Limerence - I’m exhausted and need it to stop

[CoastalMum101]

I’ve been with a man for about 18 months now, we got together about 4 months after DH and I separated after a long, lonely marriage.

New man lives about a 2 hour drive away so I only see him 1-2 days a week. I’m completely obsessed with him. I think about him all the time. I often can’t sleep because I’m counting down the time until I see him, day dreaming about things we’ll do in the future etc. I’m exhausted and feel like I’m permanently on edge. I’m constantly either waiting for him to message me/ reply to a message/ convincing myself he’s going to leave me/ convincing myself he’s cheating on me and feeling like absolute shit because I feel that he’s so out of my league.

I’ve never been like this before. I don’t tell him any of these things, as far as he’s concerned I’m completely normal. I never ask him to message me more. I don’t hassle him if he hasn’t replied or got in touch when I’m expecting him to or anything like that. He’s even told me that he loves me and I didn’t say it back because I’m not actually convinced I do.

I know that I’m just distracting myself from all the shit that is actually going on in my life by obsessing over him. I am completely aware of his flaws, I don’t think he’s perfect or anything like that, I just cannot stop thinking about him.

I think it would probably be best in the long term for me to have a break from him or for us to split up completely. This obsession is just driving me insane. I’m so tired and on edge all of the time. But I do love spending time with him. When I go to his and I’m away from dc for a couple of days I can just breathe and relax. I thought it was maybe just the stress of being at home so I tried a weekend in a hotel alone but I just obsessed about him the whole time.

I just want it to stop. I really like him and really enjoy spending time with him but I am at the stage where I wish I’d never met him. I’m just so tired and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I don't think you need a break or to split up, but you may need to go to counseling to get to the bottom of why you are so obsessed with him. And to be sure you don't miss any red flags. I say that as I know someone that is very obsessed with her partner and he treats her like shit, hurts her feelings but she just goes back to obsessing about him again. I don't think it's healthy and he takes advantage of her feelings for him. So just be careful, get counseling if you can if not try to get involved in other activities so your mind stays occupied.

Sometimes the brain does the most ridiculous things, as you are experiencing now. I would probably take a guess that your system is obsessing so much over your new man in order to push down the grief work you need to do to recover from your long and lonely marriage. If you can get some counselling to deal with the feelings that are being masked by this limerance then it might just calm down for you. Going straight into another relationship fairly quickly after the other one has finished will always cause some residual problems if you haven’t grieved and processed the past.

Try to switch off your phone or put it on silent & keep busy with Friends and hobbies to remind yourself of the things you also enjoy.

I agree with PP. I don’t think you’ve have a chance to process your marriage and your obsession with this new man is almost like hysterical bonding - your brain telling you that you need to grasp and hold onto this good thing in your life. I’m not convinced it’s limerance; your affections are reciprocated but I do think that you have developed this obsession to keep your brain full so it doesn’t have to reflect on the sadness your marriage brought you.

I really think it is a way of coping with the breakdown of my marriage and various other crap that’s currently going on in my life. I know it’s not a normal way to think, even if I’m acting relatively normal. I’ve been to the GP about it and put on Sertraline and she’s referred me to a counsellor. She told me that there is a long waiting list though and I can’t really afford to do anything privately.

kottontail I do try and switch my phone off overnight so I’m not obsessing about it too much then. I don’t really have anything else left in my life at the moment though. My ex got all our friends in the divorce and I can no longer do my one hobby as I have no one to look after the dc’s. Dc2 is autistic and has very high needs, there’s no one that I can leave him with other than my ex or my mum. My ex now stays int he city he works in Mon-Fri and my mum is the cox (rowing) so she can’t have them either. I’m trying to build a new circle of friends but it’s stressful and embarrassing as I’m really awkward and always putting my foot in it.

What are you and new man's plans after being together 18 months ?

mrsmaizel he keeps talking about us going on a joint holiday with my dc and his dc early next year. I don’t want to plan that far in advance as I genuinely don’t know if I should be with him or not. Not because of anything he’s done but just because of the way I am at the moment. I know it’s not healthy and I don’t think it’s a good thing to base a relationship on. But equally he’s a really lovely man who says that he’s in love with me. I don’t know if me just being a paranoid wreck is reason enough to break up what is actually a really nice, adult relationship. I find the thought of not being with him even more terrifying than the thought of doing a joint holiday with his dc.

