Managing elderly mother's attempts to "help" me

[helpmewithmymotherplease]

NC as this makes me pretty identifiable in RL. I have had some really supportive advice on this board about another issue so was hoping you kind people might be able to help me with this one too.

A couple of years ago my father died and my mother has since moved to live near to me and my family. We were happy for her to do this as she had no friends/family where she lived and we are more than prepared to take her to doctor’s appointments, help her out with day-to-day things. She lives in a really nice gated community for older people, where everyone lives their own lives but with onsite help if needed and lots of activities/trips organised if people want to join in. There is a bus literally from her gate to ours, so it is the ideal set-up and she has settled in well and done a great job of learning her way around, getting her online shopping sorted etc.

However, we knew it wouldn’t be straightforward and it has proved to be the case. My mother is rather selfish and narcissistic by nature e.g. she has made no effort at all over the years to get to know her grandchildren. Likewise, she had never been to our house (we have lived here for 10+ years) before she decided she wanted to move here.

But she has made very little effort to make friends or join in with things at her new home and only wants to spend time with us, which is becoming a bit of a problem. She doesn’t want to come at the weekends because the children are around and “she doesn’t want to get in the way.” Basically, she is not interested in the children only in talking to me, but if she comes during the week it is really inconvenient as I WFH and she expects me to stop for lunch, coffee etc. but I am on calls etc. all day.

There are lots of other things that drive me mad – in particular, she likes to say that she moved here to make things easier for me. So when she comes over, she asks me what she can do to help. She won’t just sit and read or watch tv like she would if she were at home. I have to find/invent things for her to do, which feels strange and intrusive. So last week I said there was nothing to do and she got on the bus and went home again! More upsetting is that she has also told me that she is just waiting to die as she takes no pleasure in her life any more.

I guess what I am asking is how should I deal with this? My OH says I either have to ask her not to say/do these things or just let it wash over me. Instead of which I do neither. After all these years, we just don’t have the kind of relationship where I feel comfortable speaking my mind but neither am I able to just ignore her behaviour. So I end up getting really resentful, which is ridiculous and also sets a bad example to the children.

Is there a third way I haven’t thought of, or should I just tell her that she is welcome to come over but has to fit in around us rather than keeping up this unnecessary charade of making my life easier when she is doing the exact opposite?! Any advice about what I could say/do to handle this situation better would be gratefully received. Thank you. x

What state are your boundaries in re your mother; it seems that they are still far too low and is basically disregarding you entirely. She has probably also encouraged you not to have any boundaries when it comes to her as well. If she turns up uninvited you do not have to let her in; remain unavailable to her. She only wants to turn up at yours so you can worship her very presence; she is not interested in you, your life now or your children.

Its not your fault she had no friends/family where she was living either. People like your mother tend not to have friends for good reason. I would think your late father completely acted as she wished and wants you to continue in that role.

Re your comment:-
"More upsetting is that she has also told me that she is just waiting to die as she takes no pleasure in her life any more".

Ignore such emotional manipulation from her, its deliberate in intent and designed to upset you along with pushing your guilt and obligation buttons. After all she was the one who installed those. I would also think she says nothing like that to anyone else, let alone in her gated community environment.

Ugh. Yes I can relate to this kind of crap too. I have needed to really hold onto my own reality otherwise I get swept up in their fantasy world of how things 'should' look. My parents also love to tell other people, and themselves, how much they 'help' us. However, in the real world that looks like: coming round our house and judging it, constantly telling me what to do with situations in my life (which to be fair due to crap boundaries I have told them about), demanding that I update them on everything going on with me so they can worry (as apparently in their world that is love) and talking endlessly about how soon they will die and expecting me to react with sadness and grief. It is tiring and shit and I have allowed it. Just like you. I've needed therapy to begin to unpick all this, maybe you can do it on your own but I couldn't. I also realise how I have attracted other women in my life who allow this with their parent's too, so in a way we all normalise it for each other. It's hard trying to set boundaries of acceptable behaviour, but it's perfectly ok to tell your Mum when she can and can't come over, it's ok if she gets in a mood if you say no and it's ok for you not to ease her anxiety. I keep repeating that therapy might help my parents when they bring up their most manipulative statements but it falls on deaf ears. However I am no longer prepared to respond with the emotion they are looking for. I am done.

