Muddled

[Namebunny]

Hello, Dh has been a bit controlling in the past and I’m having counselling to stand up for myself, so things are improving but I’m still getting confused.
He asked me to book a train ticket for his weekend away with the boys as he is too busy.this doesn’t feel right somehow. I said I’m nervous because I’ll get it wrong and you’ll shout. He said he wouldn’t.as we had the calendar out, I reminded him I need to visit my mum for a week ( lives miles away) ( I always get nervous at this, it becomes such a massive production and I don’t know why) and he insists it’s when the kids are off school for a day, as he can ‘struggle on for the rest of the week’ ( they’re teens ffs)
Then I stupidly saw half term was coming up. Because we didn’t go away over summer because of his work, ( we also didnt go out for my birthday beacause of his work) he promised half term we’d go somewhere and his parents offered to chip in. Stupidly I wondered out loud about taking us all to see mum, as it’s obviously cheaper and he said’ ure not going on 2 holidays ‘ I explained it’s not a holiday, it’s visiting family. He immediately starts on because I’m not bringing in an income and how am I going to pay for it. I know I’m not, I managed to say that I can get a full time job and you would be doing a lot less work on your own job and he kept quiet. I feel that he’s wanting me to do all the boring house/ kids stuff but he can still put me down because he’s earning. In the past hs very cross when I got a shop job as it doesn’t pay enough apparantly. So now I’m trying hard to improve my skill set. I was feeling like a failure because it’s taking me so long, but I am realising that he interrupts me a lot - It feels like I do a lot of listening and supporting to him ( he needs me to go to tescos with him. Or shouldn’t have to do that because it’s the weekend) but it feels if we talk about me it’s more critiscised and why haven’t I done x or y yet. Today I said I was too busy for a walk and he pulled a poor me face and said he’d go on his own then, which left me feeling awful, but yesterday I went on a walk and felt so drained afterwards ( I find it hard to switch from learning to listening) it took me ages to pick up again. He also seems to think he cooks dinner all the time. And we all have to be amazed. Then he can’t clear up because he cooked, but that rule doesn’t apply to me, because he works and is tired. Then he tells me I should keep the dinners simple like he does. Grr! He leaves clothes all over his room, and finally asked for me to help him put the sheet back on, and dumped all the old orange peel on the cupboard. Is this normal behaviour? I’m not tidy but I feel this is yuck.
Also very wierd about ds shoes - he didn’t like ones id ordered until I said I’ll send them back and get others, they’ll be £40 He got cross because that’s £80 out of our account at one time. We have the money in the account.So then I didn’t know what to do and then he got irritated because I hadn’t sorted it.
And then he’ll go to this weekend with his mates and be all flash Harry.
I don’t understand. I mean I do - he wants me to earn and I want to earn, and of course,more kids I had a great job. it just doesn’t seem to happen. And I don’t know why.
Confused! Sorry to ramble. I need to get rid of all this confusion so I can get on and learn before other stuff. I just don’t know how to make it fair. While I’m not earning. Or what even is fair.

Also it’s the work of a controlling abuser to manipulate the situation so much that YOU are behaving counselling essentially w a view to becoming adept at accommodating and withstanding his horrendous treatment of you.

Stop that right away. The counsellor has told you he puts you down. There is nothing f healthy there to save.

Exhausted now. He has come to apologise for shouting. He explained he hates his job, he’s got too much to do. While he does that my job is to look after the kids. He wants them to have nice shoes, he thought we’d
sorted it, and ds would wear the shoes ( that neither of them liked) I said, usually you’d persuaded him to wear them. But this time apparantly he took his cue from ds. That ds runs rings around me. He wants to give up this job and set up his own company but he can’t as we need a certain income and I’m not earning and I’m procrastinating. And then I want to go on holiday and he’s worried about keeping the house.
I explain that I ma doing the house, and supporting him and the kids nad my own stuff. But it all sounds so silly. I sound like a school girl making excuses.I am not progressing as much as I wanted to - I don’t know why, it’s a struggle.
I explained I find walks and listening to his stuff draining and he says we haven’t been on any walks lately , you don’t have to come. I said, I thought I’d come because I’m concerned that you are stuck in your office all day. ( and also because you pull the silly sad boy face if I don’t go.)
Confused again. I need to just get on and make progress and get work. He still refuses to believe I can’t find a job that’s not a shop job.
I still can’t understand how people get meaningful stuff done. Not just the house. I do the bare minimum and still that’s my morning gone - going to the supermarket and a few errands.
I hear what you are saying, but I still feel like it’s me, I’m doing something wrong.

