Will I ever meet "my person"

[Crumpets123]

I'm 30 next year.

I feel like my 20's has been full of mistake after mistake, and has been a disaster. Failed relationships and so much heart ache.

I am losing hope I will ever meet my person... the person it just clicks with, the person it is just smooth and easy with, the person where it isn't so hard and stressful and full of disappointment and unmet needs.

I feel like people just have used me my whole life, I give so much to others, but don't get the same back. I feel like I am cursed and will never just have a normal, healthy, happy relationship like other people seem to so easily have.

I am losing hope I will find true, long lasting love :-(

That sounds like tough going but don't lose heart as remember you only need to meet one right person ..not loads. Would you think of having some counselling to learn some new ways of dealing with people so they stop taking advantage of you. When you are in a stronger place yourself you will attract the right person who isn't a user or you will spot the wrong one a mile away. This is not to say there is something wrong with you but we all need help with areas of our lives that are maybe not at their best. Getting that help is a very positive thing to do for yourself.

Don’t give up - I finally met mine at 42….. x

I completely empathize with you.

I'm 30, spent my 20s in relationships with emotionally unavailable men thinking we'd end up getting married... Last few years of my 20s being a super picky single lady friend zoning men for minor things....

Only to end up repeating history.... Getting into a relationship with someone who I thought was so very different, to end up 3 years into the relationship no sign of marriage which I made it crystal clear in the first few months I didn't want to be with him if he did not want to get married. I have brought up getting married countless times and there's always an excuse.

Now seeing all the men I friend zoned getting married... Feel I've really shit on myself.

It's really hard.

Honestly youre still young you have time to find someone.

I also suggest going and speaking with someone. Work on yourself, get insight into your thoughts and behaviours. It'll help you really understand what you need from someone and even help prevent you repeating history.

Yes you will.
My mum always said " you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince" .. I eventually found my prince when I was 50.
Learn to love yourself, find something to smile about every day & when the time is ready, you will find the right one.
🤗

I met DH when I was 30.5, he is year younger, lots of comments before that from family, friends and colleagues that I was still single. DH concentrated on his career in his 20s, worked away a lot.

I met him on a group outing to a nightclub (we were both in a social/volunteering group, different towns, the 2 groups arranged a joint social). Neither of us were nightclub people but we both went that night and ended up chatting, exchanged numbers to arrange another group social and the rest is history.

We got married 3yrs later, about to celebrate silver wedding and have 2 great kids of almost 24 and 21.

My cousin met her forever partner at 40 and had a baby at 47, so it is never too late! My parents were also older when they met, similar ages to DH and I, which was more unusual in the 50s.

I remember feeling left out when friends got married younger - one close friend is a widow now, many friends separated or divorced - but life is never straightforward for anyone.

I feel like people just have used me my whole life, I give so much to others, but don't get the same back.

Maybe you need to reassess your own behaviour and do a bit of work on your boundaries if you're finding yourself with an assortment of losers & users?

If you are very much a people-pleaser and characteristically end up in very unbalanced friendships/relationships, or putting up with crappy treatment, then having stronger boundaries from the start and confidence to say no more may help you sort the wheat from the chaff.

It might be worth some counselling or therapy to address this.

You will find your person. Focus on what you want in a partner rather than what you don’t want. Those good qualities are out there.

Also be mindful that even when you meet your person they will not be perfect, but they will be perfect for you. Your person will be your rock even in bad times.. that’s how you will know you have found your person. When you’re in a dark moment and need support, they won’t run for the hills. A partner that will stick with you in good and bad, that’s what you’re looking for. And I’m sure you will find it.

Keep strong and know that you deserve love and to have a loving relationship and I’m positive you will find your person. Just like you’re looking for them, they are also looking for you. So it’s only a matter of time.

‘Your person’ is you. Until you are confident happy and secure in your own company you won’t find someone else provides these things. You can’t rely on someone else making you happy, it doesn’t work like that.

Become you're own person.

Honestly. This must sound so annoying I know, and I'm sorry.

But i longed for somebody to stand in my corner. Belieeeeve me. Support me. Respect my boundaries. GET me.

