Relationship trouble

[Samantha2022]

Hi all

Apologies if this is in the wrong place, i'm new. I am a 30 year old woman. I am in a relationship with an older man (40 year old) who has two children (one a teenager and the other a toddler).

We have been together for around two years although we do not live together. We tend to spend around half the week together. Other than that we both have full time jobs. The children mainly live with him.

He has made it clear he doesn't want more children. I do not have any myself although would be open to having kids with the right person (which clearly he doesn't). The issue is, although I really like him and get on well together I am just not sure if the relationship is for me. He has been talking about the future and wants me to move in and so far I have been putting it off. I get on well with the kids but one of them is extremely demanding and takes up a lot of his time (his ex is a bit unreliable and works away a lot).

The other thing is I have a lot going on with family at the moment and have to do caring for my parents who have health issues. As a result they do not know he even exists. The reason I have not told them is because of the age gap and the fact he has young children. I am certain they will not approve of the relationship. This is in part due to an abusive relationship I was in when I was younger by someone of a similar age and circumstances. Is this being really odd and am I being totally unfair? My parents ask me what I do at the weekends and I just tell them I spend it with friends etc. I also suffer with anxiety issues. The though of discussing relationships with my parents embarrasses me.

The trouble is I am not sure we are totally suited. He doesn't want children and I do. Also it seems like what he wants out of life is different to mine. On the other hand I really like being with him, he is a very nice person and I enjoy spending time with him. I would hate to end the relationship which would hurt him and also the idea of not being able to find someone else who I click with. I think the idea of hurting him is what scares me the most as his kids have got used to me being around.

Has anyone got any advice or been in a similar situation? Again apologies if this is in the wrong place.

You have two pheaseble options in my opinion. One, to cut your losses and end things. The other, to take a step back and consider it a 'right now, just for company' relationship and nothing more serious.

Of course, the later would, or should, mean a discussion with him about how you both want different things from life and you dont want to move in with him. And tbh he may decide it's best to call it quits with that information.

It depends what you with want really. Would he be open to a fwb sort of thing? Would you? That way you can still be company to one another.

The last thing you want is to end up being a nanny to a hellish kid though. I think you would be wise to walk away. But there may be some wiggle room if you have an open discussion.

@Samantha2022
You don't want to hurt him but if you stay with him and never have kids your going to end up hating him, you still have time to meet someone and have a family and don't listen when he says I might change my mind down the line he only trying to keep you there and before you know it your time has run out op,

Don't do it unless you are absolutely sure you don't want children of your own but you'd still have to put up with his, you might resent that later on. Whilst it's not the easiest task to find a man to settle down with, this one can't give you everything anyway. If you've got doubts listen to it.

I'm seeing this as,

• He has enough kids
• He wants to be with you for life

• You aren't sure you want the hassle of the more demanding kid
• Your time is taken up by caring for you parents

Therefore you are hesitant to enter a commited relationship. You did say you want kids so who knows if you have a biological kid one of them might be just as demanding so you aren't necessarily better of by starting a fresh with some one else.

It all comes down to do you want to commit yourself for life. Everything else can be managed. Don't worry about the age difference. My partner is 9 years younger and it makes 0 difference now. Obviously at first there were is he ready to commit. What do others think etc

"He doesn't want children and I do. Also it seems like what he wants out of life is different to mine"

Sorry but these are insurmountable issues that would tear apart a couple that are quite sure they want to be together, let alone one you're not sure about.

Also, him wanting you to move in, when he knows you want children and he doesn't, smacks of selfishness to me. Id be concerned I was being lined up to be wife/mum/dogsbody in service of someone else's life rather than my own. You can do better.

Thanks for your replies.

It’s such a hard decision I don’t think my anxiety helps. On one hand he’s one of the nicest people I’ve been out with but on the other hand I just don’t know if I see a long term future. The thought of being in the dating pool again worries me I hated online dating. I suppose I would feel bad about hurting him if we broke up I know he’s really into me. Would your advice be different if the roles were reversed and it was the man without kids and the woman had kids?

Also what’s your opinion on my parents not knowing anything about him two years later. Weird or justified? I’m worried it’s going to kick off when they eventually find out.

Thanks again.

My honest opinion - if you want children of your own, you need to split with him now. You have around 5 years, statistically speaking, before your fertility starts rapidly declining. And you need a good couple of years with a partner before being sure they'll make a good co-parent before you actually start TTC.

Your desire for a child is likely to increase over the next few years, and I think you would likely grow to resent this man and possibly his children too. Better for all of you to split now, before his children get any more attached to you.

Regarding your parents not knowing - I think the implications of that depend on the relationship you have with them. If you have a generally healthy and functional relationship, then your reluctance to tell them about him probably says that you are not envisaging a future with him. However if they are critical, negative and emotionally manipulative then your decision not to tell them is more about them, and not your partner.

You’ve had some great advice on here OP. All I can add is that every women I’ve ever known in your situation ends up being the unpaid nanny to their partners kids. They all say it won’t happen but it always does.

Being a step mother is a pretty thankless task. You have all work of a mother but none of the love or respect. You get none of the move bits of being a parent - they will go to your partner and his ex.

As a Pp said, that’s hard enough when you are madly in love and have the same life goals . And you are not.

You need to end this now, so you can both look for someone who is more compatible .

Every day you further spend with this guy, you are postponing the day you meet your future husband.

When I was 30 there would have been no way I would have moved into a house with a demanding step-to-be child with no possibility of my own children.

Fuck no.

That alone.

