Need to break this cycle

[fortysomethingandtired]

This is such a pathetic thing but something that is causing me such anxiety. Everything around bath time with my husband has become such a weird routine and I need to change it. It's one of his obsessions (water usage/wasted is a big thing for him). He moans about the kids (teens) showers (too much -too long - when they have them), honestly they don't have too many or too long and shower at normal times not 3 in the morning. With us it's an obsession about having a bath on the same day (so we can share water) - not a problem when I want to have a bath same evening as him (especially as I get in first so he has my water), but it has become so he expects this all the time. This morning I went for a river swim - wanted to shower when I go home (8am) but he said "I thought we were having a bath tonight?" so the I didn't shower but was freezing and couldn't get warm, so I had one after he went to work (feel fab now). But I know I will get grief tonight. He also wants me to sit and talk to him whilst he is in the bath - again in theory not a problem as it can be a nice time to chat about our days sometimes, except he expects it every time - I need to have an excuse like I am going out to not do it. Last week I didn't come in (was drying my hair to go out) and when he got out of the bath he said "I was calling you, where were you, I was lonely?" and was really sulky and "poor old me". I make jokes like "you are old enough to have a bath by yourself" and say "you can have a bath even if I'm not" but my subtle approach is not cutting it. The other week I had showered so that night he refused to have a bath because I didn't want one and said "if you died I wouldn't have a bath again - WTF!!!! (I don't think he means he wouldn't wash - but that he wouldn't waste the water on just him - maybe he would flannel wash - lord knows, I didn't ask.) I need to have a serious talk as I am getting panic attacks around this - I mean how insane is that! But I find it so controlling and I am getting in such a tizz about this discussion - I am a very confident woman, great job, higher earner, runs the house etc but have got myself over the years into a space of treading on eggshells around his weird habits as they stem from his MH issues but I can't continue to do this. Please tell me he is being unreasonable (even if you are an eco-warrior water saver yourself). Need to talk to him tonight before I go insane. I can't believe that length of this post about a bath - 1st world problem I know but I am in constant stress around this.

He's got an obsession that isn't your problem to fix. It's his.

If it's not bathtime he'll find something else to obsess about. He's codependent.

Make a GP appt for yourself and tell him you're doing it because you need help to deal with his issues and he's affecting the whole family.

HE needs to own this, not you.

Is it just the bath/shower that makes him like this or other things as well?

I would take a firm line that he stays quiet about showering and bathing or go live elsewhere.

Stop giving his unreasonable obsessions air space!

@PartridgeFeather @LadyLolaRuben He can be quite obsessive and want things done his way (I think they are two different things that overlap sometimes). Some things I just ignore but this one has become quite a thing. Not sure how it started and then escalated to where we are now, and it sort of involves two big obsessions - the environment and me. I am glad to hear others think it is unreasonable - I know he will tell me I am being unreasonable and mean and play a big guilt card. I know all too well I have got dragged into the drama triangle where he flips between persecutor and victim.

In my opinion he definitely isn't being reasonable. You can be an eco warrior about water and still allow other people to use water within reason. (And I"m in Australia, where water IS an issue. Are you in the UK? How can water be an issue there....??)

It is controlling IMO and It sounds absolutely suffocating.... not being able to just have a bath or shower whenever you want to.... Having to plan out Bath Day, no spontanaeity.... The forced togetherness, clinginess, I am a person who loves my autonomy and that would be a MAJOR turnoff for me....
So as you say, the subtle approach isn't cutting it. You probably need to have some firmer boundaries. "I've got other things to do, I don't want to sit and talk to you in the bath". "I don't want to plan out my baths, you go ahead and I'll do my own thing." If he says he won't bath if you haven't, "You can't put that on me. You need to shower or I'm not getting in bed with you tonight".
If you're worried about stating these boundaries above, then that is concerning.
What is the walking on eggshells about - does he get angry, sulky, moody?
What is the MH issue? Is it the obsessional behaviour around water use? (note that anger, sulking etc are not mental health issues!). I know some middle aged men get really stupid about the environment, totally obsessed and controlling about things like compost and water and recycling, it's a real pain in the arse.

