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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not good enough

16 replies

Whoknows11 · 01/09/2021 08:37

I have this reoccurring feeling of not being good enough for the guy I'm dating. If ever we have issues it's my problem/fault. I have trust issues which stem from previous experience. I feel that I'm ruining our relationship but can't seem to stop it.
Anyone been in a similar position?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 01/09/2021 08:53

If ever we have issues it's my problem/fault

Is it objectively your fault or is he/are you both just blaming you?

Whoknows11 · 01/09/2021 08:57

@greycarpet objectively it's my fault and he doesn't disagree

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 01/09/2021 08:59

OK. Can you pinpoint what you are doing that is causing the issues then? There might be some strategies you can use to reduce it Flowers

GreyCarpet · 01/09/2021 09:00

Especially if its stuff you are doing in every relationship.

Whoknows11 · 01/09/2021 09:02

@greycarpet it's my insecurities and the doubts I have that then make me question things and in doing so cause problems. He doesn't think I trust him, I think I do but obviously don't show it.

If I can't figure it out then I see every relationship going the same way. I've had counselling but clearly need more. Just disappointed in myself

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 01/09/2021 09:05

Are you worried he'll cheat on you? Get fed up and leave you? Find someone better?

GreyCarpet · 01/09/2021 09:06

Do you worry that he is where he says he is?

Just trying to work out what the specifics are so I can offer suggestions Smile

Whoknows11 · 01/09/2021 09:06

@greycarpet yes all of those. And if I push him away like I'm doing then it'll happen soon enough. It's like I'm just expecting it but the question is when!

OP posts:
Whoknows11 · 01/09/2021 09:07

No not worried about where he says he is

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 01/09/2021 09:30

OK. You already know that if you keep pushing him away then eventually he will be pushed. So what you need to do is find things you can say to yourself at these times to try and manage that urge.

Simply, you can just keep your mouth shut and say nothing. That's the easiest place to start. Just don't say it. Or go into a different room/turn off your phone and say it to yourself. I've used the notes on my phone to type out the texts I wanted to send and, when I've looked back at them later, have seen how bonkers they really sound. That helped!!

Things you can tell yourself...

He is with me because he wants to be. No one is forcing him to be with me. He can leave at any time.

Because all of that is true.

Worrying about him cheating won't stop it from happening. If he does, that's on him and says more about him than it does about me

I was absolutely fine before him and I'll be fine after him

My light bulb moment came when I dated someone who was very clingy, anxious and worried about these things. It did eventually push me away. It was hurtful that he didn't trust me and exhausting because there's only so many times you can listen to the same things and offer the same reassurances. It's what finished us in the end because he couldn't live with his feelings of anxiety and I couldn't live with the impact that had on me - it made me anxious too.

Whoknows11 · 01/09/2021 10:12

@greycarpet you're very wise, thank you!

I'm thinking of ending it as it's not fair on him. I reckon I need to sort myself out before I'm in a relationship again.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 01/09/2021 10:24

You could speak to him about it before ending it.

Tell him how you feel.

Tell him you don't want to push him away but you know you are and you know this is you and not him (if he's really not giving you any cause to actually be concerned!)

Tell him you need him to be honest and also to give to give you a reality check when you're panicking.

He might not be the man you spend the rest of you life with but it could be good to practise some of these techniques and see how you get on?

If he doesn't want that then fair enough but he's stuck around this far hasn't he through all the crap of it? Maybe he'd want to stay through the next stage too?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/09/2021 10:42

What type of counselling did you have OP? I'm wondering if CBT would help you manage and control your anxious thoughts. I believe you can self refer online in most areas.

Whoknows11 · 01/09/2021 11:25

@greycarpet he knows how I feel as we've been here before. I'm just now at a point I know I'm not being fair and he deserves better. However I can't help the way I react sometimes.

He's understanding but he doesn't stand for it and tells me so. This reaction is understandable but I feel it doesn't help me. We're both very stubborn. I end up crying as feel hurt and he gets cross!

This then makes me think if were actually right for each other.

CBT I've never had but should look into, thank you

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 01/09/2021 12:35

However I can't help the way I react sometimes.

This is the bit you need to work on. Because you can.

You can't help the feelings that underpin your reaction yet but you can work on this.

So you need to listen and respond to your feelings not react to them. Listen to them. What are your feelings and your reactions saying to you? How do you need to respond to yourself? What do you need to hear?

Are you angry? Scared? Anxious? What?

Whoknows11 · 01/09/2021 16:18

@greycarpet thank you. I'll give it a go! I've booked some counselling for tomorrow through my work and hoping I can sort myself out to be a better girlfriend.

I had a lovely chat with my boyfriend and he's very supportive. I just don't want to loose him.

OP posts:
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