Husband's ex and accusations of DV

[FranklyFanj]

Another thread got me thinking about this situation which happened when I first met DH and whether you would be willing to accept his version of events after this length of time.

Basically when I first met DH he told me that his ex had been physically abusive toward him which is why he'd left. He also told me that there was an occasion where she had rang the police and told them it was him who'd hit her. He said this was completely fabricated and an attempt to prevent him from seeing their children when he'd left (it was after he had moved out), it was investigated and social services were also involved at one point and both felt there was no case. We have (and have always had) 50:50 with his DC.

Now I know people may call me naive at the time to have stayed but we have now been together for 8 years, married for 4. I have seen his ex become aggressive toward him with my own eyes (in his face, speaking to him abusively
on our doorstep etc) I would definitely say she has some anger issues, never once in our entire relationship has he ever been violent toward me nor aggressive in his manner, we have disagreements but we have all in all a happy marriage and from what I know of him after these years I just cannot picture him doing that.

After this length of time, would you feel confident that his version was the truth?

I doubt you'll ever know what the 'truth' is but if you feel happy and secure and haven't had any 'red flags' in the time you've been together then I think it's fine.

I would believe him. I might have had my doubts in the early days but you know who you’re married to…

It's such a tricky one isnt it? She might be quite awful and aggressive but he might still have also been abusive.

Is it crucial that you know?

It sounds like you feel safe currently.
Do you have the kind of relationship where you can disagree and work out your differences calmly?

You won't know for any degree of certainty until you're vulnerable i.e. had kids with him, ill health etc. Even then, you may not see it until you say "no", tell him you're leaving and so on.

Even the worst abuse of the mother won't stop contact with the kids. The authorities don't care about the mother.

Exact same situation as you, exact same events before and after. I trust my gut and look at the behaviours they both exhibit to this day which support his version not hers. Remember there is 3 truths. His truth, her truth and the actual truth. In her perception may have been "abusive" but by a legal standard not. You can't change someone's perception sadly.

You won't know for any degree of certainty until you're vulnerable i.e. had kids with him, ill health etc

I do know that there is no guarantee even with the situations given in your example but to just add some more info, we do have DC together and I went through a period a couple of years ago of being quite unwell mentally, suicidal, depressed, all triggered by a physical health condition, I was in and out of work and quite difficult to live with at times. He's been nothing but supportive genuinely.

He's not perfect of course but I have never felt he has been anywhere close to abusive or aggressive toward me.

It's not crucial that I know, I'm happy and there are no red flags for me. It just got me thinking the other thread, I'd actually forgotten about it until I read that thread and thought that's kind of what happened to me in a way although it wasn't the ex that warned me.

I'm in a similar situation. I was cautious and looking out for red flags, but then she started telling lies about me and I knew my gut feeling was right. I'm not to say he's blameless but it's quite clear that neither is she.