Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Controlling ex husband

23 replies

Rozee · 31/08/2021 17:55

I am 2 years down the line trying to separate from a very abusive and controlling husband. He has a full time job and full police pension and I am a stay at home mum to our 2 kids. He has not allowed me access to any money for over 2 years and we have been at court twice and he will not accept what the judge says. We are now in high court in October which I thought was a light at the end of the tunnel. He has now disinstructed his solicitor and is acting on his own behalf now which is not helpful. he just does not do anything he has been instructed to do and will not communicate in any way with either myself or my lawyer. I can see the actual date for court being cancelled as we do not have all the paperwork necessary. I am in so much debt trying to fight his coercion it is affecting my health and the welfare of my children. we live under the same roof as I have no money to move out and will not leave my children. Has anyone been in similar scenario- any hepl would be appreciated. he would live like this forever -surely this can not be allowed to happen?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/08/2021 18:10

Have you spoken to woman's aid and national domestic violence helpline?

The financial abuse could be enough to get an occupation order. You could also report him for coercive control?

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/08/2021 18:12

Have you spoken to a debt advisor about the financial abuse?

PicsInRed · 31/08/2021 18:16

I can understand that, realistically, him being a police officer will complicate matters around your ability to get support with his coercive control.

How old are the kids?

What are the main assets?

What is the matter being contested at the high court, is it the divorce, child arrangements or financial remedy?

RandomMess · 31/08/2021 18:26

He's a retired police officer and if they don't take it seriously you can report and carry on up there chain of command.

Maray1967 · 31/08/2021 18:50

Is he not letting you claim child benefit because he pays higher rate tax? If so, start claiming it now. There must be a way of doing it via the benefits website. I claim mine and DH has to pay it back in tax, but there is no way I’d stop claiming it. It isn’t much but it’s more than £130 for 2 DC every four weeks.

Theunamedcat · 31/08/2021 18:53

What does your solicitor say?

Asylum seperated but still living under the same roof do you have access to public funds?

Do you have a job

Theunamedcat · 31/08/2021 18:55

As you are seperated not asylum

Original poster

Rozee · 31/08/2021 20:07

he has been arrested and charged with control and coercion but I decided not to press charges as it would mean him loosing his job and I said if he agreed to proceed with the court hearing I wouldnt. that last one week and now he is back to his usual control and coercive self.

I cant believe he can get away with this behaviour and there isnt a law that stops people bullying like he is. he now wont do anything in preparation for our court date in 4 weeks.

OP posts:

OnceTheyDid · 31/08/2021 20:09

Go back and press charges against him

Original poster

Rozee · 31/08/2021 20:12

I dont know anything about a debt advisor and how that would help ? he is forcing me to run up so much debt whilst he works full time and receives his full police pension. I do get child benefit but that doesnt last - he doesnt contribute to the kids upkeep or care but has just taken the kids on an all inclusive holiday to spain - he plays superdad.

OP posts:

Spudina · 31/08/2021 20:12

I’m hoping the court would take a very dim view of this. But I agree that you should reconsider pressing charges.

Purplealienpuke · 31/08/2021 20:18

I also agree you should reconsider pressing charges.
He sounds like he's not going play nice anytime soon.
Unfortunately being 'the law' has given him the misunderstanding he's above it!
What an awful situation for you and the kids.

Dullardmullard · 31/08/2021 20:21

Are you separated if so

Call CMS get a claim in

Occupation orders for the house
Time to have him arrested if he continues
Will he be looking at jail time at all if he goes against the high court judgment

RandomMess · 31/08/2021 20:43

You must press charges. That will also give you access to legal aid.

You must claim child benefit in your name and put in a universal credit application as a single parent - this is possible as you are separated even though residing in the same house don't let them tell you otherwise you mustn't do any laundry shopping laundry etc for him though.

Speak to national domestic helpline and they will talk you through getting an occupation order.

Theunamedcat · 31/08/2021 21:44

@Rozee

I cant believe he can get away with this behaviour and there isnt a law that stops people bullying like he is. he now wont do anything in preparation for our court date in 4 weeks.

There is a law press charges and he won't be able to get away with it

TheSandgroper · 31/08/2021 23:26

There is a law that assists with stopping coercion and control and you were offered access to it.

But you played nicely.

No more Mrs Nice. If you are offered such assistance again, take it. If you have any big guns, use them. Learn the lessons he is teaching you. You can’t win a fight your way when the other side doesn’t turn up. You need to win it his way now.

LannieDuck · 01/09/2021 12:58

If he's drawing a pension and still working, I guess late 50s-60s?

I'm just asking to work out approximate age of the kids... are they too old for CMS?

altmember · 01/09/2021 17:52

Hang in there, as hard as it is. The judge will rip him to pieces for not co operating.

PepsiHoover · 01/09/2021 17:59

I was just about to ask if he is still working. Does he work for the force area you live in? Does his force know of his arrest?

You need to play nasty. Make a complaint. Go to court.

Original poster

Rozee · 01/09/2021 20:11

Our kids are 9 and 13 - brilliant kids too.
I am just struggling with his obstructive control and how he can be allowed to be like this with potentially causing the court date to be cancelled yet again - this will cripple me as it was my light at the end of a dark dark tunnel. He has retired from the police but is still in a notifiable job and was suspended when he was arrested - he appealed his bail conditions and got them lifted as i didnt want to get him charged. You are all correct in that I need to toughen up but I am so broken and what little energy I have I focus on the kids. he is a bully - no other word for him. Its just so unfair that mothers/women have to put up with this and i believe he actually gets a kick out of it. I have spoken to Domestic Abuse Helplines and police but short of abandoning my childrenand moving out my home which I am not willing to do there is nothing to be done.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/09/2021 20:22

Tell the police you now wish to press charges it's going to be the quickest way to end it.

Ultimately the court can make decisions without him complying, far easier to get that implemented if he's actively being charged with coercive control.

Likely you can get an occupation as well.

Original poster

Rozee · 01/09/2021 20:41

Thank you
I just need to muster up the strength to give statements etc - he’s mentally and emotionally broken me some days I don’t even know my name. Thank you so much

OP posts:

charmingthebirds · 02/09/2021 09:27

Perhaps you just need the support of someone to go with you, Rozee?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread