. But it does all sound a bit OTT (read wanky) for me.

52andblue · 01/09/2021 14:30

@jozipozi31

And why on earth would you go NC? Unless you don't want him.

Do you love him too? Do you want him?

He is one of my best friends. I'm not in a position to 'want' him. He knows that - I've not been ambiguous about it. But I'd much rather not lose him as a friend. Yes it is quite clever when you look at it your way I agree :)
OP posts:
52andblue · 01/09/2021 14:31

Dentist just in last few days.
I've had horrible dental prob. Told him. He had sim last year. Chatted.
Only relevant really as came in between 2 quite intense (to my mind) short emails from him.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 01/09/2021 14:34

Is one or both of you married - unhappily or otherwise? That is what the Rilke quote speaks of to me. And yes the previous email sounds like a less than subtle declaration of feelings for you.

merryhouse · 01/09/2021 14:36

Just reply "oh yeah, the nineteenth-century intellectuals were a miserable lot Grin"

52andblue · 01/09/2021 15:03

@merrryhouse - I like that, thanks!
suitably lighthearted yet means I'm not 'ignoring' him :)

OP posts:
me4real · 01/09/2021 15:18

I think I would just go 'eh? I'm not sure what this is referring to. Is this somehow related to dentists?' But then I don't have much patience for new age waffle, not impressed by it.

I suppose it could be his way of saying he's into you but knows it's not a good thing that he is.

NotaCoolMum · 01/09/2021 17:13

Huh? 😳🥴

52andblue · 01/09/2021 21:40

Well, I went with @merryhouse reply.
Got a reply about his roof and making an apple pie.
So, that's fine then.
Back to normal (slightly weird)

OP posts:
reader12 · 02/09/2021 00:04

He sounds like hard work!

Bobmonkfish · 02/09/2021 00:14

He seems to want to confuse you with words, and he has succeeded. I had a boyfriend like this once and it was exhausting.

LargeBouquet · 02/09/2021 00:17

Every emo kid quotes Rilke.

52andblue · 02/09/2021 07:34

'emo kid' (I had to Google)
Grin we are both in our mid 50's Grin
but yes, he had the tortured / misunderstood thing going on at school so I wonder if a bit of it is still lurking? I think existential chats will be tiring so I'll stick to the everyday life chit chat, & let him do the running as he is also one of those 'I'm so TERRIBLY busy' types.
I do like him, but I'm poor with boundaries, so I'm trying to improve!

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 02/09/2021 07:43

He sounds like a bit of a wanker to me. Grin. I mean, who talks like that?

LargeBouquet · 02/09/2021 07:45

@52andblue

'emo kid' (I had to Google) Grin we are both in our mid 50's Grin but yes, he had the tortured / misunderstood thing going on at school so I wonder if a bit of it is still lurking? I think existential chats will be tiring so I'll stick to the everyday life chit chat, & let him do the running as he is also one of those 'I'm so TERRIBLY busy' types. I do like him, but I'm poor with boundaries, so I'm trying to improve!
He’s a middle-aged emo kid. Tell him that if he persists. Grin
PearlyRising · 02/09/2021 07:53

Nobody would give you all of that just to covertly communicate "back off"..

It's supposed to be helpful wisdom.

Id interpret that as them caring.

But i get that Wisdom doesnt make the physical pain go away, or pay the dentist.

Id just text back "thanks x"

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