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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not in love with my anymore

24 replies

LastStraw123 · 31/08/2021 09:55

16 years together. 3 kids been married a month. Yes a month!
Things have been great for the last year but I guess we thought it was just a blip in a long relationship.
The weekend we had a huge row, and now this morning he has told me he loves me, but isn’t in love with me anymore. He is very angry a lot of the time; I told him he was destroying his family with his constant aggression. That he would end up alone and upset. He told me not to worry, that he wouldn’t be alone or upset.
The argument over the weekend was him squaring up to our 10 yr old daughter after an argument happened with the kids. Which he denies doing but I saw it with my own eyes. I pushed him and told him if he ever did that again I would be leaving.
I’ve sent him a message this morning saying that things have gone too far and although I love him, it’s damaging our children us being together. No response
The comment about not being sad and alone rang a bell. I have noticed his phone pinging at 11pm at night. I wasn’t suspicious before as he never goes anywhere, but should I be now?
Feel in a right mess, at work trying to make sense of it all

OP posts:

Original poster

LastStraw123 · 31/08/2021 10:28

Apologies for the spelling errors. I’m a mess this morning.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2021 10:31

How awful for you. It definitely sounds like there’s someone in the wings. Sorry

Purplealienpuke · 31/08/2021 10:31

@LastStraw123, I'm sorry for what you're going through.
I didn't want to read and run.
In your situation I definitely would not have any adult squaring up to my 10 year old! Worse that he's her father, how awful 😢
For the sake of your children I would separate from him.
If you want save your marriage (and if he does too) then he has to agree to counselling and anger management before he comes back to the family home.
Sending you strength and a hand hold 💐💐

Fl0w3ry · 31/08/2021 10:34

I think the comment about him not being sad and alone is a bit of an alarm ringer too. Is he generally secretive with his phone? Does he say who has messaged him so late in the evening? Has any of his other behaviours changed? Is his anger a new thing or has he always been an angry type?
I'm sorry you are going through such a horrible time

DoubleEx · 31/08/2021 10:37

‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ is line one, page one of The Script.

This is The Script where he rewrites history to make out like your relationship has always been awful in order to justify to himself the fact that he’s shagging someone else.

I would be amazed if he doesn’t have someone else on the side. His behaviour is so classic he might as well be wearing a neon sign on his head that says ‘I’m cheating on you!’

He’s told you he’s not in love with you. That’s all you need to know to act. If he doesn’t love you then he moves out today. What’s the point in him staying?

Pinkbonbon · 31/08/2021 10:37

He is aggressive and even towards your daughter. Everything else is just icing...no, not even, more like sprinkles on the icing on the cake.

He needs to stay gone.

Original poster

LastStraw123 · 31/08/2021 10:43

He can’t be doing anything on the side as he is always home. We don’t go out anywhere due to covid. We have a disabled son so we are being really careful not to make him ill.
He still hasn’t answered my message. My heart is absolutely aching.
He says I never loved him and all I care about is myself. Which is wildly untrue, if anything we all have to pander to him.

OP posts:

DoubleEx · 31/08/2021 10:48

He says I never loved him and all I care about is myself. Which is wildly untrue, if anything we all have to pander to him

Rewriting history. That’s page two.

Aposterhasnoname · 31/08/2021 10:50

‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ is line one, page one of The Script.

This. I’d bet my pension there’s an OW in the background somewhere.

Ninkanink · 31/08/2021 10:51

Your daughter doesn’t deserve that.

So no matter what, it’s best you let him go and don’t take him back.

Ninkanink · 31/08/2021 10:55

But also, this is so shit of him and you must be so upset.

Original poster

LastStraw123 · 31/08/2021 11:21

I’m in bits. Our son has spinal cord surgery coming up in the next year. It’s going to be awful.

I’ve noticed he doesn’t hug me in bed anymore, moves away when I try to kiss him. He says I’m not trying but I am. I find it very confusing. His words don’t match actions. Why has he got it so wrong?

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 31/08/2021 11:28

Sounds like you're the one getting it wrong op. Trying to excuse his shitty behaviour.

I know it's hard but you need to stop swelling on the wrong stuff and foucs the fact that he is threatening to your kid. Who cares if he is shagging half your damn town. Infact, good, because hopefully he will stay the gell away from you until you work up the balls to keep him gone.

PicsInRed · 31/08/2021 11:31

Do you own a home together, pensions?

He probably doesn't realise that his "short" 1 month marriage is a long one for purposes of financial remedy, by reason of 16 years cohabitation plus kids.

Crossing my fingers it wasn't actually you with all the assets and income in your name?

Original poster

LastStraw123 · 31/08/2021 11:34

No they are all in his name. He is the sole earner in this house I had no money as I was full time carer for our disabled son. I have nothing

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 31/08/2021 11:37

Then you need to see a solicitor asap.

You are married now so it's unlikely you would walk away with nothing in a divorce. He will also need to psy you child support. And you'll be able to claim benefits. Start finding out what you are entitled to op. It's time to be practical.

PicsInRed · 31/08/2021 11:42

@LastStraw123

No they are all in his name. He is the sole earner in this house I had no money as I was full time carer for our disabled son. I have nothing

Well that was stupid of him.

Hire a good solicitor.

It really was very, very stupid of him - but extremely fortunate for you.

Onthedunes · 31/08/2021 13:58

@PicsInRed

Yes he will be kicking himself if he is following the script.

BeachDrifting · 31/08/2021 14:14

He’s probably on dating sites if he’s not ever going anywhere. That’s what happened to a friend of mine. She had enough of his behaviour. He never left the house either. Within a week he’d hooked up with someone else! How does that happen unless there’s online chatting? I’d put my money on him having an online dating profile and he’s got some responses so that’s why he feels he can now treat you like crap. Make him sleep somewhere else.

FruityBun · 31/08/2021 15:25

Now you are married (provided you didn’t sign a prenup nuptial agreement) the law has sufficient discretion to treat you as if you have been married for 16 years, with possible entitlement to at least half of your husband’s assets

You must take legal advice urgently if you think he is leaving. Bear in mind you can’t get divorced until one year after the date of your marriage

Original poster

LastStraw123 · 31/08/2021 15:40

He doesn’t do social media at all or dating sites. He wouldn’t need too. Although he has linkedin which I am not on, and that’s a way of speaking to old work colleague. Which we have had problems with in the past.
We have no pre nup and really interesting information. Thank you.
I just got home from work, (I work part time which I started a couple of months ago to get out of the house) he opened the door before I could knock and hasn’t acknowledged me. Just gone into his office like I don’t exist.

OP posts:

bigbaggyeyes · 31/08/2021 15:44

A grown man squaring up to a 10yr old, nothing, absolutely nothing makes this ok. Glad you're starting to stand up for yourself and your dc op. You'll be fine. My marriage lasted less than a year, I found getting married was actually the catalyst me to realising that his behaviour was completely out of order and gave me the kick I needed to leave

Ingridla · 31/08/2021 19:54

I'm sorry this is happening to you, it's awful. Financially I think you're pretty secure which is the first thing for you and your children.

He's clearly been chatting with someone else with the reference to not being alone or lonely or whatever. Classic on line stuff with the phone bleeping. If you're certain he hasn't been on dating sites then maybe an old flame? You deserve better than him, so do your children, I'm thinking of you and am here for you.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 31/08/2021 20:01

Another vote for the script here. Same words used on me and OW in the wings when I ended it three months later. Congrats on your marriage in the oddest of ways. Get a lawyer and prepare yourself for some very bizarre behaviour from him.

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