I feel like because of how STBXH has been, gaslighting, blaming, doing little and then making me feel completely unreasonable for expecting the smallest things from him, I have these nasty internal doubts. Things come up, mostly past, and they go round and round in my head, and even though I can see if someone else told me the same tale, I'd 100% think they weren't in the wrong, I still can't feel that way about me. I want to shut it down, I don't want to keep going over and over things trying to find where I could have done better, could have convinced him of my feelings, my hurt, gotten him to see my side. I don't want to keep trying to justify myself to myself.
A lot of it is little things, like pulling into the drive, realising I've pulled up to close to the tree and turning the engine back on to move up further because STBXH will be pissed off if I park there. I've done this 3 times in the 7 years we lived here, the first two before he told me he doesn't like the car under the tree because it gets sap on and makes more work for him cleaning. The 3rd years later, I was completely exhausted, dealing with sick DC, he got pissed off, he even said to me "this is the third time you've done this" and how much work it makes for him.
I feel on edge any time I go to say something to him that I know will annoy him. Like asking him to please use the cleaning cloths beside the dishwasher when cleaning anything gross. The other cloths are for food prep/eating surfaces. He's wrecked two this week. I always try to put it in a way that I won't annoy him, and still being super polite no criticism and still the next day he told me I needed to get him a cleaning cloth so he won't use the wrong one. He knows where they are he's making a point.
Same way he's making a point when we went to feed the ducks and he decided we had to walk back to the sunny bit even though DC were happy where they were. Same way he makes a point saying DC couldn't possibly need hay fever medication because there's no pollen around. Even though this is the 10 year old who can tell me and I asked because my eyes are really itchy. But he isn't feeling the effects so DC10 can't possibly need hay fever medication.
Like he makes a point when we go to the shops, telling me "control your children", there ours not just mine and the DC he was talking about was beside him well away from me, yet it's my responsibility he's pulling things off the shelf. There's big things too, that have made me feel afraid and worthless, but day to day it's all these little things in my head, making me doubt myself and all this cognitive dissonance to deal with. I'm waiting to counseling meanwhile is there any way I can make the thoughts stop?