Does being depressed mean you get to be selfish, constantly

Ilovewolfblass · 2021-08-30T20:34:11+00:00

My DP has had depression for 10years plus, but refuses to take tablets. He did over the phone therapy for 6 x 50mins in summer, to no avail. Thing is, he can be depressed for weeks at a time, we are on week 6 of the current block. Whilst he is depressed he feels he has carte Blanche to just be a selfish cunt. On day 56 I’d had enough and said, calmly, he was making me feel awful. He acknowledged it but said nothing else. I left it for 30mins and said I was underwhelmed by his reaction, and if he’d of said something similar I would have replied I was gutted and tried to comfort him. Still no reply. Left it another 30mins, I said I expected him to show some consideration to me, still nothing. After a very long pause he said, he can’t get anything right and made it might fault so I was comforting him. I just feel he isn’t dealing with his depression. Its like a man with a broken leg refusing to wear a cast but still expecting sympathy. I don’t want sympathy just some consideration. I want a partner, someone who I feel considers me and is my equal (some of the time). That’s what I want. If someone has depression, what is the expectation? Do you just get to be a selfish cunt and blame it on mental health? Is it reasonable for me to expect him to be considerate? If he is off for 6 weeks, should I get 6 weeks of nice pay back? Kinda feel I have at least 3years in the locker.

Rocktheboat87 · 30/08/2021 21:45

I remember a similar question. I would treat being depressed a little like when you've just come of a really really long flight, you're jet lagged and extremely tired. Not to mention confused about the time zone.

Depression is exhausting and means that the usual, energetic happy self is suppressed. Anxiety can be the same. It's like having someone continously follow you and say you are worthless, you can't do that, why would anyone listen to you etc.

The selfishnesh is likely due to self preservation. The nastyness comes from lashing out at those you love because they are closed and no other reason. It varies a lot but you just need to realise it isn't their fault and there is not a lot they can do about it.

Just need to see if you want to deal with this or love them enough to do this for the rest of life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 21:50

Whatever the reason, he’s being fucking awful to you and you do not have to put up with it a day longer. What a way to spend your life OP, honestly.

He won’t help himself but he expects you to put up with being treated like crap and has done for a fucking decade?! What? You spoke to him about how upsetting his behaviour is, he made it your fault and you comforted him?

No. Please prioritise yourself. If he won’t get professional help you’ve got to leave him. Even if he does, you might have to leave him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2021 21:52

I've seen selfish people with depression and unselfish people with depression.

Not seeking treatment but expecting care is sometimes the former.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 30/08/2021 21:52

Depression doesn't give you the right to act like a selfish cunt, no.

You know what makes someone act like a selfish cunt? Being a selfish cunt.

Original poster

Ilovewolfblass · 30/08/2021 21:56

@Rocktheboat87

I remember a similar question. I would treat being depressed a little like when you've just come of a really really long flight, you're jet lagged and extremely tired. Not to mention confused about the time zone.

Depression is exhausting and means that the usual, energetic happy self is suppressed. Anxiety can be the same. It's like having someone continously follow you and say you are worthless, you can't do that, why would anyone listen to you etc.

The selfishnesh is likely due to self preservation. The nastyness comes from lashing out at those you love because they are closed and no other reason. It varies a lot but you just need to realise it isn't their fault and there is not a lot they can do about it.

Just need to see if you want to deal with this or love them enough to do this for the rest of life.

Powerful reply. So is the expectation he gets to do as he wants without consideration for me, because of his mental health? I kinda just want to know the rules, not arguing them.

Is it ok if I am ignored, I don’t indulge him back?
It sounds tit for tat, but after 10years I need some consideration to give it bk.

OP posts:

mawbroon · 30/08/2021 22:02

I have bipolar and I know how awful depression can be.

However, I understand that it's my responsibility to manage it as best I can, understanding warnings signs, triggers etc and seek outside help when it's needed. I would say the same about any mental illness.

Why is he so resistant to meds?

PermanentTemporary · 30/08/2021 22:02

Im not really the right person I guess, because my husband did eventually take his own life. It wasn't the depression that killed him but the psychosis.

Tbh the only thing you can do is decide whether you can go on living like this. I think he should go to his GP and keep going until he gets treatment. No doubt you do too. But we can't decide for him.

If this life and behaviour is unacceptable to you, then yes you get to say it's unacceptable. My life was extremely difficult due to my husband's illness (not as difficult as his) but he was a lovely man and did his very best for us. He would not have behaved this way, or if he had he would have apologised.

