Relationships - how easy do you find them?

[Gonnagetgoing]

I feel like I’ve never got the memo on how relationships work. Been engaged twice, lived with people etc. Been scared of having kids in case I’m left a single mother like my mum was. Also worried that I was infertile due to late diagnosis chlamydia by doctor by never did research into it. Was always 50:50 on kids anyway.

My mother and her mother were always on at me to be independent and not rely on a man for anything. So I didn’t put up with any bad behaviour and ran at the first signs of eg issues.

I just wonder is it me? Am I no good at relationships or have I had very bad luck in meeting someone nice?

If it matters, stupidly in the past I’ve tended to go for good looks and don’t like boring men! One man (friend of friend) I was introduced to in a bar by a friend I couldn’t talk to him but he was very boring - but so persistent, saw him out a lot but too dull!

You’ve felt committed enough in several previous relationships to have been engaged twice and to have cohabited several times. Just because a relationship doesn’t last forever or you don’t meet your “soulmate” at 22 and live happily ever after doesn’t mean you’re bad at relationships or don’t know how they work. It just means that, like many other people, you’ve been in relationships where one or the other of you has realised it isn’t right or you no longer want the same things. Which seems like a perfectly healthy place to be with regards to relationships. Don’t get hung up on this odd idea that you’ve failed at a relationship because it’s ended or that everyone who stays with a partner for decades must have succeeded.

Sounds likely you've just got good boundaries to me.

For the record, I’ve found most of my relationships easy and enjoyable; until they weren’t. And then, when they ended, I acknowledged that it was for the best and wasn’t a failure on my part or my fault (and wasn’t my partner’s fault, either, but just how it goes sometimes.)

@ComtesseDeSpair

You’ve felt committed enough in several previous relationships to have been engaged twice and to have cohabited several times. Just because a relationship doesn’t last forever or you don’t meet your “soulmate” at 22 and live happily ever after doesn’t mean you’re bad at relationships or don’t know how they work. It just means that, like many other people, you’ve been in relationships where one or the other of you has realised it isn’t right or you no longer want the same things. Which seems like a perfectly healthy place to be with regards to relationships. Don’t get hung up on this odd idea that you’ve failed at a relationship because it’s ended or that everyone who stays with a partner for decades must have succeeded.

These are wise words. There are too many people who stick with someone despite it being obvious that it is an unhealthy relationship. Your mum and grandmother are right- be happy and have firm boundaries.

@ComtesseDeSpair

You’ve felt committed enough in several previous relationships to have been engaged twice and to have cohabited several times. Just because a relationship doesn’t last forever or you don’t meet your “soulmate” at 22 and live happily ever after doesn’t mean you’re bad at relationships or don’t know how they work. It just means that, like many other people, you’ve been in relationships where one or the other of you has realised it isn’t right or you no longer want the same things. Which seems like a perfectly healthy place to be with regards to relationships. Don’t get hung up on this odd idea that you’ve failed at a relationship because it’s ended or that everyone who stays with a partner for decades must have succeeded.

Thanks!

I just feel that from my mid 30's onwards until now (almost 50!) that I did ok, or seemingly ok.

Since my late 30s I seem to have met a smorgasbord of unsuitable men and though I haven't given up as such, I don't put much effort in!

I struggled with relationships and as such had a marriage that i settled for. However after 15 years i felt it was killing me and left ( am 47). In the 3 years post, i have dated and thought i loved one but we ultimately weren't on same page.
My current boyfriend (50) and i met by chance, even though it was OLD ( i was giving a friend a coaching session). I cannot tell you how incredible the journey has been. It has made me realise really how average the other relationships through my adult life have been.

Even if it doesn't work out, it has permanently changed my view on myself and relationships and my capability to love and accept love.

@sofato5miles

I struggled with relationships and as such had a marriage that i settled for. However after 15 years i felt it was killing me and left ( am 47). In the 3 years post, i have dated and thought i loved one but we ultimately weren't on same page. My current boyfriend (50) and i met by chance, even though it was OLD ( i was giving a friend a coaching session). I cannot tell you how incredible the journey has been. It has made me realise really how average the other relationships through my adult life have been.

Even if it doesn't work out, it has permanently changed my view on myself and relationships and my capability to love and accept love.

That's so nice to hear!

My first fiance I was with for 2 years and we got engaged after 1 year (yes short!). I met him on leave from the Canadian Army in London but he was suffering from the yet uncommon PTSD (Yugoslav war). I was all prepared to go to Canada to live with him (at 21) but realised he also had a possible drink problem and toxic mother. I think I would be divorced with 2 kids now and back in UK. I'm still in touch with him and he is still receiving treatment for PTSD but he's apparently had affairs and been married once.

My second fiance I met at 34 and was with for 2 years, we got engaged towards the end for about 3 months. He was nice, Irish, but hated his boss and we actually started off dating and then I ditched him after a few months as his constant carping and complaining about his boss but not leaving his boss was disturbing. We then dated after when he had stopped moaning about his boss but he had a weed/drink problem (which seemed to get better) and he disclosed that despite going to boarding school, having a good job as an accountant that he hated and despised his mother (who seemed very nice when I met her). Things were great whilst he was off the drink/weed but he seemed to drink more when he got depressed.

Did also live with a couple of other men too not for huge periods, one for almost 4 years but not the right relationship for either of us.

I guess I could've settled with a few 'dull' men I met.

Your best option is to actively open the pool of potentials. Dating from.scratch is great as you are focussed and don't just rely on timely random sexual attraction. Ypu have a relative idea of what you want.

That being said, my boyfiend is not someone i would have looked at in a bar as i was playing with fun young things . However, his conversation was great and when we met we already new we fancied each other's personalities, had v similar life stories etc. In a bar i would have rolled my eyes. I was shallow as i had low expectations of a proper equal so compartmentalised my real needs.

Knew^ 😄🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes! Fewer potentials at my age (nearly 50) though I apparently look in my 30's so that's a plus I suppose?!

I am 47 and was dating men in their mid 30s.

I ignored men my age as they seemed convinced that i must be broken by my divorce and desperate. 🤣

But saying that i went on 17 OLD dates in 2.5 years. I became very good at having a thick skin and being reasonably ruthless if i didn't feel a connection.

Had 3 short term relarionships put if it. One from OLD, that covid travel restrictions broke, and the other 2 younger guys that i met through friends at parties.

Thought i was destined for fun and nothing deep forever and was genuinely happy with that. Until i met Him 😉