Husband's bad mood is this acceptable?

[Swansee]

So I'm not sure if this us a "me" issue or a "him" issue so some impartial advice would be great.

My husband is a quiet man socially and would often refer to himself as being an introvert but he was always chatty in our home together we always chat/joke/ laugh together. However recently (maybe the last 6 months) he has been increasingly distant, one word answers, outright silence and sometimes won't even look up from the TV if I enter the room, honestly it feels like contempt. It's not everyday, but it's often. When I ask him if he's OK he says he's tired, or has a sore back or he has some work stuff on his mind... but this mood can last all day. I often find myself waking up in the morning wondering which version of him am I going to get today. We have a toddler and he is less interactive with her on these days too although he is still a great dad.
He has always been weirdly silent around his own family too, so I guess the signs were there but he was never like this with us before.
We've had rows about it and he says it's just how he deals with a bad day and he can't help it but am I unreasonable in thinking that when you are part of a family with children you don't get the luxury of just going into yourself for 24 hours (especially if it's a couple of times a week which has been the case this week).

I've honestly started thinking about leaving if things don't improve.... is that crazy? I just feel like I'm being made to feel uncomfortable living in my own home and I don't want our daughter growing up in a toxic environment where neither of us are v happy.

He has a responsibility to his family to actually do something about his moods.

Either he needs to give himself a good talking-to and buck his ideas up, or he has to speak to his GP about how he feels, as he may be suffering from depression and in need of some counselling to help him through.

If he refuses to consider either of these things, then you will need to explain that you are not going to put up with his moods any more, and unless he does something about it one way or another, you will leave.

If it was a rare occurrence then fair enough we all get our down times but a couple of times a week then he's got some problem, he needs to see a Doctor or there's something on his mind that he doesn't want to talk about

His behaviour is unacceptable. I wouldn't live like this.

I’d be wanting to speak to him about this and telling him the impact of his behaviour upon you and dc.

He needs to address whatever it is that’s making him unhappy or depressed. Does he feel he’s the main breadwinner so has to stay in a stressful job he hates? Is he no longer in love with you? Is he having physical symptoms like ED or whatever that’s freaking him out? All of these things can be sorted.

He can’t just have the luxury of huffing off when we it suits him. No man is an island.

Seek professional help ASAP if he says he’s thought about suicide.

Initially I’d suggest he goes to his GP. I’d tell him that you don’t want to be around anyone who doesn’t look after their health and start getting my ducks in a row.

Thanks for all the replies I'm glad it's not just me being sensitive. When he acts like it's no big deal it makes me feel like I'm crazy.

For reference we both work full time so it's definitely not an issue with him being the breadwinner we earn the same money.
We haven't had sex in months and I do think it might be a mental health issue, he's drinking more than usual too. He's had a difficult childhood.
I hope it can be fixed because I love him but if it can't I'd prefer to get out now before our little one gets older.

Cynical of me but... Cherchez la femme.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation the thought did cross my mind. But he never goes anywhere so I doubt it.

If he's in chronic pain then that's a total bummer. But he needs to take steps to deal with it.

I think the thing that would swing it for me is the 'it's just how I deal with a bad day', because it's not just him dealing with it, is it? You're right, as soon as it starts having a knock on effect on your family you need to sack up and find a better way to deal with stuff.

What @bamboocat said, he can choose to do nothing about it and carry on the way he is, but that doesn't mean you have to. He can either sort himself out, seek professional help or you leave.

Could he be suffering from depression? You say you think it could be a mental health issue and him drinking more suggests ‘self medicating’. This behaviour definitely fits. Don’t write him off yet. Try to get him to talk about how he is feeling. Tell him you’re wondering if he is feeling down. If he is, try to get him to the GP. The right treatment may transform him back into the man you married within 4 to 6 weeks!

That's not dealing with a bad day - that's allowing his bad day to make everybody else's day miserable.