Maybe relationship therapy?

Angelina1972 · 30/08/2021 22:03

I think some people do become very self absorbed when they are anxious or depressed and therefore can become self centred yes.

Colourmeclear · 30/08/2021 22:04

No he doesn't get to be selfish. With any MH condition I would expect:

The person seeks appropriate treatment
They find multiple sources of support to their well-being (i.e it doesn't all fall on you)
They consider and repair any damage to the relationship as a result of their condition
They take active steps in managing their condition and maintaining wellness once in recovery or remission

We all reach the above at our own pace, we need self awareness and willingness to feel uncomfortable but number 3 is really the foundation of what gets couples through.

I'm curious how you have been able to count the days? What happened 56 or so days ago?

thelastgoldeneagle · 30/08/2021 22:04

There are no rules, op! Of the relationship isn't working for you, you can end it for any reason you like.

Not many people would put up with a selfish partner for so long, depression or not.

And if he's not doing anything to help himself? He gets no sympathy.

Cameleongirl · 30/08/2021 22:05

@MrsTerryPratchett

I've seen selfish people with depression and unselfish people with depression.

Not seeking treatment but expecting care is sometimes the former.

Terry P. puts it very well. Not seeking treatment but expecting care and limitless understanding sounds selfish to me. I’m diagnosed with anxiety but I do seek medical help for it when I feel it’s getting bad and had to go back on A-D’s earlier this summer as I wasn’t doing well. My DH is lovely, but he does expect me to take action when I’m spiraling, because he can’t wave a wand and make it better.

Plus I personally feel better that I’m taking control of the situation. I think you need to ask him to go to the doctor’s and discuss further treatment.

Albgo · 30/08/2021 22:15

@Rocktheboat87

I remember a similar question. I would treat being depressed a little like when you've just come of a really really long flight, you're jet lagged and extremely tired. Not to mention confused about the time zone.

Depression is exhausting and means that the usual, energetic happy self is suppressed. Anxiety can be the same. It's like having someone continously follow you and say you are worthless, you can't do that, why would anyone listen to you etc.

The selfishnesh is likely due to self preservation. The nastyness comes from lashing out at those you love because they are closed and no other reason. It varies a lot but you just need to realise it isn't their fault and there is not a lot they can do about it.

Just need to see if you want to deal with this or love them enough to do this for the rest of life.

But it is his fault that he's choosing not to take medication that could help him. I have no sympathy for people who are ill but refuse to even try a valid and proven treatment. He's selfish and I feel deeply sorry for you OP.

krankykittykat · 30/08/2021 22:16

Depression is not a valid excuse to be a shit partner or person

sunnyhoneybumblebee · 30/08/2021 22:27

I do think sometimes depression can make people seem selfish. I can always tell when my mum is about to have a depressive episode - she gets very distance, selfish and self absorbed. She becomes consumed by her own misery.

I try to put myself in her shoes. I suffer with anxiety myself and take sertraline so I do have an insight and I do take mental health seriously. I believe that mental illness can often be so much worse than a physical illness. I have empathy and consideration for it but sometimes I think "some" people "sometimes" can use it as an excuse to treat those near to them like shit.

I may not sound very sympathetic but as someone who supports a loved one with mental health issues - it can really take its toll,

take care of yourself xx

Anothermountain · 30/08/2021 22:31

I have experience of a severely depressed person within the family.

The trouble is, lots of people say the person with depression has a responsibility to seek treatment, exercise, get enough sleep, and manage their illness proactively. And of course they do. But in reality this is far too simplistic. It's often difficult to access treatment, other than ADs. And if ADs don't work, or they don't suit you, you need some specialist care to help you find the right meds. MH support in the UK, even for people admitted for treatment, is basically "contain them so they don't hurt themselves and chuck them out again". (That's a slight exaggeration but the entire system is massively under-resourced.). And if the medication isn't right, it's hard to do the other things like diet and exercise.

Anyway, in this case, obviously your DH should try ADs and maybe you could suggest seeking advice from a gp together? I think the selfishness comes because it's so exhausting dealing with anxiety or depression in every day life, that the sufferer doesn't have anything left over for anyone else.

Your DH of course has choices about seeking treatment (or not) and you also op have choices as to how to respond to the effects of his choices.

Good luck.

Original poster

Ilovewolfblass · 31/08/2021 07:01

He says they space him out and make him feel numb. The docs says he just needs to find the right one but he wont

OP posts:

category12 · 31/08/2021 07:08

You don't have to stay in the relationship if you're not happy. You're not obliged to stick it out even if he's unwell.

