When a husband or wife “just leaves” one day

toobusytothink · 2021-08-31T09:47:34+00:00

So you hear about husbands/wives just one day packing up their bags and leaving. What happens? Is the remaining spouse then left paying the bills etc? I know legally they both remain liable but in reality what happens? Thanks

Ellarain · 31/08/2021 11:02

Happened to my friend. They had no children (his choice). He just up and left. My friend was left with the full mortgage as she wanted to keep the house, she was 35 so was hardly going to run home to Mammy and Daddy. The house was in negative equity at the time too. It was very stressful for her but she was determined to keep the house. Her husband wanted it sold even though it was in negative equity. He had inherited a house from his parents so didn't really care. He has no intentions of repaying any of the outstanding debt as in his words"i won't need to apply for another mortgage so don't care about my credit."My friend worked her ass of and managed to come to a deal with the bank that allowed her to keep the house and take over the full mortgage. Similar scenario with my other friend, her's was worse though as they had two children, up and left her for another woman that he was having an affair with for 7 years. Never once helped pay towards mortgage when he left and gave the bare minimum in maintenance. It took four years for my friend to finally take over the mortgage. Every month she risked losing the roof over her children's head. It happens more regularly than people think. Both friends were married but it didn't seem to make a difference.

workshy44 · 31/08/2021 11:05

Happened to a friend of mine. No children, married 20 odd years. Came down one morning and said I am going and going now. Shocked doesn't cover it. Same with another friend, again no kids, although they remained friends and he has continued to pay the mortgage years and years later. In both cases suspicion was that they were gay but no other men ever materialized

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/08/2021 11:08

Happened to a friend of mine. When their DC was 1yr old, his wife suddenly decided she didn’t want to be a mother and she packed a bag, walked out and never returned. Cut all contact with him after the divorce. He was then a single father. She has never contacted her daughter who is now 17yrs old.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/08/2021 11:23

Happened to me. One Friday morning, getting 2 year old DS ready for playgroup. He walked into the kitchen and said "I'm leaving you" and off he went. I was left with no income, all the bills and the mortgage. Ended up on benefits overnight. Divorce was high conflict, I had to represent myself for multiple hearings. His financial abuse was so bad that he ended up with nothing. I kept the house. I've never really recovered, it was 8 years ago now. Ex has disappeared to the other end of the country with OW and chose to abandon DS. It's been horrific. I ended up with breast cancer last year and I'm convinced that the long term severe stress and trauma I had contributed to it. I have chosen to remain single, will never risk going through something like that again.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/08/2021 13:55

Oh wow @TheFormidableMrsC that’s awful! Well at least he didn’t get a share of the house as a result! Hope you’re ok now

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toobusytothink · 31/08/2021 13:57

Amazing that I’m other cases the women managed to keep the house though! Did the other party not have equity in the house?

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litterbird · 31/08/2021 14:02

Happened to a friend of mine. Married 10 years, no kids. She came home from work to a letter on the table saying he was leaving her. No explanation. HIs clothes and belongings gone. She was left with the rent of the house to pay for fully. She left the house as she was so distraught she couldn't be there anymore. Rented a room at my friends house, stayed for 4 years, met someone else and now they have a house together. It was truly an awful experience for her. She was immobilised through grief for over 6 months. She has never heard from her husband again and the divorce was done through solicitors quickly.

Rodeodown · 31/08/2021 14:16

My partner of 12 years left out the blue earlier this year, a week after we had moved house (his choice of house, in a much more expensive area). Luckily we rent and no mortgage to contend with but that was it. He pays bare minimum maintenance and I've gone from a comfortable two income lifestyle to scraping by every month to keep a roof over my son's head. He's moved into ow's council flat and abandoned all our debts which were mostly in my name. Just like that, washed his hands of it all.

Flakjacketon · 31/08/2021 14:18

Happened to my DD. No children but he had a child from a previous relationship that my DD was very attached to. She came home from work to find him packing his stuff into his car (he had planned to be gone before she got home but she arrived home early). He disappeared and she never saw him or his DC again. Left her with a mountain of debt, £30k +. She later discovered that there was another woman who he married as soon as divorce came through.

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toobusytothink · 31/08/2021 14:37

I bet there is usually another woman and somewhere for them to go …

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toobusytothink · 31/08/2021 14:40

I was asking as my friend separated from her ex but due to lockdown etc they have stayed living together. Now things have lifted he is telling her he’s moving out but means he won’t be able to contribute to bills or mortgage repayments … Obviously she knows she will have to sell the house (there really is no option) but that could take months and in the meantime she has to foot the bill which has just doubled in size. Do you think this will mean he will get less of the equity in the house as a result?