More upsetting is that she has also told me that she is just waiting to die as she takes no pleasure in her life any more".
@helpmewithmymotherplease
If my dm said this I would reply aren't we all.

My dm did threaten to commit suicide once after a row with my dsis.
I told her that if she thought that would solve her problems go ahead.
However I know my dm and she was just emotionally blackmailing us.

To sum up.
Call her bluff.
Set your boundaries.

“I’m working Monday-Friday 9-5pm and on calls for most of it so I’m not available. Come over on Sunday afternoon and we’ll cook lunch. Of course you won’t be in the way. The grandkids would love to see you.”

Did your Mum nurture you when you were young OP or was she always this selfish? I wonder if this is why you so pissed off that she is calling this 'help', does it all feel very familiar?

I understand. I have an elderly Aunt that lives with me now. She resents the demands that anyone else has on me , like my adult DCs , friends . Would love if it was just us two. And yet , I dont actually have much to say or in common with her.
She too , likes to say that she helps me financially by giving me some of her pension. Ha , I could make more in a PT job and that is not 24/7. And I also get the waiting to die stuff.I think I am supposed to say how devastated I would be . But she is well over 90 ! And not my mother who was very kind and loving to me. I often say that Too bad your life is changed , please try to accept it. And it is not my fault most of your contemporaries are dead !
If your mother is not the type of woman to make friends, she isn't going to start now . The only thing is to tell her that work is demanding , so she can only come on XYZ day. Save the ironing for her ! She can watch TV.

Not very helpful I know. But just wanted you to know that are many of us now negotiating this stage of our parents's lives . It is not easy and you are doing well not to show your frustration to her.

I'm pension age, and I don't attract or keep friends, but I only visit my adult kids when specifically invited, or we meet up for shopping, lunch, that kind of thing.

The fact I currently have no friends is not my kids burden to bear.

It seems your mother wants to coat tail your life, rather than makng a new life for herself.

Can you not plan activities together? So instead of 'there's nothing to do' it's "I don't need help with housework, but why don't we do x together?"

She could be using a defense mechanism where we pretend to ourselves that that our actions are related to someone else's need rather than admit our own emotional needs.
Your mother is lonely, yet she will insist that it is you that needs help and 'caring' rather than admit to herself that she is lonely.
I suspect she is the type that is not emotionally close. She's literally afraid of 'love' because it brings strong emotions and she's afraid of those.

Keep encouraging her to join activities. Despite her confidence and seemingly iron exterior, inside she doesn't trust easily at all. Another defence will be to disparage or reject those new people or activities, this is just masking fear. So rather than dismiss those remarks when she says oh the bridge club is full of oldies - just say 'well it takes a while to get to know people and trust them but if you think about it everyone is probably just as nice and friendly as you are'.

She may have relied on the security of your Dad being in the background much more than everyone thought and any social anxiety that may have always been there has now come to the fore.
For yourself I'd suggest that you find a way to have fixed days and times during the week when she comes over. Trying to fob her off because you've no jobs for her won't work, she'll just see it as rejection of her attempts to help.
Depending on her age this could be going on a while because it will take her a while to trust new people. Is she allowed have a pet because having a cat or dog would help a lot if she cannot make friends, as she'd have something to look after that doesn't risk rejection.

She's not going to change.
You have to decide what you want from this relationship.
How often does she want to visit? Once a week? More?
Look at it another way. Her helping is the way she is able to show her love for you. She's not connected to your children which is a shame, but again, you can't change that and she's not willing to try by coming to your house when they're home.
My Mum used to like to be busy and would turn up and do my ironing. I miss that now.
Could you set one day when she comes - get her to dust a room or something, have lunch and send her home afterwards.
Ignore the martyring comments.