You can't change him, so it's whether you want to spend the next ten years and beyond living like this.

.

TigersandTeddybears · 31/08/2021 07:20

If he won't take medication then he needs to have an alternative. It's not good enough to just say that he can't take meds and then take his depression out on you forever after. You can leave him even if it is a symptom of his depression. You don't have to stay in a situation in which you are treated badly by somebody, even if it is due to their mental health.

sandgrown · 31/08/2021 07:34

I separated from my partner of twenty years as I could no longer cope with his selfish behaviour. He also became emotionally abusive . I felt like our teenage son and I were his whipping boys. He took ADs and had counselling but refused to do other things to help like getting out and taking exercise. I trained in mindfulness but he refused to try it . I suggested a weighted blanket but he dismissed the idea . I think he “enjoyed” his bad health as he was also basically lazy and didn’t want to engage in work and family life.

Original poster

Ilovewolfblass · 31/08/2021 07:42

He’s said he’ll make a doctors app today and call at 8am. He is currently avoiding eye contact with and walks offs when i talk to him.
… but i am off to work so am getting some respite

OP posts:

Pleasebe2022 · 31/08/2021 08:09

I have just split from husband of 20 years. He has had counselling and takes pills but is inherently selfish and so wrapped up in himself he was no support to me through my own health issues. He was bringing me down. He has had depression for 3 years.
I do think depression is an incredibly selfish illness. I have a chronic physical illness that effects everyone and I'm aware of that and try to limit its impact. With depression my ex husband was just concentrating on himself with no regard to impact on others.

Albgo · 31/08/2021 15:55

@Ilovewolfblass

He says they space him out and make him feel numb. The docs says he just needs to find the right one but he wont

Do you know how many he's tried? It took a long time for me to find an antidepressant that worked for me - and with some the initial side effects were awful and lasted a very long time. But I persisted and struggled through the side effects as I need to be able to function in the world and be a good partner to my husband. I hope for your sake he tries again and does actually speak to a GP.

Blue4YOU · 31/08/2021 16:09

Not everyone with depression acts selfishly but some do. And some use it to manipulate.
I have PTSD and moderately severe depression. I’m currently really struggling to wake up and get up in the morning. I’m taking ADs, see a regular counsellor and am preparing for further EMDR therapy.
I’m a carer for my seriously disabled daughter with no help from family (mine live abroad), limited from my DH as he works unusual hours and no respite (not even an hour in 4 years), no hey from any one basically,
I have no choice but to not be selfish. I’m no longer the life and soul (I can be periodically but I’m too exhausted most of the time).
If that’s what people mean by being selfish, then I guess I am (in my thoughts I’m constantly absorbed by the situation that caused my symptoms) but I do everything for my child (numerous appointments etc), do housework etc though I can’t do it all. I don’t have a lot of “headspace” for everyone else but I do try. I can’t shut out the nonstop conversation in my head unless, usually, I’m hearing good news or in a fun conversation. Anything negative tends to make me turn inwards.
I don’t know OP if that description fits your husband but it’s bloody hard.

Pleasebe2022 · 31/08/2021 16:37

Blue4you your situation sounds very different than mine because you are doing everything for your child. My ex couldnt organise anything, he couldnt even read school emails to know what was happening with the kids and often would forget when I told him about meetings etc. He always remembered his own counsellor appointments though or something he booked for himself. He was totally self absorbed

noscoobydoodle · 31/08/2021 16:42

In what ways is he being selfish?
My husband has severe anxiety and depression and I do think it is in some ways a selfish illness in that when he is bad (it comes in cycles) he can't engage, just wants to sleep or lie in bed and everything becomes about his illness (if I get a cold, his anxiety goes into overdrive that has got covid or cancer etc which spirals into his impending death (complete with real physical symptoms). He sometimes isnt well enough to work, and at his worst he is unable to look after the kids. He has tried all manner of medications- each has its own crappy side effects- one made him so aggressive I almost called the police and one made him like a drugged up zombie. The right medication takes the edge off but isn't a cure. He has had counselling, CBT and NLP- none of it is a magic bullet. There is no rule book. I could leave him tomorrow (or yesterday!) because of his illness and the impact it has on our family. I won't, but thats because I genuinely believe it's the illness that causes the behaviour, and that he is otherwise not a selfish person at all. Wishing you strength in whichever path you choose OP.