Is it me?

[upanddownandroundwego]

Hello lovely mumsnetters.I hope you may have a bit of advice for me.
I have been in a relationship for the last three and a half years.I met my boyfriend after a few failed (two marriages) and one long term live together relationship.
I wasn't looking for another relationship when i met him,as i was still trying to get my life together after my last partner had cheated on me,and left me in a financially unstable position(he had been living in my home) However,when i first met my now boyfriend,we just seemed to get on so well,and have a lot of shared interests etc.He has helped me get my life back on track,and has been very helpful.Over time,we have talked about our long term future,and led me to believe we wanted the same things,live together ,marriage etc.However these past few months,he has been changing his mind,saying he felt trapped,doesn't know how he feels etc.He said he still loves me,and wants to carry on as we are(living separately) until he retires.
I have health issues that he's been aware of since we met,and am in a lot of pain,which i think he gets fed up when it flares up and i complain about being in pain.I have told him that my condition will probably worsen over time,which will limit what i will be able to do.(i used to be very active before this condition,and he is very active) I have told him that if it is too much for him,then i understand,and we can go separate ways,as there may come a time when i need support on a regular basis.He said we will cross that bridge if we come to it,and in the meantime,he wants to continue living separatly and carry on seeing each other.Promising he would look after me in the future,but not saying we would live together or be married.(He has promised me things before,then changed his mind) I struggle day to day,and he comes and stays weekends,then goes back to his life during the week
I feel he wants the best of both worlds,and doesn't want to commit too much in case i become a burden on him in the future.It is causing friction between us.I am seriously thinking of finishing the relationship.I cannot afford to just wait around for him to retire and make up his mind,whilst my health deteriorates.Any advice.Apologies for length of message.I just feel so miserable.

So sorry about your health issues OP. To be very honest it does sound like maybe he's worried about becoming a carer for you in later life which (and I hope this doesn't sound harsh or insensitive) but I kind of understand.

What do you mean by ".I cannot afford to just wait around for him to retire and make up his mind,whilst my health deteriorates"

You've given him an out but he won't even commit to that, it sounds like he wants the weekends with you but that's as far as it'll go. I agree with you that he's enjoying the best of both worlds.

I understand his point, if he's worried about becoming your carer, but if he would just be honest about what he's thinking rather than saying what he thinks you want to hear or what he thinks he can get away with then changing his mind. He's already shown you that his promises are worthless.

I would think in your position you need more stability. Even if that's just not having him in your life, at least then you'll not be wondering/doubting/hoping/wanting. You have enough to deal with without feeling so unsettled and miserable

Thank you for your replies.
AryaStarkwoolf.What i mean is,i am getting older,and i have to make a decision whether i try and stay in my home on my own(which would probably be difficult if i got worse) or move,if he isn't on board.
Orgasmagorical.I do feel he is edgeing his bets somewhat,maybe now just feels sorry for me.I know he was hoping at the outset that i would fully recover and be able to do the things that we both like,which i guess was one of the reasons we got on so well.Just wish he would be honest with me.My self confidence and self worth have dropped through the floor.

@upanddownandroundwego

Thank you for your replies. AryaStarkwoolf.What i mean is,i am getting older,and i have to make a decision whether i try and stay in my home on my own(which would probably be difficult if i got worse) or move,if he isn't on board. Orgasmagorical.I do feel he is edgeing his bets somewhat,maybe now just feels sorry for me.I know he was hoping at the outset that i would fully recover and be able to do the things that we both like,which i guess was one of the reasons we got on so well.Just wish he would be honest with me.My self confidence and self worth have dropped through the floor.

Ah ok, I think you should probably move then for your own peace of mind. Look after yourself, it doesn't sound like you could rely on this man

He 1000% is not able to become a Carer.

And you know what? It's not for everyone. I was a carer for 7 years and it did take a toll. And I was in my 30s, he would be in his 60s. Let me tell you, becoming a Carer in your 60s is not something most people would actually choose.

I think you need to read the writing on the wall and make plans to move to a more accessible home.

I’m going to sound harsh here and it’s because I need to take my own advice and I’m sort of talking to myself as well. Stop waiting on him.

You sound very unhappy and it does sound like he is messing you about - you’ve been together 3 and a half years and he’s not made any decision about the future? Just no. All of us have our crosses to bear and you have been upfront with him. Please don’t wait on him. Decide if you can live like this for 3 more years, think about what makes you happy.

I would move home now. I mean he could turn around next week and say he's moving in, only for him to become ill or injured and then you'd both have to move anyway!

Also the last thing you want is him resentfully and badly caring for you. That's going to make you feel shit and a burden.

For me personally I wouldn't become anyone's carer, and I would never want anyone I knew to be my carer.

Don’t rely on him for your future health care needs.

Make choices that suit you and your health condition in the future.

No reason why you can’t still date him if you want to. Unless you prefer to bin him and look for a replacement, vetting each applicant for the job of boyfriend and bin any who say they aren’t up for caring for you later in life. Until you find one who is. Who could then dump you last minute, by which time your health isn’t good enough to be moving house etc.

At least this ones honest. He’s not a carer and doesn’t want to be. Fair enough.

Just wish he would be honest with me.My self confidence and self worth have dropped through the floor.

What would you like? Don't wait for him to make a decision because it doesn't sound like it's going to happen. IME some many men are quite happy to plod along with 'good enough' until something better comes along. Don't be that good enough for the next however many years. Make good use of what ability you have for as long as you can and do things that you would like to do, don't wait all week for the weekends