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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If I were single again I'd look for everything my current partner is not, yet I don't want to leave my relationship - Why?

5 replies

idekanymore · 01/09/2021 11:28

He is my first partner and I feel very attached to him. We've been together for close to 5 years. Our relationship is pretty rocky at times because we are so different and in many ways not compatible. Yet I can't imagine not spending my life with him, seeing him (happy) every day makes me genuinely happy and often is enough to discard ad forget about the bad stuff.

But I was thinking about it the other day, that if I were single now, I'd know pretty well what I would and wouldn't want in another partner. And many (if not all) things I don't want and objectively make me miserable is what my current partner is, what I long for in a relationship we don't have. I've tried to bring it up on multiple occasions but we just can't seem to work it out. It's like really wanting to share a peanut butter sandwich but one person turns out to be allergic to peanut butter and also decide they dislikes bread altogether. We try to compromise but we're on such opposite sides that we simply cannot seem to come to a place where we're both happy and get what we want/need.

It's a harsh realization that makes me feel incredibly guilty, but I think maybe subconsciously I'm just dying of loneliness, despite my seemingly never ending love for him and his love for me.

I don't know why I love him so deeply; it could be hormonal, it could be psychological - I do have codependant tendencies and general fear of abandonment, low self esteem etc. But then I am not perfect either and he accepts me fully, he is content. Why can't I be content? Should I not accept him too and not expect him to be x,y & z for me? Isn't that what being with someone is, accepting them for who they are?

Is this a sign something is seriously wrong, with me, with us? Sad

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 01/09/2021 17:43

Your first sentence in your post is the answer to your question x

FetchezLaVache · 01/09/2021 17:49

What sort of things do you mean? Do you lack things in common, differ in terms of fundamental values and things like whether you want children? Are you saying that he is only good company when he is happy and that you are miserable a lot of the time in the relationship?

billy1966 · 01/09/2021 18:36

Your last paragraph tells me are stuck.
You will deeply regret your lack of bravery in the future.

He is your first partner.
Being with a few people often helps establish whatvis important and what are deal breakers.

You like and care for your partner but he is not right for you.

You will regret selling yourself so short by staying with someone who is not the right fit for you.

Flowers
idekanymore · 07/09/2021 13:05

Thanks for all the answers x

OP posts:
Qwerty1967 · 07/09/2021 14:23

agree with Billy 1966.
life is too short, get out and start to enjoy life with someone more compatible.

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