Sorry but you can afford counselling if you can afford a weekend away in a hotel- isn’t your MH worth it?

That sounds really hard. You don't seem to get a break at all. What are the custody arrangements with your ex? Is him working away so much a new thing?

OP I think you’re probably interpreting it as ‘obsession’ but actually it sounds like you’re just worried about the new relationship and the intensity of it is making you anxious. If he were to disappear tomorrow, and never have existed, would you be relieved? It sounds like you’re understandably having a hard time trusting someone so soon after your marriage broke down, and also that you may be completely out of the habit of connecting emotionally with someone (and the way that can feel dangerous). Go easy on yourself, and if it isn’t making you happy then you should feel free to split up. Maybe you want something less conventional next. Maybe you want time alone.

Just try and switch thoughts, some people wear an elastic band on their wrist and when they are mindful that they are over thinking ping it to snap them back into the present. It sounds like you've just got into this habit as it probably feels like your trapped in your everyday life and this is a way of escape.
He's there to enhance your life, not to become the hero of it, that's on you. I would be looking to myself to see how you could improve the way you feel about yourself, so you won't feel as dependant on him. You sound a lovely person and remember he is lucky to have you also in his life.
Just try and relax, listen to meditation exercises on youtube, to slow down all the clutter in your mind, and get some perspective.
It sounds as though apart from that you have a happy and healthy relationship, be careful not to self sabotage by feeling insecure. Work on your insecurities, it can be done then you will be able to relax and enjoy this relationship more.

lowly the hotel break was a treat from my mum as she saw how stressed I was. She’s the kind of person who thinks all problems can be solved with insane amounts of exercise and thinks that therapy or counselling is on the same level as getting your palm read, she just doesn’t believe it’s a genuine thing. I don’t think she’d give me money for counselling, sadly and I don’t want to worry her by telling her just how bad I’m feeling at the moment.

Ex dh is supposed to have dc EOW but he’s not reliable about it. He recently got a promotion which seems to have increased his workload by 100 and even when he does look after dc he often just sticks them in front of screens so he can work.

Maybe you've just fallen properly in love for the first time? I've felt like this the few times I've been properly in love. It won't last forever but will be more lengthened as you don't live together. Best sex ever when you have this kind of connection, enjoy it.

I had the same in pretty much the same circumstances as you in 2014. Split up with exH who assaulted me, left holding the children most of the time, met a new, younger man 4 months later. Became obsessed with him, I still don't think I love/d him but whatever it was consumed me. He had many faults. We were very on/off for 3 years then he completely cut me off. I have a brilliant new DP who I live with and I know I do properly love him. But when I'm vulnerable or drunk this man creeps into my thoughts and I start to obsess again, even going as far as telling my best friend a couple of weeks ago when very drink that he is the love of my life! Not true but our meeting did something to my brain. I can literally remember every detail of the night we met and I go through this over and over. I have to tell myself it's disassociative behaviour to cover the distress I felt over my marriage ending so badly.

I really feel for you OP, it's a massive headfuck. Do you think you just need time?

Oh OP I could have written this! I met someone online very quickly after separating from my husband, although the marriage had been dead for me for some time. He lives about 2 hours away and is an amazing guy, totally committed to a future together but like you I find myself obsessing and am suffering with high anxiety. I have had some counselling and know I am still dealing with grief from the breakdown of my marriage and am probably burying that and focusing on him. But he's so kind, loving and listens, he's really secure and encourages me to talk about everything. A few times I've told myself I'm going to end it as we both have a young child and couldn't move for years, but then I see him and its great and he just tells me we'll make it work. I do kind of wish I'd never started it, but it has shown me a positive relationship and good Co parenting after being with a narcissist. I feel for you, who would have thought meeting a great guy would cause so much confusion!!! 🤗

@Dancingontheceiling1

Maybe you've just fallen properly in love for the first time? I've felt like this the few times I've been properly in love. It won't last forever but will be more lengthened as you don't live together. Best sex ever when you have this kind of connection, enjoy it.

This. It used to just be called falling in love - see most of the art and literature of the last two thousand years. Pathologising it won’t make it go away, it will either wane of its own accord or it won’t. He’s told you he loves you, you say he’s a really lovely man. Sometimes good things happen. Don’t jinx it by overthinking.

Relax and enjoy it. These sorts of feelings are amazing and you don't get them very often in life.

Sorry should have said they feel amazing if you aren't worrying about them! 😊