Am I right to be upset?

[Sheenacollada]

I have a friend that I have known for many years, we've been close for many years. This friend moved from down here (South of England) to Scotland for a new job. I went up to visit about 6/7 months ago and hit it off with this guy who works for the same company as her. We got on and did get intimate on one occasion. After I came home we continued to text for a few weeks before it fizzled out. I was still keen but I wasn't getting very many responses from him and he eventually ended up calling whatever it was off. 7 months later, my friend has now told me that they are now dating, had been just friends for quite a while but in the last month or so have realised that they have feelings for each other after spending a lot of time together.
I don't know how to feel about this? I feel upset with her and am questioning our friendship? Should I be upset over a brief fling?

It's a bit annoying but I don't think either your mate or the guy have done anything wrong, tbf.

What is it you're upset about exactly?

Realistically, you and him were never a thing, you had a one night fling months ago with someone who lives hundreds of miles away, it would never have developed further.

Have you spoken to her recently about having feelings for this guy? Is that why you're questioning your friendship?

I really don't think either of them have done anything wrong.

Ah this is tricky. No doubt people will come here and say that they've done nothing wrong, they're free agents, you don't own anyone and they don't need permission... and they're right.

But to me this would bother me. Not the dating, but the lack of a heads up/discussion from your friend about how you feel about it. It IS a bit of a weird situation to end up dating your friend's ex date/FWB/partner and I feel like a good friend would discuss it with you. Not necessarily to ask permission, just out of... respect maybe?

I can't imagine dating someone my friend had dated/slept with without at least messaging to say 'hey, so I know this might be a bit weird but I've been talking to so and so a lot lately and we're getting pretty close... I think we might end up dating or seeing where things go but I know you and him have history so don't want to make things weird! Thought I'd see what you think, I really care about you as a friend'. Even if you reacted badly I wouldn't expect her not to go ahead with it but it seems remiss not to talk to you about it beforehand in a way that seeks to find out how you feel about it. It's just a social nicety between friends that goes a long way.

Ultimately she's chosen to do what she wants to do, she isn't wrong for it, I wouldn't let it get in the way of your friendship unless you want it to, but you're not wrong to be upset or feel weird about it.

I feel for you as I'd be really upset too. However I don't think either of them have done anything wrong (unless your friend knew you were still interested in this guy)!

You can be upset if you want to, but they haven't done anything wrong. You didn't even have a real relationship with this man.

I get why you would be a bit upset about it but like PPs have said, it was never going to go anywhere and you were never in a relationship. If they are really into each other, know each other better and want to give it a go why would you stand in their way?

They haven't done anything wrong, but I'd be weirded out by it.
In my opinion, people your sister or your friends have been with are just out of bounds.

I feel upset because my friend knew that I really liked this guy (i'd mentioned it quite a few times). When she told me about them dating she said that the reason that she didn't just phone or text me to tell me was because she wanted to do it person.

I think if you had deep feelings for him and your friend knew that you would be right to feel a bit upset, although it's up to your friend who she dates entirely. However this is someone you just had sex with and then it fizzled out and that's life. She works with him and has built something more solid than that over time that what the two of you had and I know it's a bit of a weird one but ultimately I feel like a moment of feeling like you've had your nose put out is fair enough, just don't set up home there.

I would feel upset about this too OP. Although they haven’t done anything wrong as they were both single, it’s always hard when a friend gets together with someone you liked/had a thing with. You have my sympathies.

I don't think anyone is in the wrong. Of course you feel upset, and sadly that is just what has happened. Your friend hasn't done anything wrong, she works closely with someone, they became friends and realised they had feelings for one another. She has told you the situation too, so not like you found out on social media or through someone else. You had a very brief fling with this man so really I think you need to be sad for a short time and move on.

Was she interested in him before you met him?

@HollowTalk

Was she interested in him before you met him?

She knew of him but didn't really know him at all. She hadn't been there long so no she didn't have any interest in him, nor did she whilst we were texting.

I had this years ago (except we hadn’t got that intimate) rightly or wrongly, it definitely changed the friendship

You’re not wrong to be upset but only you can say whether it’s worth ending the friendship over.

Bloody hell.
Sounds like you both value male attention more highly than your friendship, so why not just park it there?

You travelled up to Scotland to visit your pal, but spent time flirting with a new man & getting laid instead.

She later shagged the same man.
Yuck, yuck, & yuck.

Do each other a favour, & fade this "friendship" out. Neither of you are properly there for each other, so what's the point of it?

Naturally it’ll burn but she hasn’t done anything wrong. Win some, lose some.

thanks for all your replies. I appreciate there wasn't really a chance of it going anywhere due to the distance involved but it still stings. I don't think we will be able to have the same friendship going forward. I couldn't imagine being at events where they were both there and pretending like nothing had happened.

Really?? From a one night fling and texts fizzling out in a few weeks? Friendship can't have been that strong in the first place. you're acting like you were in a relationship with him, you barely knew him.

You slept together once and messaged for a few weeks, is that right?

That’s really not a relationship by any stretch so imo she’s/they’ve done nothing wrong.

But I understand that you might feel a bit of a sting.

It's not about "right" you can't help how you feel. Ultimately you really liked the idea of him. You didn't really know him.
I wouldn't go for someone my friend has been with bec I just don't look at the guys they have been with that way. Plus we have such different taste I guys anyway.
At the end of the day they are far away and you don't have to have much to do with them.
When you speak to her or see her be nice and breezy but keep her at arms length. Chances are they won't work out anyway.

You should be happy for them. Or if you really can't come to terms with it, try to think of it as your friend being his second choice to you.

I understand that it's a bit weird but really all you had was a brief fumble and some texts.
If she ended things with him, it wouldn't mean he'd suddenly want you.
It wasn't meant to be. It wasn't a relationship. Yes it's weird your friend is now with a bloke you once slept with but if she can deal with that you should try and do the same.

I would feel a bit awkward about it, particularly if I were to see them both together. But it was just a one night stand, it would be excessive to question the friendship over it or make anything of it.