My family was dysfunctional, dad was a bully and would skip work so we had little money. Never had anything, no holidays, treats, nothing. Grew up thinking I was bad at the core because of the family I came from. Mum was weak and wouldn’t stand up to him. Left school and went to college for secretarial qualifications. I enjoyed it and had one friend but there were ‘mean girls’ there. Was obsessed with having a boyfriend and someone to like me because at school I was told I was ugly as I had Crystal Tipps hair. Got a boyfriend and got engaged, but I was bored and eventually split up at 19. First job at 17 office junior, shouted at and yelled at by the boss and bullied by the office junior. Left, got a job locally, couldn’t read back shorthand so they sacked me but not before the boss had made inappropriate comments. They waited until I was on holiday and then sent me a letter. Found another job, got on well there but got bored and left, and had fancied a married man there which embarrassed him. Left the next job before they could sack me as I couldn’t understand how to use the computer. Too afraid to ask for help as they’d think I was stupid. Also lots of bitchy girls there.
Next job I was good at but focused a lot on being fancied. Some catty girls there too. Went out with a lot of the guys who worked there – not sexual, but did sleep with one who played me around though. Met someone else, he messed me around and didn’t call me after I slept with him. I got in touch with him on Facebook last year and he stood me up. Left this job after three years and found another locally, was sacked because of ’immaturity’ but they were weird, the female boss told me all about her married lover and that he would get out through the patio window if anyone came round. Met the man I married then. Married him in months and lived to regret it – abuser and gaslighter. Temped, got a job in a bank, unhappy in marriage so I looked to men at work to brighten things up or help me escape. Nothing came of it. Left after 9 years, joined a university project, terrible old professor who mucked it up and lost all the funding so I ended up temping so I could keep my house.
Divorced abusive husband. Had flirtations with men but nothing came of anything. Most of them inappropriate and trying to big myself up by getting attention, actually. It would make me feel valuable. Then like crap when it ended. Then started relationship with family friend, got engaged but it ended when I went to see a male friend in Australia and he wouldn’t accept it wasn’t romantic. Got another job, couldn’t cope with the equipment, was sacked. Same thing happened with next job. Temped for a while, then got a decent job but left after 7 years when I was redeployed and hated the department. I was kept on salary protection and they were resentful. So I left. Next job, department went bust so I left, then retrained and had two jobs that lasted 13 years between them, lots of backstabbing and mean people. Did a good job at both of them though, and had some good results but got involved with someone I should not have. I spent thousands on psychics about this relationship.
Next job in large organisation, queen bee boss, horrible. Could not stand it and couldn’t ask for help for looking stupid. They ganged up on me. Moved departments and it is brilliant. I work hard and am valued and liked. So things have worked out in the end. But it took years and years. And no relationship. But so what?
Have always been terrified of being sacked and being dumped. It’s coloured my life. Have been sacked five times. Crap relationships. The only way is up, isn’t it?