Oh and remember:
Nobody can make you feel guilty without your permission!

Why on earth is he having a bath when he could have a shower, if he's so worried about the environment?

Doesn't he drive you absolutely nuts?!

He sounds hideous

[quote fortysomethingandtired]**@PartridgeFeather* @LadyLolaRuben* He can be quite obsessive and want things done his way (I think they are two different things that overlap sometimes). Some things I just ignore but this one has become quite a thing. Not sure how it started and then escalated to where we are now, and it sort of involves two big obsessions - the environment and me. I am glad to hear others think it is unreasonable - I know he will tell me I am being unreasonable and mean and play a big guilt card. I know all too well I have got dragged into the drama triangle where he flips between persecutor and victim.[/quote]
Yes I suspected he was controlling in other matters even just subtly. These examples are never isolated as its usually a trait.

I knew someone like this - the hassle of not doing things his way was not worth it. Then I felt bad inside to succumbing to his unreasonable ways as I was constantly comprising with no acknowledgement from him. It affected the whole family.

Your children are witnessing this and so its important they see the appropriate way of handling it as a good example for their own future relationships

He sounds clingy and controlling. If he already has MH problems (anxiety? OCD?), is he getting treatment and help? Does he acknowledge he has a problem?

My ex was heading in a similar direction; he had diagnosed MH problems, but at times it felt like he was using anxiety focused on the environment to question and control what I did (eg, did I really need to make a particular car journey). At one point he got really angry and upset because every evening I would empty out and put fresh water in the glass I keep by the bed, rather than topping up the half-glass left from the night before. I explained that I did not want to end up drinking a dust-and-bacteria soup of water left around for days, but he absolutely refused to see my point of view and it led to a row and sulking, over half a glass of water! I did what I wanted anyway, but that was not very long before we split up...

Stop pandering to this nonsense, if you’ve been out early and want a shower then have one. Is he aggressive if you don’t do what he wants? He sounds really controlling and very difficult to live with

@exexpat

What you say about feeling controlled by his obsession/anxiety is so true!!! When he is depressed these things escalate and it is a cycle that has been going on for many years. He doesn't seek help because he doesn't think it is that bad..... (it is!)
Over the last few years there have been things like telling I shouldn't use a hairdryer as it is wasteful for the environment, telling me not to ever buy salmon again, ranting about how bad cut flowers are when someone bought them for me for my birthday, telling me I was wasteful at buying new bathroom towels (that were over 10 years old and had holes in them), and yes the "do I really need to go out" with car journeys. Sigh.......

Why are you and your children living like this?

God, what a misery guts OP!

I had this kind of thing at home growing up, and around food, too. Personal hygiene is a fundamental basic need. He is creating a barrier to you and your DC having access to hygiene and clean water in a developed country. It's really not good enough.

It's a shame that it stems from his issues, but those are his to resolve and if he can't or won't, you need to think seriously about whether you and your family can cope with it continuing to escalate.

This is a really similar situation and advice for you

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/captainawkward.com/2017/05/15/963-my-husbands-extreme-environmental-beliefs-are-a-problem-how-can-i-get-him-to-give-up-this-obsession/amp/

[quote Shoxfordian]This is a really similar situation and advice for you

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/captainawkward.com/2017/05/15/963-my-husbands-extreme-environmental-beliefs-are-a-problem-how-can-i-get-him-to-give-up-this-obsession/amp/[/quote]
That's a good article.

This line particularly stood out to me as relevant to the OP (and to me before I ditched the ex...): "He cannot save the planet by controlling you."

Maybe the OP could try and get that message through to her DH.

The ending is good as well and as true for that letter writer as this op

“ You deserve a happy life that isn’t dominated by this guy’s needs. You deserve a garden of your own, and enough water to nourish it.”

He is being unreasonable and it’s inexplicable that you’re following his rules.

Shower and bathe when you want in your own home.