Don't know if I am happy.

[gingercatsparky]

Difficult to know what to say so wanted some help trying to sort out my feelings. My head is so confused. I have been married 11 years and together almost 20. DH and I have always had our ups and downs and have had quite a fiery relationship. We are both argumentative, like the last word, we are stubborn. This has bothered me over the years but I have always thought we re ok, it means we care and we have tried to work things out. But it was been very up and down and not a smooth relationship.

But over the last 18 months something has changed in my head. It started with the COVID lockdowns when I was under a huge amount of pressure, trying to home school, work and study. My DHs life didn't change much, he locked himself away to work and didn't help out, I felt undervalued and unsupported. We are not a team. He was resentful when I took time our of work with the kids, making comments, and it felt like he wanted a 1950s housewife- he insisted he doesn't. Now I am working/studying I need him to step up, and he is trying but he's finding the adjustment hard. In fairness when I talked to DH about this he has really tried to step up and help out more but he thinks I should now be happy. He gets upset with me as I am distant and don't feel like having sex or having much affection.

Fundamentally we don't seem to get on. We are different people- when we met when I was 21 I was lacking in confidence, was shy, had issues. He was popular, happy go lucky, confident. Now it seems we have swooped roles. I like to be busy, go on holidays, embrace life, be adventurous while we can with young dcs. He has his own business and this seems to take all his energy and focus. It is high stress and he says he doesn't have anything left for our family. We don't agree on so many big issues- money, raising the dcs, holidays, the division of the household. He's happy to sit at home and relax, I want to go out. He says my expectations are too high. The business seems to come first and interferes with our lives too much. His employees get the extrovert, fun, social, happy and confident DH, I get the negative, reclusive, and knackered DH.

I don't know if I am happy. I don't know what to do.

So sorry you're feeling this way 💐

It must be really tricky if you don't agree on such big issues.

Have you been open with him about how you're feeling?

I don't know if I am happy

I don't think you'd be posting on here if you were happy.

What would happy look like for you?

The subtext of your posting is saying that it is time for you to leave and meet a new man.
Apologies if I'm off the mark but you need to be honest with yourself.

You'd know if you were happy. You would honestly just feel it.

Wouldn't normally say this, but maybe Relate? There's nothing wrong with being different people. You may just need somebody independent to help lay out the new landscape. Might have wrong vibes, but sounds like worth having a go if you've always been a bit different to each other? Might be best together but apart?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I don't know if I am happy

I don't think you'd be posting on here if you were happy.

What would happy look like for you?

Gosh- funny but I haven't asked myself that question. That's something to think about. I guess being with someone more like minded, someone who puts me first more, occasionally does things he doesn't want to because he knows it makes me happy without a massive argument. Someone who appreciates me and can compromise, who enjoys travel and planning trips and has more energy and get up and go. I see and hear other friends who seem to be more understanding and affectionate with each other, they have a laugh together. They chat with each other in the evening and problems are resolved by a adult discussion not with a massive row and one of us giving in.

But then I do love him, I want to make it work but it's exhausting. Shouldn't it come easier? He says I am always saying how he needs to change, he tells me regularly he doesn't like the sort of person I am. Shouldn't we both be able to be ourselves? I shouldn't be trying to change him and visa Versa. I just find him so selfish.

We have talked about councillors but then I feel like maybe I am just being over dramatic and over thinking. I can get wrapped up in things and stress when actually they just work themselves out.

"he tells me regularly he doesn't like the sort of person I am."

OP... this isn't ok. This is a really really nasty horrible thing to say to anyone, let alone a partner.

Imagine a friend told you a partner had said this to them. What would you say to her? What would you say if your kids came to you and told you this when they're grown up.

Its no wonder you're not happy.

He says it in an argument out of frustration. We both end up saying quite nasty things. He's very defensive and I feel he can't have a adult conversation about things without him beginning to swear and shout. This is part of the problem. He's very tic for tac about things, it's petty. I think we have both become resentful of the other.

We re early 40s and I look at the future and don't want one spent arguing, I am worn down. We always planned to go travelling when the dcs leave home and for him to retire slightly early but he doesn't even like holidays so how will we go travelling? I can see him not retiring as it's always the next step or something else with his business. It's all consuming and I am tired of everything being down to me.