Thanks.

It's not you.
It's him.

There is nothing wrong with a shop job. It brings in money. It gets you into a different environment. It can get you a reference for another job.

You would be a lot less muddled if you were away from this man.

@GrandmaSteglitszch

It's not you. It's him.

There is nothing wrong with a shop job. It brings in money. It gets you into a different environment. It can get you a reference for another job.

You would be a lot less muddled if you were away from this man.

This x 1000.

Exh told me I'd be shit at driving - I have been driving for ten years now.

He told me my food was disgusting - I cook good meals every day.

Told me I am didn't earn enough - I earn approx 3 times what he did

If you left him you would quickly become able to think and relax and achieve whatever you want to, I'm sure of it.

Funny, sometimes I read posts and think, ‘ how can you not know that this behaviour is wrong’. Now I know. It’s like a door opening very quickly - and slamming shut. But I think you are helping me prop it open. It takes a lot of propping at the moment, it’s a very strong door.
The room im in is not what I thought.
Lots to think about, thank you .

Me again, sorry! And sorry for the previous post..too much doctor who!

Re reading everything. Very good advice thank you. Legoriakelne that’s a startling analogy that’s hit home. That’s exactly what I’m doing. And not just in relationship. I think I’m doing it with counsellor and hoping she’ll sort wave a magic wand for me. I think I need to take control of what I want, and how I want to live my life. I need to grow the f. Up.
Thank you all.

Keep re-reading the posts on here.

The belief that if you change yourself the abuse will stop is the falsehood he has given you - it's a very effective way to keep his power over you, because it distracts you from what's really going on and wastes your time and energy.

And it's easier for you to think your partner is giving you information and advice which can help you to be acceptable to him - if only you could follow it - than it is to believe that he is being horrible to you and will never stop criticising.

Start looking into how you will get away from him and what arrangements you need to make for housing, finance etc.
Once you know what can be done, decide what you actually will do.

It's really really really hard to know what you want when you don't get the option to make your own decisions OP, I still struggle and have been split up with exh for a long time now.

Even with a supportive partner now, I really struggle to know what on earth my needs are never mind how to get there.

It's hard. But you can do it!

Please contact Women's aid. I went to my local domestic abuse charity after I had been out of the relationship a while, he had never laid a finger on me but I wanted to start the freedom program (highly recommend it). They were so lovely and so understanding. They really knew where I was coming from and saw just how confusing it had all been. They will want to listen to what you have to say.

You're here trying to get stronger, trying to grow as a person, you are really trying. It's not coming together for you because he is sabotaging you. If you succeed that means he is a failure. If you are happier you might see the real him, the flawed and abusive truth. He is turning your head every which way to stop you seeing who he really is. He puts you down to stop you from wanting more than he has to offer. Would you want him as a friend? Why should you settle for it in a husband?

If 'being stronger' means more willing to take his shit then I wouldn't want to get stronger, I'd just want to be free.

This is giving me chills. I have lived some of this.
The rule changing. Moving the goal posts. Fake support then abrupt change.
Keep talking to us my love, if you can safely.

Inside every browbeaten, downtrodden woman is a strong and positive woman wanting to get out and live her life to the full.

Don't let him stop you.

@2catsandhappy

This is giving me chills. I have lived some of this. The rule changing. Moving the goal posts. Fake support then abrupt change. Keep talking to us my love, if you can safely.

