Doubting decision to seperate

[Sundayblues21]

Dh and I had been having a really rough run for a few years.

We tried counselling but it didn't work and I think dh may have been EA.
He moved out quite suddenly, although I had said that we needed to seperate as after another nasty outburst, I came to the conclusion that he just doesn't respect me.
We have remained fairly amicable and have been spending time together with the kids but I find it really tough emotionally.
I feel like I have this whole in my heart that isn't going to get better and a longing sadness for what should have been.
To make matters worse, instead of investing his time and efforts into trying to fix this, I think he's had his head turned and it really has been a kick in the gut.
I don't know why I'm even posting this really, just needed to get it out.

Have you been together long op.

Sorry you're going through this, what does he say he wants for the future?

Yes we have been together a long time and have 2 dc.

He says he wants his family back, but his actions don't necessarily say that.
He is very selfish and doesn't care much about my feelings.
This new friendship he's stated has hit me really hard though.

I'm not surprised it's difficult and it's completely normal,to feel sad about it.

However, it sounds like you are mourning for something that wasn't actually happening. A happy relationship and what 'might have been' rather than someone you were fighting with and who didn't make you happy.

You say he was selfish and you say that he didn't respect you. You have tried counselling and now you have made the decision to split up. This is going to sound like a cliche but you need to concentrate on yourself now and what makes you happy.

Yes I started counselling before he left.
I said it was best for us to separate as I had nothing left to give him.
I foolishly thought it would be the kick up the arse to see what he was about to lose and change.
The reality seems to be that I should have just believed him all the times he told me what a bad person I am.
I was doing ok before this new friendship popped up. It has been a matter of weeks since he left and he has known her before that.
I just feel like me and our marriage must be so unimportant to him to use this time to become close to another woman, which he knows would hurt me.

@Sundayblues21. I too was very hurt when my ‘devastated’ ex H (this is 30 years ago) had someone moved in within 5 months and was seeing them within 8 weeks of us separating. I don’t actualky think it’s any reflection on your relationship or depth of feeling etc, I just think some people can’t stand having that ‘relationship shaped void’ in their life and actively try and find someone/anyone to fill that slot pretty quickly— applies to women as much as men too

@Crikeyalmighty how awful for you.
I feel stupid as if he was willing to put the work and the effort in, I would have been here.

I think some men treat women like domestic appliances and just replace them rather than putting in the hard work of actually being a partner to them. Any new woman is unlikely to get the good version of him for long. It's tough, I have been through this myself but I wouldn't give him the time of day now. Have no feelings towards him at all. Like a pp said you need to work on yourself and find yourself and be properly happy. It doesn't sound like being with him was a happy time for you. I am properly happy now and my happiness isn't contingent on a man and his poor treatment of me

Thanks @moirarosebabay I appreciate you sharing your experience.
Did you have to spend time with your ex? I am trying to keep things really amicable with him and still spend time with him and our dc but I am finding it very difficult to keep a brave face on when he cares so little and all I wanted was my family.
He wants his family too, but as you say, it is the wife duties he's missing, not me as a person, who I don't think he particularly cares for.
I think any responsibility I put on him is too much and he hates me for it.

@moirarosebabay. I think you are correct- sadly I think some people are quite shallow and when it ends just think ‘next’ — makes a mockery of all the bloody mindfuckery the partner goes through when trying to decide whether to stay/leave.

So basically what you thought would be a kick up the arse was in fact for him a box ticking exercise to keep you at arms length whilst he continues his friendship with this other person.
He has manipulated the situation so he can test the waters elsewhere.

I find this particularly vile when men do this, he made life unbearable for you, you kick him out and he can then be the victim, he then gets exactly what he wants which is time and freedom to explore.

The only way to take back control is to take his choices away, see a solicitor, tell him you know what he is doing and it's ended, you don't want to play the pick me dance.

Half an hour free at a solicitors should tell you where you stand, I'm sorry he has had his head turned and is probably pretending it's other stuff, they always do.