[quote Swansee]@EvenMoreFuriousVexation the thought did cross my mind. But he never goes anywhere so I doubt it.[/quote]
Does he WFH? If he goes out to work then he's got plenty of opportunity I'm afraid.

But whatever is happening, it's not acceptable for him to just pass on his bad mood to you and your child. If he won't see the gp and/or relationship counselling then I don't think you'd be unreasonable to consider leaving.

We all react differently to situations, if someone swears at you in the supermarket for crashing in to you. Some will get over it in 5 minutes, others will think about it all day long. I guess your husband has always been quiet but I guess as he gets older he's sort of getting stuck in his ways.

We all need time to ourselves but he's become complacent and forgotten that there is two of you to think about. He obviously gets defensive about it when you ask. Is it possible that because he's introverted may be because he isn't fullfilling his side of interactions you are may be asking him more which in tern means he shys away more?

Perhaps backing of a bit and finding more things do by yourself might make him realise how much he needs and enjoys being with you. Ultimately he needs to either get help or realise he is causing this issue. You only get one life so I can see why you would consider the leaving option.

I wish you luck

I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written. Especially that when you have a family you don’t get to just switch off when you’re feeling low or in a bad mood. I’ve recently encountered the same issue tbh, OH has become very moody, rude, distant and just downright unlikeable. I’ve no idea where it’s come from and what’s behind it and I’ve asked but didn’t get an answer. So do I just put up with it? See I don’t think so because I wouldn’t get away with it if the shoe was on the other foot. I intend to give it a few days before I sit down with him and really hash it out because it’s not on.

Thanks everyone.
He does work outside the home shift work so it's a possibility I suppose but there's nothing to obviously indicate an affair.
@Ricktheboat87 you make valid points. He is introverted and he would say that lock down was his ideal situation so he is not really enjoying the fact that things are reopening. He has been distant with his friends recently too He often cancels plans to meet them. He is a great husband in a lot of ways he still does a lot around the house cooks etc and the days that he is normal he is so loving and kind but on days like to today we will sit in silence eating dinner. Its depressing.

Sounds like depression or anxiety. I know when my anxiety has been bad I can't focus on anyone or anything but I got help because I didn't want to be like that around my family.

@MooBoom it's so hard to feel so awkward in your own home I hate it x

You say he's "drinking more" do his low moods co-incide with hangover days? Or is he drinking on low mood days and happy when he's not drinking?

For both of your benefits you could start making a diary noting his food intake (not precise, but to determine if things like junk food alter his mood). Also exercise, interest in sex and alcohol intake.

Be very matter of fact about it. "Your bad moods are becoming more frequent and are ruining our marriage and your parenting efforts, so let's try to work together to see what's causing them." Then hopefully in a couple of weeks that might throw up some obvious solutions (I.e. he needs to cut out the booze, do more exercise, eat healthier foods etc).

If he has black and white evidence of his moods, including how they made you & your DD feel (eg DH was low today, I felt lonely, rejected and our DD was scared to ask him to play with her) hopefully he'll be willing to change.

If not, then the obvious next step is to leave as no one should live the way you're living now. Home should be your solace from the world, not a place you dread being in.

You should note the good days too i.e. "DH was chatty today and we were laughing about XYZ, it reminded me how much we have in common and why I love him."

Thank you @Morechocolatethanbarbara sometimes his low mood does coincide with hangover but today its not that.
In fairness he has promised me he will drink less, after I raised the issue with him last wee. He doesn't get very drunk but could easily drink a bottle of wine every night of the week.
Maybe its the fact that he hasn't drank In a few days. I don't have the energy to deal with it today but I am going to try figure out any triggers and raise it with him then. Thank you again.

Last week not last wee haha

'He goes into himself' a couple of days a week and doesn't talk all day. 'He's a great dad'. How? How is he a great dad, while not talking to his wife or DCs for a whole day(s)?