Help me form my turnaround plan

[ChangeAndHelp]

I have not only found myself in the stupid situation of being a dependent spouse – but a dependent spouse in my OH country.
I am now 42 and I really want to turn things around. I have moments when I think it’s not too late – if I could just formulate a clear plan and try and follow it.
But then I am overcome with doubt and guilt. I have a part time job. I do not see how I could manage all the legalities of separating – let alone managing this financially. I have no property, no pension and have been working part time since my first was born about 8 years ago.
I don’t even have enough money to move my stuff back to UK.
I really want to go back and be closer to family, especially my mum, who I want to spend time with more. I don’t particularly dislike where we live and it is good for the children, but I don’t want to regret not doing this now.
I don’t think the relationship can be salvaged. When I think about being alone I feel calmer but I am so scared of making a mistake when time is running out. I don’t want my children to grow up poor.
My OH has been careless with money and it had been one of the coffin nails in our marriage. We live in a rented house thats way too big – I can offer my children nothing.
Has someone been through similar situation?
Its easy to say that if I decide what I want it can happen, but I am so crippled with fear I do not know what to do and what to focus on first.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Your children would rather come from a so called broken home than remain in one. What are they learning about relationships from the two of you here?.

Where exactly are you now (are you in Europe, the Middle East, the Far East?. What are women's legal rights like in this country where you are living?. That certainly needs to be established.

Will you be allowed bring the dc back to the UK? Will your dh agree to that? Everything else is manageable. Don't beat yourself up over decisions you made in the past..they were OK for then. Now is a new day..you can begin to take steps.

Thanks for the support. It’s sometimes hard to drum up the belief yourself.

I think the kids will present an issue. I begun to consider that maybe they are better off without me - or I just leave and set up in the UK first before “fighting” for them.

I feel so disconnected from reality in my head. It would be heartbreaking to break a family up, yet in my head it sounds different.

I am in Europe so (so far) my rights aren’t affected as a woman.

I just don’t know where to start.

Did your kids grow up in the other country? I don't think it would be fair on them to tear them away from their home, their school (which is likely a lot better than the UK system depending on where you are based + down the line free university), their grandparents and family there and worst of all their dad. Let alone how cruel that would be to their father.

Can you imagine a dad posting here that they want to break up with their English wife (fair enough) who they live with in the UK and move their kids back to Poland away from their mum so he can be closer to his mother.

I can imagine it must be so, so hard to be in your position so no judgement that you are feeling this way, but I don't think you can do that to your kids.

I wouldn't leave your children there in the hope that they will later return here. I would never take that gamble and I think leaving them would cause irreparable harm.

How old are your children? Do you think your marriage is completely dead? Is there any way you could work full time and use childcare?

We’ve only been here for 4 years, so the oldest remembers UK.

Both kids were born in the UK

Ok, sorry also wanted to give some actual practical suggestions.

Sounds like the first step if you are emotionally able to stay there would be to get a full-time job. Get legal advice re separation and your entitlement to any benefits in the country you are living. With a bit more financial independence and once you've separated headspace from your relationship things will feel a lot less difficult. Once you are separated and have sorted custody arrangements you will likely regularly have free weekends where your children stay with their dad allowing you to go back to the UK and your family more frequently.

Do you think that could help?

Thanks @FrostedFlakesAreMyJam

That’s one of the things I’ve considered. Im not fluent enough so I would need to find an English speaking job.

This is a bit of drip feed, but writing it down all is difficult - it doesn’t get better

Covid may actually be your friend here. So much home based work! You could even consider applying for UK jobs to do from home - would also give you a good 'excuse' to come here regularly. What do you do?

But I think I would add actually properly learning the language to the top of my suggestion list. Will allow you more autonomy, fit in better, have more friends and feel more settled.

I’m a project manager now but previously worked in market research.

As you can imagine my confidence has taken a beating esp work wise.

I have seen the job market in the uk, it gave me some hope.

Well that sounds like it lends itself extremely well to working from home. I think once you are out of your relationship, are financially independent, speak the language (a bit more), everything will be so much more manageable.

Maybe make yourself an action plan of what you want/need to do first and start taking steps (however tiny) today. You'll still have the option of packing up and leaving at every point but incidentally that too will get simpler with every step you take to sort things out over there. And in the meantime your kids don't get uprooted/lose their mum or dad.