These are the worst, the one's that deny it, don't let him gaslight you.
x

You need to reduce contact with him as much as possible now. Quick handover of children with essential info and that's it. Treat him like a work colleague you don't particularly like or trust.
Spending family days out together isnot helpful right now and probably confusing for the children.
Besides, he needs to quickly take on the resposibilities of parenting.

@Onthedunes he blames me entirely in that I pushed him away and told him to go. I only did that as he had told me on numerous occasions that I make him unhappy and I just couldn't take it anymore.
I have tried giving him set times now twice a week to have the dc as he was only coming when he had nothing better to do, always at short notice and always with somewhere to be after.
He didn't find suitable accommodation to have the kids so has been spending time with them here.
I don't think he knew her well before he left, they have a shared hobby. It's the fact that I have begged him to spend time with me and he was never interested, yet has managed to arrange a weekly meet up with her. He has also tried to hide it from me and lied to me about it. Not the actions of a man who only wanted his family back.
I know I need to let it go but it's making me ill. I don't know whether to say anything to him or not. He will only tell everyone I'm crazy and unreasonable if I do anyway.

My ex is abusive but from what you say about the nasty outbursts and refusal to see his behaviour as a problem possibly your one is too. I did spend time with him at first. I was terrified of being on my own with the kids and feeling the first pain of the loneliness. Then I'd post on Mumsnet and the wise women (who were right) would tell me to only have minimal contact. When I went to minimal contact it sped up my recovery. I think I didn't accept it was over despite being the one to leave him. He really lovebombed me in the early stages and made me feel special so I still always had that lingering hope he would come back and change back to the man I had initially met. I had to accept that who he was was the actual man he was for the majority of our relationship, the one who watched me struggle with the kids and made things worse and refused to "help" and was nasty to me and isolated me from my family so I had no one. Once I was away from him properly everything got so much better. I am genuinely happy now and have wonderful friends and my kids are so happy. Our home is full of love and very relaxed. He had a succession of women and is currently alone after the latest one (who also had a baby with him) left him quite suddenly during lockdown. I don't think he's changed. He's very charming at first but once we had our son he wouldn't lift a finger to do anything for him.

@moirarosebabay yes I think mine is one of those.

I have loved him so much and given him everything I have, but it wasn't enough. The world evolves around him and his needs.

I just wish I could go back in time to when we were happy. My heart is broken.
My parents had a very nasty split and refused to be in the same room as each other. I really don't want that for my dc. It just leaves me feeling so low when I spend much time with him. I think I have made the mistake of clinging on to the hope that he would step up and try and make things better.
A very big part of me doesn't want to let go.

Are your children young?

He says he wants his family back, it sounds to me as though he wants to go off and play and thinks you will be there to welcome him back with open arms.

The thing is op, he has always had his own way and this episode is just another (albeit a very painful one) demonstration that he has the upper hand. I have a feeling he may come back, these types can't stand the thought of you pouring all that love and affection on someone else.

It's a dreadful place for you to be, having to assert boundaries until it gets so bad you are pushed to the point of no return.

You havn't done anything wrong, he's a cunt, acknowledge that, no need to be polite anymore, he is treating you with contempt.
Until you act, there will be no possitive change for you, you can neither get over this and heal ,or be happy if he returns because you will hate him for it.
It's a no win situation.

He needs to know that actions have consequences and at the moment you don't feel strong enough to implant them. Try your best to look after yourself, sort out child maintenance and get in place fixed times he has the children officially, let him see that he is not a single man without responsibilities turning up when it suits him.

Lean on your family/friends if possible, it's time to get support and don't divulge anything to his family, they will side with him.

Yes the children are primary school aged.
I said to him that I asked him to leave as I was backed into a corner when he said he wishes he had left me, but then said that was just words and it's my fault.
I don't think he sees the damage his words and actions have done over the years.
I tried hard to set boundaries with him, get him to see my point of view but it was impossible.
He watched me struggle with the house, kids a bereavement and did nothing so to then turn around again and tell me all these horrible things pushed me to my limit.
This new friendship just seems like a cruel way to punish me again.
I wish he could have tried.