Nobody seems to mind offending me

[fedup81]

Please tell me if I'm just being too sentimental but I've noticed lately that nobody seems to mind offending me. People say stuff to me that they wouldn't say to anyone else.

Like a few months ago I went to see my friend and when I went in her house she told me with a big grin that her 8 year old DD had seen me coming down the street and had said "oh god not her again, why does SHE always have to come now?" If my kids had said that about someone I certainly wouldn't go and tell them.

Last week another friend was on about her daughter, she had apparantly got out the magnet making set that I bought her for her birthday and upon trying to use it discovered that it wasn't very good so my friend actually told me that her DD had said "this is crap, it doesn't even work properly!" and my friend was laughing whilst telling me and then said "I told her I'd buy her a better one"

My last partner was terrible for it, he'd walk into my house and say stuff like "wow, it's tidy...is it christmas?" or he would comment that the food I'd made was horrible and he would buy some proper food later etc.

I don't understand why people always do this to me. Family are the same, people take the piss out of me, my house, my kids yet they would never dream of saying the same kind of things to my cousins.

It's always been the same though, I remember when I was at secondry school, when I was about 15 a girl came upto me out of nowhere and just said "you look really odd, you have really long legs and a really small body..."

I'm just feeling fed up. I know I'm a doormat and I wish I could be tougher but why do people have to be so horrible all the time?

if you hold yourself in high esteem, or at least pretend to, other people will almos always follow suit. so i think that partly, you are feeling low and noticing these negatives more, and feeling them hurt more than if you were feeling stronger and able to shrug them off... and also, that if you dont tell people, not neccessarily argumentatively, and not bloody assive aggressively (not saying you do that, is just a pet hate), that you are actually a bit hurt/put out by that comment, they dont know not to do it again.

maybe they think you are untouched/not as sensitive as you are? in which case the above is bollocks, and pretending to be more hardy than you are is stupid. im not actually being any help here am i?

a combination i think, of trying not to take things so personally, and communicating that you feel walked on and would prefer not to be, is the way forward imo.

That's really not fair is it.

Those people are being rude and insensitive. It says much more about them than it does about you though.

Have you ever tried explaining that it's hurtful - maybe if your friend says something like that again you could say 'well actually, I feel quite hurt by what you've just said'. You don't have to be confrontational or angry or rude, maybe it'd make her think about it. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that, remember that, your friend is probably a bit insecure or thoughtless.

Oh x post with nappies, but see - we give the same advice. Point out where they're going wrong. But if they do it again, poke them in the eye with a pencil.

I wonder if you are a bit like me. You put on a tough exterior but deep down you are really sensitive.

If people said those same things to me I would just laugh along with them and make out that I didn't really care but deep down it would really hurt.

I think with your ex he just sounds like an idiot and he would probably make comments like that to anyone he was with.

As for the other comments from friends and family they probably don't realise how upset it makes you feel.

However they shouldn't say things like that in the first place.

Goodness gracious, if my children were ever so rude about a friend of mine I would be having strong words with them, and certainly not repeating it laughingly to the friend in question.

I think you can safely consider that this sort of behaviour says more about the people exhibiting it than you.

I have to say....I dont think any of those examples (and you only gave one reference from last week, and the next a few months ago) were that dreadful. But I suppose it does depend on the context.

You could tell people that these kind of comments offend you, although I'm not entirely sure that approach would hit home.

I tend to deal with crass comments with a huge dollop of sarcasm. It makes me feel better and they get the message

I agree with berolina. If my kids said something like that I would tell them not to be so ungrateful and I would never repeat it to my friend. I'd be too embarrassed that my kids had been so rude.

I would laugh ... and giggle "Gosh, leave your manners under your pillow, did you, you rude slag?"

Ok, not slag, but I would say "cow" and think 'slag'

lol at colditz

and i agree with vvv... like i said, i think you may be feeling these comments more keenly than they themselves warrant because you are otherwise feeling a bit under the weather. (tho i also concur that it does depend on context and maybe they really are being obnoxious and rude!)

be kind to yourself, and communicate more.

I used to be like you, quite gentle and good mannered and some ppl thought that meant weakness. Probably through my job, I've learnt to be more 'spikey' & am now known for my plain-speaking lol. But I'm also quite a sensitive person (esp at the time of the month) and can brood on what ppl say more than I should.

Put value on yourself as the pp said, and plan what you would have liked to have said in response to the examples you gave on here, and practice delivering it in a measured but firm way. At the beginning you won't necessarily 'win' every time someone is rude, but as with any skill, it's just a matter of practising.

i.e. If someone says,"I don't mean to be rude but..", you can say pointedly, "But you're going to be.."

With your friend, deliberately get the wrong end of the stick, and say commiseratingly, "I know it's a shame about her manners, but I'm sure she'll grow out of it."

Be indignant, "I'm sorry??!!" "I beg your pardon?" as if you can't believe your ears. Or show your emotions/ be the passive aggressive and pile on the guilt (tears are good!) "I find that hurtful/rude/..." and then leave the silence hanging.

is it possible that they are saying these things in a playful, teasing way, thinking...'good old fedup, she can take a joke'?

we have a good friend in a 'group' who is rather dippy and we often have a laugh WITH her at her expense . now its just possible, i guess, that she doesnt alwyas find it as funny as we think. could this be happening with you? ie, they dont realize that they are being mean.

the examples you have given could have been playful (although rather overstepping the mark, i admit).

I'm with Heated. I like to laugh at rude comments and say, "Oh! Can you believe you just said that out loud?!"

long legs and a small body? god, you must be gorgeous. i'd have loved it if someone could have said that to me... [dumpy icon]

you've got good advice... something i say if someone oversteps the mark is 'it's just as well my feelings aren't easily hurt, isn't it?'

of course you might prefer to have a proper chat about it, especially with family, but if you're not feeling up to that then that one sends the message with a smile.

Hmmm, did your parents used to talk to you this way? I wonder whether this is the sort of behaviour you grew up with, and you're (unconsciously) choosing friends and partners who do this, because this is how (you feel) people show love.

I completely agree with divaskychick and am going to use that myself. Best ever.

It began with your family. You need to look to your childhood and how they treated you then. I know it sounds a big step but councelling would be a good idea, to change how you react/deal with these people, including family.

And there are nice people out there, its just you are comfortable with people who act like members of your family so you find becoming friends with them 'comfortable'.

I've had years of attracting the wrong type of friend/boyfriend and its taken councelling to get me to step out of my 'come take a dig at me' persona. Now I have a lovely bunch of friends who show some respect.

And if you need to talk about your family...try this thread. Feel free to add your story, you won't be hijacking the thread, started out with Pages problems with her mum and its turned into a 'difficult families' thread.

The good news is you don't have to live like this for ever If you want to you can change things, with help and support.