Honestly OP, find a relationship your parents can know about. You haven't told them for a reason.

It sounds like too much hard work for too little fun and reward.

If I had to choose between a man and having children, having children would win hands down

You want children.
He does not.

Break up with him.

You have plenty of time in your fertility window at 30, but don't waste more years on a man who doesn't want the same thing.

Better to be single now with plenty of time to find someone nice, than end up single under the cosh of serious biological clock ticking.

Him being nice and good to spend time with and being hurt if you split up aren't good reasons to stay together. That isn't enough to give up on having kids for. Frankly even the best relationship in the world wouldn't be worth giving up on kids for if you really want them.

You're dating, you don't even live together, you haven't made any promises to be with him forever, dating is a test run for marriage and it's perfectly okay to figure out that this relationship isn't for you and end it with civility and kindness. Luckily you can do it without the entanglements of coparenting and cohabiting and a marriage to dissolve.

At 30 if you're going to do this you should do it now. You have a limited number of fertile years and you need time to end it, heal, date, find someone, be together long enough to be sure it's right, TCC, possibly deal with losses or need fertility treatment, have a child, maybe more if you want multiple.

If he ended it you'd be relieved I bet. I can tell! And that's fine. You just don't want to be the bad guy. But it's not a bad thing to end a relationship that isn't right. You can't stay with him out of pity.

I totally get what your saying and deep down I know your right. Just frustrating that it’s one of the nicest people I’ve met.

Just don’t know how I’m going to go about breaking up with him, I’m a coward when it comes to things like this. I was half tempted just to be really cold and distant so that he breaks up with me but I know that’s a really childish way of dealing with it.

Thanks for all your advice.

Oh god, don't even think about it! He's 40 with two children, one of whom is difficult, and he doesn't want children with you but wants you to move in and give up that option just to be with him. No.

""On the other hand I really like being with him, he is a very nice person and I enjoy spending time with him""

I know a lot of people like this.Doesnt mean I want to move in with them or marry them or spend the rest of my life with them

Please try to raise your self belief/esteem and dont settle.

""Just don’t know how I’m going to go about breaking up with him""

You just tell him that you want children and the future you see for yourself doesnt involve him. Be kind but firm. And if he gets a bit arsey block him ( and change the locks if he has a key to your home)

Or you can cheat on him and make it really obvious and then he'll dump you with any luck.

Be brave and say "I have really enjoyed our time together and I think you're a great guy, but I've realised that our long term life goals aren't compatible. I want children of my own, and when you talk about what you want out of life it doesn't fit with what I want out of life. So I'm going to wish you well and say goodbye at this point."

If he comes back with a "maybe I'll change my mind in the future" don't fall for it. In fear of losing you he might dangle the carrot that he could change his mind, but he's already been super clear about not wanting kids.

Thanks for your help all

I did drop a few hints last night. He got a bit defensive which took me by suprise. Saying things like "look if you don't want to be with me tell me now, I think you would be being unfair dumping me in my early - mid 40's when I wont be able to get anyone else", then he said something like "oh so your leaving me on my own tomorrow night".

I think he's being a bit unfair by using his age. He's apologised since but that's put me off ending things even more. I have no interest in messing someone around, I appreciate we have been together for a couple of years.

The fact that I'm unsure has made me feel really guilty. I don't want to mess him about. Perhaps if I saw a counsellor this may help me see the bigger picture. I would love to keep him as a friend if we did break up but I don't think he would want that. I just feel like im in the situation where I'm trying to keep everyone else happy rather than myself. If he was abusive/nasty to me then I could easily break up with him. I just feel that because he hasn't done anything horrible and because the relationship isn't bad then I'm unjustified in ending things as he is a great person (most of the time lol).

Sorry for the long rant and thanks for your replies so far.

@Samantha2022

Thanks for your help all

I did drop a few hints last night. He got a bit defensive which took me by suprise. Saying things like "look if you don't want to be with me tell me now, I think you would be being unfair dumping me in my early - mid 40's when I wont be able to get anyone else", then he said something like "oh so your leaving me on my own tomorrow night".

I think he's being a bit unfair by using his age. He's apologised since but that's put me off ending things even more. I have no interest in messing someone around, I appreciate we have been together for a couple of years.

The fact that I'm unsure has made me feel really guilty. I don't want to mess him about. Perhaps if I saw a counsellor this may help me see the bigger picture. I would love to keep him as a friend if we did break up but I don't think he would want that. I just feel like im in the situation where I'm trying to keep everyone else happy rather than myself. If he was abusive/nasty to me then I could easily break up with him. I just feel that because he hasn't done anything horrible and because the relationship isn't bad then I'm unjustified in ending things as he is a great person (most of the time lol).

Sorry for the long rant and thanks for your replies so far.

You can't pity-fuck the guy forever, and if he was a decent guy he wouldn't want that anyway.

If he cared about you the way he should, if he wanted what was best for you, he would actually let you go so you could have the things he can't/won't offer you.

He's 40-odd, he's already got kids - he wants to deny you the opportunity to have that experience. That's really bloody selfish, if you think about it. He's not that nice.

Stop with the people-pleasing.

Live your own life.

He doesn't have to be an abuser not to be right for you.

Be brave. You don't owe him a relationship just because he doesn't smack you around or cheat on you.

And 40-odd blokes are perfectly able to find new relationships.

It's just shit of them to fish in the pool of younger women who want children when they don't.

You want kids and he doesn’t. That’s a big red flag right there. You’ll end up caring for him and his kids, resenting the fact that you don’t have any. Also, he’s not that old! He will find someone else !