"He has really tried to step up and help out more but he thinks I should now be happy. He gets upset with me as I am distant and don't feel like having sex or having much affection."
There's your problem right there! Whatever your internal justifications - you're making him miserable and blaming it on him. He used to outgoing happy and extroverted? Where did your confidence come from and where did his go?
I would suggest relationship counselling. Maybe you want to hold on to your justification that he isnt enough or that you deserve more, because you want something new?

He says it in an argument out of frustration. We both end up saying quite nasty things.

Honestly sounds like you're making each other miserable.

You're early 40s now. Do you want to spend the next 40 plus years with this man?

@IceLace100

He says it in an argument out of frustration. We both end up saying quite nasty things.

Honestly sounds like you're making each other miserable.

You're early 40s now. Do you want to spend the next 40 plus years with this man?

I don't know. Not like this no. We re aren't miserable I don't think. I just think the connection is lost, that could be temporary. I want us to stop arguing so much and be on the same page.

But I do acknowledge I am probably quite a difficult person. I have had friendship issues into my 20s, not really any more. So I take my side of the blame too.

When he used to moan about the rabbit wheel of life and say he had no life, I was the positive one, saying how much we have, how we have nothing to moan about, how lucky we are to be financially secure, have two dcs, family, friends, health. But now I just don't feel that way anymore. The frustration is he does nothing about it. Moans he has no social life but doesn't bother trying to connect with friends, moans he gets spaced out and run down, but doesn't do any exercise and stays up late. Moans about his health and fitness but continues to eat rubbish and do no exercise. He's so used to everything coming to him on a plate.

I really feel for you and can definitely relate to what you are saying.

Do you think his business makes him feel important..so then he comes home and hasn’t got the same structure? Or he’s lost sight of life? How old are your dc?

Can you begin to form a social life for you and dc. (At a time in the day/week that realistically he could make.) Offer him to come. If he chooses not to, then next time he moans, you can say he has the opportunity but CHOOSES not to.

I think sometimes characters like this (my dh included) can get so wrapped up in themselves and their successes, that they loose sight. When they realise life isn’t stopping for their selfishness, they begin to open their eyes.

I don’t think this is a permanent phase for you. But it needs you to address him differently than you did when you first met. You’re both different people now but that doesn’t mean it can’t work. It just means your interaction should be different.

My dh sounds identical. It’s almost a retraining.

Good luck

@Flossie44

I really feel for you and can definitely relate to what you are saying.

Do you think his business makes him feel important..so then he comes home and hasn’t got the same structure? Or he’s lost sight of life? How old are your dc?

Can you begin to form a social life for you and dc. (At a time in the day/week that realistically he could make.) Offer him to come. If he chooses not to, then next time he moans, you can say he has the opportunity but CHOOSES not to.

I think sometimes characters like this (my dh included) can get so wrapped up in themselves and their successes, that they loose sight. When they realise life isn’t stopping for their selfishness, they begin to open their eyes.

I don’t think this is a permanent phase for you. But it needs you to address him differently than you did when you first met. You’re both different people now but that doesn’t mean it can’t work. It just means your interaction should be different.

My dh sounds identical. It’s almost a retraining.

Good luck

What a lovely post, thanks.

I hope you're right. How did you turn things around?

To be fair DH does do family things at the weekend. Our dcs are 6 and 8 so evening activities out of the house would be tricky. We do do regular film nights. He just never organises anything and it can be a slog to persuade him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

He still works from home so has got into a rut of no social life or time away from each other. I think he has to be all singing, dancing and social at work on the phone and it takes all his mental capacities and stress. He wants to do nothing and switch off the other times.

Is he made to feel special at work? Ego trip?

My husband is on a massive ego trip with his work so therefore comes home and doesn’t get the same buzz from home. And also doesn’t feel he has to involve himself in mundane crap as he’s farrrr too important for such things!

I haven’t turned things round yet to be honest. I say yet as I still live in hope!

That’s an awful lot of negatives, what are the positives that keep you there ?

@GoodnightGrandma

That’s an awful lot of negatives, what are the positives that keep you there ?

Positives- He does love and care for me He is a good dad He is trying, he is stepping up to do more. We do have a joke together sometimes. I do love him. He can be good company.

it can be a slog to persuade him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

It sounds like you are also not keen to do the things he wants to do though. Being the proactive outdoorsy one doesn't make it more right than wanting to relax at home. Can you be satisfied doing your activities without him? If not you might need to try and amicably bring things to a close.