Obsessive with his hobbies?

[Winecurestiredness]

Hi,
My DH and I have been together for 10 years, two DC, eldest is 9 on the autism spectrum and various other behavioural issues. Youngest is 5 and a highly emotional child but lovely nonetheless. A few years back we had a difficult time with me having a cancer diagnosis and losing DC3 when I was almost full term. I am a SAHP/carer full time for 9 years as after school childcare is just not an option for DS1 due to his behaviour. I am feeling very overwhelmed. DH works full time and has had a great career for over 20 years (however now he says he is bored of it and starting to want to change jobs)

DH seems to fall into this pattern of promising to spend his days off with us, or at least make time for family time. But he is completely consumed with model airplanes and remote control cars, basically his childhood hobbies he used to do with his late father, who he absolutely adored. His dad died a week before DC2 was born. DH will often spend half of his day off working on a car or plane in his shed, so much so he forgets to eat and drink, then he will go out in the car with the plane and take it up to a flying field with some old chaps (again he likes that because they are similar age to his dad)..with the remote control cars he sells them and set up a review channel so he goes out to film test runs etc. Then that's usually the other half of the day done. So he comes home and promises to take DSs and I out somewhere (I can't drive, im dyspraxic) but then he will 'forget' and go into the bedroom working on something else until late at night.

I really don't know if this could be Aspergers, grief, depression or what but he will not get help because he claims he can't fit it in around work and hobbies...

I have tried talking to him, but I was told that his hobbies are like me winding down with my glass of wine in the evenings...its a crutch to help him with the grief and sad feelings. However at he does have a life of sorts. I really don't. My life is DS1 and 2, sitting in a tiny bungalow, spending the little money I have on expensive activities for the kids. DS1 has severe separation anxiety so I can't even leave the house without him. I admit sometimes I envy DH's life even though i know it must not be easy working full time and being the sole earner..he is happy about this and thinks I'm doing the most important job being there for DSs but I just feel so empty

His hobby is his connection to his dad.

Have you told him how unhappy you are feeling? Is there a way to allocate some time or money in the family week to enable you to have a hobby or some respite time?

I think you set up a shared calendar and you both book in equal leisure time out the house where the other is responsible for DC and House etc and agree on and schedule in family time.

If he refuses to engage is it going to ultimately be the demise of your marriage where he then has them EOW and no hobby time whilst he has sole responsibility?

It's called manchildism. Very very common. No cure except a rocket up the arse.

So he adored his own dad, that's great. I'm sure his own sons would love to share his hobbies and have some quality time with him, does he not think they are worth it or is it just him that's special?

So unfair on you OP. Tell him how you feel.

Why can't he try to share his hobby with his kids? That way you get a break too.

I am a big believer in both partners getting time to themselves/time for friends and hobbies. But it has to be equal, otherwise it is just not fair.

He is being incredibly selfish and only he can change that. My friends husband is on the autism spectrum and he manages to spend plenty of time with her and the children (he can also wax lyrical about lots of subjects but we have known each other for a long time)

What I'm saying is that it doesn't matter, he's choosing to be selfish and you are suffering because of it

Thanks all for your insights. Bit of an update as I'm not sure if this is controlling behaviour or not but, DH doesn't appear very pleased for me starting an access course next week. He came in from work today and I got questions like "how are you going to afford to get there?" (It's only 20 minutes down the road) and when I told him if I got desperate I would get a taxi for a tenner 3 times a week he winced a bit and asked me if its worth it if its going to cost me that much. He wants me to pay £100 or £200 a month to him to help pay off the debt he owes to MIL. When we got married he was quite quick to say that 'what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine now that we are married" however we have seperate bank accounts because he doesn't trust me with money due to my mental health issues (and because he is terrified as he is in so much debt) and I buy my own food, kids clothes, top up shop (he buys the kids food and his own in his weekly sainsburys shop, complains it's too much if I add my own food or expects me to pay him) so really I don't think its any of his business what I spend my money on to better myself and my future. But the more I make my own decisions like this the more depressed and withdrawn he becomes...I have been trying to go back to college for 7 years now and each time he doubts my desire to do so, "we need to tighten the purse strings" etc.

And I will be honest. With my MH issues I do have a fear of abandonment. Quite an intense one. Even when I was younger, break ups and friendships ending would result in self harm or suicide attempts. My parents judged but were never supportive. The mental health team put me on long term antidepressants but claimed they cannot help me anymore. Being alone with two children would be very scary for me, especially with a cancer diagnosis in the past I feel very vulnerable.

Where does your money come from? Is it just child benefit, or do you get half of his salary (after bills)?

He is very controlling.

If he's so good with money why is he in so much debt???

He has been blocking college because he wants you trapped at home unable to end the relationship easily.

He has all of his salary. I live off of Carer's allowance, and child benefit. I cant really share his salary as he is struggling with paying the bills as it is. He is on 23,000 before tax but we live in Surrey so everything is high prices!

Not entitled to any Universal Credit? Guess you would be if renting.

He has been spending money on his hobbies but also on private renting over the years. He has said to me spending money on a bike or a plane is like a reward for working so much of his life. And it does make me feel guilty, because I have never worked myself due to having our DS1 at 19 and then having to be DH's free childcare for 9 years. But still somehow when he complains about his job I feel bad. I admit I'm not doing much at the moment but I want to change that. It's sadly not an easy situation as DS1 is autistic with behavioural issues so after school club is not an option for him, if its not me at the school gates picking him up he is in floods of tears. Thankfully though the college course fits around school hours. I will be studying for a fair few years to get to degree level so hopefully by then DS1 will be more independent with the help of a specialist senior school..(he is currently in mainstream!)

Because he earns too much we can't (or even I myself) get universal credit

He isn't spending money on his hobbies he's getting into debt to indulge his wants.

He could look after the DC evenings and weekends allowing you to work.

We lived in Surrey one income around that and we went without to stay out of debt. Our hobby was buying from car boot to sell on EBay!! Everything was 2nd hand.

I think your dh sounds like an ostrich, burying his head in the sand about everything you've listed, parenting, debts, grief. You need to have a serious conversation about how to get to a more equal marriage. Make a budget together. Plan the childcare together. Talk about both of your careers. Do you think you could be a TA or a dinner lady, something in school hours? Will he listen, do you think? What about if you wrote it to him instead, so you can set it all out and he can consider? If he won't listen then you might be better off alone. It sounds like you're doing it all alone anyway.

Your dh may be on the Autistic Spectrum. All those model airplane things etc are very common hobbies and he may be using them to calm down/ relax after work . It's very common too for a child with Autism to have a parent who has never been diagnosed but shows a lot of traits. Could he involve your ds in these hobbies just like his dad..who may also have had Autism. All just speculation, of course but l have experience of working with children on the spectrum and meet their parents a lot.
You going out to a course may trigger his fear of change
But none of this helps you as you deserve to have a life too. Remember he doesn't get to decide what you do while dc are at school. Take advantage of that time to do a course/ get a part time job/ meet friends etc. As your dh adapts to the new you he can then make more changes around the children.
If you left the house early on either Saturday or Sunday he would have to mind the child. Don't ask his permission as he will never agree. Don't let him call all the shots. You decide for yourself. That is perfectly OK.