Over the years (never met anybody) I have stood in my own corner (and fallen out with people) and I've respected my boundaries (even if my mother branded me difficult) and I've accepted myself. I've had goals and seen them through with only my own support. Only me behind me.

I'm 51 now so probably nobody going to be chasing me down but I don't care any more.

Become your own person younger than I managed it and that will bring it in. Perhaps. And if it doesn't, you'll be fine.

Well, not necessarily. Clinging to a hope you will find the perfect partner might be making you too choosy. I know many people who have settled, and many people who remained single. You need to decide what is likely to make you happier. You have to try and make life sufficient when it's "just" you, I guess, then decide if it is worth waiting, or you want to settle for someone average at a certain point in time.

And get turned off quicker by men who aren't exactly what you want them to be.

Honour your own agenda and don't fall passively in to line with a man's agenda.

This is the advice I'd give myself in my early 20s

It's possible. I'm beginning to think that a lot of married people didn't meet their person. A kit of people panic, as you are doing, and just get married to someone who'll do.

There seems to be a train of thought that the younger you get married the better and more valid it is. But that's not true.

I'm in my 40s and I have met my person yet(and, yes, uts true that your person is you, but I think we all know what you mean!) I've brought my children up knowing that they need to be the best version of themselves and be open to someone who is going to make their life even better.

Don’t give up Op ,love can come when you least expect it x

I met my XH at 30, so don't give up all hope. I had sort of given up hope of ever meeting anyone when I met him, and we did just click and moved in together a few months later. I had DD at 36.

Unfortunately it didn't last as after 10 years together, he met OW and is now married to her, but at least I had a few years of happiness and got DD out of it.

I choose to be single right now as I can't be doing with the hassle of a relationship, and I don't feel lonely now like I used to in my 20's.

Yeah I am having counselling which I am finding really helpful, and my counsellor has also identified the need for boundary work, which is what we are going to be working on.

I know that I have struggled with my self worth and have wasted time on the wrong people. I know I've got the rest of my life to meet someone, but sometimes it just feels hard and gets a bit lonely.

@Crumpets123 don't be put off by the title, but I've just finished reading "women who love too much" by Robin Norwood, and I've found it interesting and helpful. I have a similar history to you

I second what pp have said about believing in yourself more, and not being reliant on finding someone else in order to somehow make you whole.

Whichever way you look at it, it's the right thing to do - a) if you don't meet 'your person', or don't meet them for some time yet, then you will have become more self-reliant, confident, self-sufficient, achived more goals, have a greater feeling of self-worth etc. and b) all of the above will make you more likely to choose the 'right' person when they do come along. Some would also argue that by working on yourself you become a more 'attractive' person for other people to spend time with, if that is what you want.

I found my 'right person' in my 40s.

@Crumpets123 I’m also 30 next year and have not long gotten out of a 3 year relationship, prior to that I was single and dating for 4 years which was a pretty negative experience until meeting my ex, and I’m dreading potentially going through losers, being ghosted and “lovebombing” (which seems to be a new term but it’s something that often happened to me before. Don’t really have any real advice only just to say I’m in a similar boat and I’ll be wanting to settle down and have kids in a few years. Although I’m trying to tell myself now last time when I was dating I did eventually meet and settle down with my ex, things were good for majority of relationship and break up has been very amicable. I just hope it doesn’t take another 4 years to meet someone again x

I think many many people don't find the right person but by the time you realise, it is too late. I am married, but he is not my soulmate. I regret not heeding the warning signs and waiting until I found an equal and a soulmate.

You may or may not find a person who you can settle with. Its ridiculous for pp to promise you that you will, just because they did. There is no 'one' and no 'soulmate', just people who you click with and get you more than others. That can also change over time. Each of my significant relationships have lasted exactly a decade. Just because they didn't last forever doesn't mean they werent good or right at the time. I agree with the pp who said 'your person' is you. Be happy in and with yourself. It's the only thing you actually have control over.

All I have ever met have been frogs.

Ha ha same, well one good guy but he drank too much. You stop caring eventually.