My Dad is married to an emotional abuser

[eevee123]

My dad is married to a controlling, conniving, emotionally abusive woman (my stepmother). He does so much for her and has to do whatever she says, otherwise she will become upset with him. She’s disrespectful to him and his family, always saying horrible things about them. Even her own child wants nothing to do with her because she’s been so emotionally abusive to them. He’s such a nice man and she just totally manipulates, controls and uses him. My dad is resilient but I don’t want him to spend the rest of his life in an unhappy marriage. He’s in his late sixties and she her late fifties. She doesn’t deserve him. He has to tread on eggshells around her and watch everything he says lest she criticise, ridicule, or use the silent treatment on him. If he tries to push back she will shout and scream at him. He said to me he doesn’t love her and wants to leave, but is afraid of her reaction. He’s tried before and she cried and emotionally blackmailed him into staying. They’ve been together 10 years and married for 5 or 6. They both live in the house she owns and with the money she’d get from my dad from the divorce she’d be fine financially. What steps should he take to leave?

This sounds like my mum and Dad. But instead of my Dad saying he wanted to leave enables her unreasonable behaviour. When she has a drunken tantrum he’ll say it’s because of her job - she’s stressed out. When she drunkenly hit me repeatedly a few years ago on a flimsy premise he took her side completely and told her to leave the house. I think it’s good that at least your dad has admitted to you that he wants to leave - he’s not in denial and it says a lot about your relationship with him - it sounds like a good one. Is there any way he could stay with you just initially until he finds his feet?

Sorry this is an important typo - should read above told ME* to leave the house

Staying with you is a temporary suggestion if I was in his shoes I’d call a legal helpline to try and get free legal advice.

Thanks for your reply. I live far away with my mum (his ex-wife) so not ideal, but he does have a place he can stay. Only thing is it’s near his wife’s house and she knows where it is, and when he tried to break up with her early on in their relationship she would show up at the door of his dad’s house, where he was staying. He might need to get a restraining order. Seeking legal advice sounds like a good starting point.

You’re welcome - at least he has somewhere to stay that’s good - if she shows up I suppose he’ll have to steel himself to stand his ground a easier said than done sometimes I know

Your DDad sounds very downtrodden.

He needs legal advice to see where he stands, you never know she might have to pay him money!

So what was her behaviour like in the years before they were married? Did he not love her when he married her or did that happen after? You sound very vitriolic to her. What does he think she would do if he left her?

Plus how is she conniving and what happened when she turned up at his door when he left?

In some respects as she owns the house its easier to for him leave as he is not leaving his house or the family home as such.

Legal advice, telling her he absolutely doesnt love her and getting a restraining order if she keeps turning up…

He told me he’s never loved her. He called off the wedding once but she just gradually wore him down. I know this is very biased but it’s not just me that thinks this way, his family and other people do too. She’s been this way ever since I’ve known her back when they first met. A part of me is actually sympathetic towards her because it can’t be nice to be the way she is, but my concern for my dad outweighs this.

Conniving in the way that she plays games and manipulates people. She’s always thinking of ways to make others feel guilty or ashamed.

I don’t know the details of what she did when she turned up as I wasn’t there.

I’m not sure what he thinks she would do if he left her but I’m almost certain she would pull out all the stops and wouldn’t make it easy at all.

You dad doesn't sound too nice to be honest either. How does her behaviour manifest, do you have an example of something she has connived or someone she has played games with and manipulated. Are you privy to all these happenings or is it just what your dad has told you?

Have you ever sent your dad any info about emotional abuse? Does he know that what she's doing is a crime?

I would recommend he contact this organisation
mensadviceline.org.uk/

Male abuse victims often have a hard time leaving because they don't like thinking of themselves as "weak" - they often feel shamed into silence, as if their friends and family would think they're pathetic for not just walking away. And in the meantime, the abuser is continuing to wear the victim down and destroy their self worth.