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BikeRunSki · 31/08/2021 14:47

@PlanDeRaccordement

Happened to a friend of mine. When their DC was 1yr old, his wife suddenly decided she didn’t want to be a mother and she packed a bag, walked out and never returned. Cut all contact with him after the divorce. He was then a single father. She has never contacted her daughter who is now 17yrs old.

Similar happened to a guy I worked with. That child (a boy) would now be 22 ish. It took him several weeks to make contact with her at all, then, as pp, she had no interest in her exDJ or child after they divorced.

Getbehindme · 31/08/2021 14:51

What a bunch of arseholes. I wonder what their family think of them? I wonder what goes through their head at night? I have literally no idea how anyone could start to even justify that to themselves.

@toobusytothink do they have kids?

It might be 50/50 to be honest, as I understand it, that's the starting point. Can she have it valued now, at the point that he's stopped paying? Then he's due the equity at that point. If it goes up in value during the time that she is the only one paying, then that's hers?

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toobusytothink · 31/08/2021 14:53

Yes they do have kids. Ah ok - good idea. Think she’s going to have to put it on the market very soon but she literally can’t afford the bills …

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TheFormidableMrsC · 31/08/2021 15:42

@toobusytothink

I was asking as my friend separated from her ex but due to lockdown etc they have stayed living together. Now things have lifted he is telling her he’s moving out but means he won’t be able to contribute to bills or mortgage repayments … Obviously she knows she will have to sell the house (there really is no option) but that could take months and in the meantime she has to foot the bill which has just doubled in size. Do you think this will mean he will get less of the equity in the house as a result?

Your friend really must take legal advice. Immediately. She can apply for some Help with the mortgage interest to buy her some time (if her circumstances allow that). Division of assets begins at 50/50 and then that changes depending on children etc. Please please make sure she seeks legal advice ASAP.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/08/2021 15:43

@toobusytothink

Yes they do have kids. Ah ok - good idea. Think she’s going to have to put it on the market very soon but she literally can’t afford the bills …

It's really important that she contacts the mortgage company ASAP. They may agree to her switching to interest only for the time being. She really does need to see a solicitor.

bigbaggyeyes · 31/08/2021 15:50

Happened to my brother, married with 3 kids, the house they lived in came as part of his job, one day she just said she didnt want to be married anymore and she left, leaving her 3 kids behind. My db couldn't find a childminder to work unsociable hours, weekends, until 1am etc so he lost his job and his house. Luckily as he was classed as homeless with 3 small dc he was rehoused by the local authority. That was a good 10 years ago, his dc are great, see their Mum occasionally and he now runs his own business.

Oldbutstillgotit · 31/08/2021 16:01

Happened to a friend . She was finishing packing as she and her DH were going on holiday the next morning. He arrived home and announced he was leaving . Grabbed his stuff and left , all within 30 minutes while my friend stood in shock . There was an OW and she had given him an ultimatum.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 31/08/2021 16:02

Thanks all. Mortgage is already interest only … and current deal comes to an end soon. What if they refuse to give her another deal?

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TheFormidableMrsC · 31/08/2021 16:11

@toobusytothink

Thanks all. Mortgage is already interest only … and current deal comes to an end soon. What if they refuse to give her another deal?

She really needs to speak to the provider. As soon as possible.

user1471538283 · 31/08/2021 17:28

It happened to a friend of mine after 30 years. She came home from work and he had gone. He never spoke to her then or since. They divorced and she sold the house.

Your friend needs legal advice.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/08/2021 18:20

@user1471538283

It happened to a friend of mine after 30 years. She came home from work and he had gone. He never spoke to her then or since. They divorced and she sold the house.

Your friend needs legal advice.

What an utterly cruel, shitty thing to do. What a coward. They make me sick. I really hope she has managed to rebuild and knows that anybody who treats her with such contempt after 30 years is not worth a second of her thoughts.

thenewduchessofhastings · 31/08/2021 18:43

My friend is a single dad;when his son was 3 he,his son and wife when due to go on holiday with his parents and his wife said she wasn't able to go.He came home to find her gone.She decided parenting a kid with additional needs wasn't what she signed up for and left.The mortgage pre dated their relationship and belonged to my friend and his wife (now ex wife) decided not to make a claim on the flat he owned which is probably the only decent thing she did.