Finally left but feel really down

[RainySummer]

7 weeks ago I finally managed to leave controlling and bullying ex-DH after 27 years, and I’m now in my own little place with our 2 teenage DD. It was incredibly difficult to get to this point, and some really horrific things happened in the last few years that I had to deal with and keep going.

After the initial euphoria of relief that I’ve been feeling, there have been a few ups and downs, but today I’ve just been completely overwhelmed with negative thoughts, feeling like I can’t cope with anything and I can’t stop crying and shaking.

Has anyone else been through this? Am I just having a bad day? I think I’m looking for some reassurance that I’m not about to lose my mind, and maybe it’s still early days so my brain is still just processing everything?!

It's totally early days... you've probably been running on adrenaline and now you are coming back to normality. Well done for escaping the situation you were in. Your life is now your own to build.. just take it one day at a time x

It's as though you've escaped a massive car crash and now you are in shock. Please don't make any hasty decisions about going back as you will regret them later.

Look after yourself just as much as you would if you'd had that accident. Also keep an eye on your children as they may suffer as well.

You have done the right thing and deserve huge congratulations.

No advice but I told my husband I want to separate 2 weeks ago and I'm feeling very teary today. I guess we'll have ups and downs for a long time

It’s early days. I’m 5 years down the line and my ex was highly abusive and dragged court out - last hearing was last year but we’ve been to court 9 times in total.

To be honest I still have the odd day day. The children FaceTimed me from the ‘ex’s family holiday house’ they all go away once a year and hire a huge house and it was shit - always arguing and his parents controlled everything from mealtimes to days out and yet watching them as part of this ‘holiday’ I still felt sad like I was missing out.

Hold the line and stay in the boat whilst the waves will comes and go

It's really early days. When I left my husband I had no doubt that it was the right thing to do, he'd done some awful things. But after the initial relief and 'you go girl!' feeling I had when I first chucked him out, I was left feeling really down and flat. I remember saying to a friend that I felt like I was in a game of snakes and ladders and I'd just gone down a massive snake and was having to start all over again trying to climb the ladder. It was overwhelming and depressing and I doubted myself even though I knew I was doing the right thing. I also felt like friends sort of stepped back after a couple of months so there was less support.

What you feel is completely normal, don't panic. I promise you will be ok, just take it one ring of the ladder at a time.

Well done, that was very courageous. You should be proud of yourself.

It is early days. Very early days.

When you are in an ongoing traumatic situation your brain suspends memory processing to focus on survival.

Now that you are starting to feel safe and the trauma has ended, your brain needs to catch up on that processing. Take care of yourself while it's happening, don't try to suppress it, and you will come out the other side better off.

It doesn't feel very nice, but it is an extremely positive sign as it shows your brain has started the natural healing process on its own - that's great. The precise opposite of losing your mind in fact and understanding that will hopefully make it more manageable.

The first thing is to congratulate yourself on what an amazing thing you've done. Not to mention a very difficult one. I have a friend that despite all her family, friends and even her own thoughts tell her she should leave him she will not.

I guess to some degree it's a bit like the after marth. 27 year is a long time and it's bound to take you some time, perhaps months, years to find yourself. What will I do with my weekends? Where do I want to go? What do I want to be. Enjoy the freedom. Don't expect too much of yourself and just bask in the moment.

It will get easier.

Thank you all so, so much for the reassurance.

Mistermagpie that’s it - there’s no doubt in my mind it was the right thing to do and I have no intention of ever going back, so I’m not feeling any regrets.

Legoriakelne that sounds like a very good and rational explanation of how I’m feeling.

Dealing with the DD’s, bills and house stuff was always my responsibility (along with working full time), so none of that has changed and I should be able to cope with all that. And I should be enjoying all the new freedoms of what to wear, watch, listen to, eat and drink - although I need to rediscover the things I like.

I think maybe I’ve opened up a little more to close friends recently, and I’m realising just how awful some of the things I had normalised were and feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Being so sad and overwhelmed today for no particular reason took me by surprise, but you’ve all helped me see that it’s part of the process. I’ve stopped crying now