Rights when separating but not married

[Pbelle]

Hi, I have a friend in need of advice. She and her partner are not married but have children and own a (mortgaged) house together. They seemingly have the perfect lifestyle. He runs his own business and provides for the family whilst she has been a SAHM since having the children. She has all she needs: car, phone, home etc. and he often reminds her she should be grateful for all that she is given.
The other side of the coin is that said friend is trapped in a loveless and IMO abusive relationship. She is routinely ignored and has no control over neither finances nor her own movements. He tracks everything, movements, calls... (via her phone), controls money (his company "pays" her the minimum tax free amount, but it's not enough to live on and pay all the household running costs so she has no expendable income at all and has to ask for money constantly, for example, to buy school uniform, pay dinner money, buy petrol). Her belongings regularly disappear, things like gifts from friends, books and clothes. I witness how unkind he is to her, belittling her in front of others, and undermining her waning confidence, convincing her she is wrong or cannot remember things properly, using the DC as pawns giving them expensive gifts and days out and allowing them to do things that she tries to limit. She was a confident happy person. Now she despairs how she can ever break free, feeling old and left behind, unable to go back to her career.

She has asked for my help to work out how she can leave but I have no real idea how to even start. She has been for interviews for waitressing jobs and should be working part time soon to give her the first step of independence. He tells her she has no rights at all and laughs at the suggestion that she will ever leave him because "most women would be grateful" for all that he gives her. He has done other things that are very underhand that I can't describe here. He is quite a corrupt person.

Does anyone here have any experience and suggestions, maybe having been through this? What rights does she have and where does she even begin?

Sadly I don't think she has any rights :( she would be entitled to child support, so she needs to get copies of his business income ASAP before he starts squirrelling it away!

She already claims child benefit - she has no idea what his earnings are. I explained that he'll get the high income charge most likely. I think it's him who will be hit.
How can she find out about his earnings / business income?

She needs to see a solicitor. She has the right to have a share of the equity in the house, as she owns it jointly. Her partner will have to pay maintenance for the children as I cant imagine he will be taking care of them 50% of the time.

Shes doing the right thing looking for work. There are benefit calculators that will tell her how much universal credit she should be entitled to. She needs to be aware that if her boyfriend is self-employed he will probably fiddle the books to prove he earns sod-all and can't afford to pay decent maintenance.

How does she not know what he earns?

@Funnylittlefloozie do you know if it is possible to extract the equity from him in any way? He won't want to sell and will be unlikely to do anything helpful unless he has no choice.

She really needs to get some legal advice, usually first half hour is free.
She will need to be careful he doesn't find out though, not taking her phone and use a different number for any correspondence if possible.

And as previously post, any evidence of his income she can get copies of, again leave with someone else for safe keeping.

@Funnylittlefloozie he keeps everything hidden. I've just helped her to find out that 1. she was employed by him and 2. who they are mortgaged with.
If I hadn't seen it I wouldn't have believed it possible for someone who was so independent to end up so wrung out and reliant on another person. I feel angry both at her and for her.

@Holshicup she is expecting a call from a solicitor with the free half hour. We rang CAB who put her in touch. She's terrified he'll find out (she used my phone), and cannot pay for more legal advice at present due to the money issues. I will help all I can too. Meanwhile I'm hopeful that I can build a realistic picture of first steps that she ought to be taking. She's not able to think very clearly.

Unfortunately she doesn’t really have many rights.
If she has been employed officially by him for over 2 years she may have employee rights though so he can’t just sack her

She needs speak to women’s aid he is being financial abusive at the very least. She does not have to stay in trapped relationship. It does sound like easier for her to leave and try and get hostel place then tell with any house equity later down the road. He dosnt sound like he would agree to move out. She could claim benefits in the same house once technically separated but only she will know how much the abuse would escalated and how much of a nightmare he could make her life for months years until he agrees to selling the house.

You say she 'was' employed by him, is she not anymore? How long has she received salary from him? She will be entitled to a share of the equity in the house and she can force the sale of the house of need be but when a family member of mine had to seriously consider doing this it was a long, drawn out affair (and that was pre covid). She definitely needs a solicitor, I would point her in that direction then take a step away tbh, the last thing she needs now is someone angry at her when it sounds like she's been financially abused.

If she gets child benefit he's likely not earning a huge salary unless he pays it back which would be pointless. So maintenance might not be much.

X posted with you ok regarding her seeing a solicitor, that's a good step. Does she has any family? What was her career before having children?

She gets child benefit because she claims it. He doesn't know she claims it, I don't think. I'd say he almost certainly earns over the threshold.

According to HMRC she is still employed by him although he says otherwise. The HMRC records online only show the past 5 years tax summaries. Again, she doesn't know when her "employment" started...

She is definitely being victimised by him.
@InDubiousBattle I am not "angry" in the furious sense, more frustrated at how it ended up like this.

@Pbelle you need to as MNHQ to move this over to Legal. There are several excellent solicitors on that board who will have good advice rather than general opinions and experiences you are likely to get on other boards.

No family at all, but a good network of friends. She used to work in IT and had her own business. Now she feels very out of touch.

@sskanky

If she gets child benefit he's likely not earning a huge salary unless he pays it back which would be pointless. So maintenance might not be much.

It is not pointless. He doesn't pay it back, it gets claimed in tax I think and it sounds like he is manipulating that well. Whether he pays it back or not, it is not pointless and all women are advised to claim it regardless. Firstly it can be paid directly to her and is often he only money that is "hers"and secondly, and very importantly, every year claimed counts as National Insurance contributions for state pension. I know many women who have a very patchy employment record but get full state pension because of child benefit.

@DameCelia thank you - I'll do that now

You can claim child benefit without receiving the money in order to get the pension later on. Easier than doing a tax return if either partner is over £60k

I have a colleague who was married, I know not quite the same situation but went through divorce proceedings. They have one child and because of the cough "Stress" of the situation the wife gave up the job. As a result she became the majority carer for the child. As a result after much negotiation the house was split 60:40 in her favour even though he had put £80,000 in to the deposit.

In addition his pension was given to her. Odd I know. Anyway so depending on who is on the name for the property and who takes ownership for the kids there is a chance he'll have to give in the same way. At the very least possibly have to make child payments.

@Rocktheboat87

I have a colleague who was married, I know not quite the same situation but went through divorce proceedings. They have one child and because of the cough "Stress" of the situation the wife gave up the job. As a result she became the majority carer for the child. As a result after much negotiation the house was split 60:40 in her favour even though he had put £80,000 in to the deposit.

In addition his pension was given to her. Odd I know. Anyway so depending on who is on the name for the property and who takes ownership for the kids there is a chance he'll have to give in the same way. At the very least possibly have to make child payments.

It’s unfortunately completely different as they aren’t married.

She needs legal advice with regards to the house, it can be tricky to unpick.

But she really really needs to speak to women’s aid at the least, at best the police. He’s financially abusive and controlling. It’s now a crime.

Thank you everyone for advice so far. I've put the post on the legal board now.