Me too, it's amazing how you think you have to hide everything and no one else lives the way you do, then you come on here and discover that actually other people have been through this and are now happy. The moving the goal posts was probably the biggest headfuck.

@Namebunny

Me again, sorry! And sorry for the previous post..too much doctor who!

Re reading everything. Very good advice thank you. Legoriakelne that’s a startling analogy that’s hit home. That’s exactly what I’m doing. And not just in relationship. I think I’m doing it with counsellor and hoping she’ll sort wave a magic wand for me. I think I need to take control of what I want, and how I want to live my life. I need to grow the f. Up.
Thank you all.

This is a really important realisation for you. I am glad the analogy helped you.

When you have been traumatised (like you have by this abuse) it can leave you with a very strong feeling of wanting to be rescued and therefore becoming very passive, so you are quite likely right to observe that might have been happening with your counsellor.

Equally, now that you have noticed then you can change it. Once you notice something you have the power to change things.

You can take control and will feel so much better for doing so. But take control without putting yourself down! Build yourself up, encourage yourself.

If you were lost on that hike, you'd want to hear encouraging words from yourself to keep going and get yourself to safety, right? You'd be telling yourself things like how strong you are and that you can get yourself out of this situation.

Do the same now.

I said it before, I'll say it again: you're not useless.

You're in a tough spot. You can change it by taking control.

@Namebunny

Sending you some much needed solidarity and empathy tonight

Keep posting here
Never apologise
Never feel stupid or that you are rambling.

You deserve peace of mind and happiness

I'm glad the lights are slowly but surely starting to come on for you namebunny

FWIW, we've run out of bread today as well. DP has just got back from a 13 hour shift, he's shattered, but he's made his sandwich from what bread is left and said he'll pick some up tomorrow. Thats how normal caring men react when you run out of bread.

Keep going. You'll get there x

You sound lovely OP and you deserve so much better xx

Thanks all. Naturally I’m now in denial and questioning his every move. And mine.
I talk to the counsellor next week so lots to discuss.
leogoriakelne, you say, ‘when you have been traumatised (like you have by this abuse) it can leave you with a very strong feeling of wanting to be rescued and therefore becoming very passive can I find out any more about this? Again it is helpful because it’s going some way to explain why I feel so useless, maybe it’s not just me being useless!
I couldn’t find his pills the chemist had given me last night. Which is a bit annoying, agreed.He seemed to think talking to me in a very authoritative way would make me look harder.
In the past I would have panicked and spent all night looking. Tonight in part thanks to you guys, I realised he was acting like a whiny 3 year old and Victorian dad combined. Not an attractive trait. So I said I’d get some more tomorrow. He said he needed them now. In a very stupidly assertive tone, so I went to bed. They are tiny aspirins . You can cut an ordinary aspirin in half. They are, important, obviously but it’s not like losing your pace maker. . He is very anxious after a big health scare, so it’s been tricky.
You are right, whinging on here and trying to understand is ridiculous. I need to get off the mountain!
Funnylittlefoozy, your Dp sounds lovely. 13 hour shift is not to be sneezed at!
Thanks everyone for your time and advice.

What a prick

If he'd lost something of yours, would you act like that towards him? That's not a normal way to react to a minor inconvenience.

leogoriakelne, you say, ‘when you have been traumatised (like you have by this abuse) it can leave you with a very strong feeling of wanting to be rescued and therefore becoming very passive can I find out any more about this? Again it is helpful because it’s going some way to explain why I feel so useless, maybe it’s not just me being useless!

There is a book called Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman that discusses this in more detail (as well as the wider impact of the insidious type of abuse you've been experiencing). That particular aspect is in the second section on recovery, although it might make more sense to you if you start at the beginning and have more context to go with it.

There are other sources you could read, but that's the one that comes to mind as being most suitable if that's the particular idea you've connected with and would like to understand more.

It's not just you being useless.

leogoriakelne, thank you very much, I’ve just downloaded it. It looks good!
HumdrumGuga that’s a very good point.
A very good point.