How can I make sure my past doesn’t affect my relationship

[ScottishPheasant]

As a child and young adult I was severely emotionally abused by my mother. On a few occasions there was physical abuse but she kept that few and far between so that the fear of it was there but it wasn’t a constant thing.

The emotional abuse was from as young as I can remember till the day I left then other things happened where she would try to control me and would try to sabotage my life (calling friends , my workplace, reporting me for things I hadn’t done etc)

As a consequence I am fearful, I have anxiety and I worry about being abandoned I feel like the way my brain has developed from a baby has happened wrong somehow ? If that makes sense

I feel like I have no good examples of how to be in a relationship or as a person. I’m in my 40s now and I feel as though I’m lost ?
Sometimes I retreat totally and feel I’m not giving my husband the attention he deserves or I’m overly controlling about things that dont matter like cleaning and decorating and making the house nice as as a child and teen that was a focus for me I was made to clean a lot and I tried to make it a good thing so it became a routine I’ve not stopped as it has some kind of familiarity if that makes sense.

Sometimes I get too emotional and then snap as he can’t possibly understand.
I even feel jealous at his relationship with his mother

I want to work past these things but the emotional abuse was so horrific it’s like it’s imprinted into my mind forever

Have you had any therapy? That’s a good place to start.

Sorry you suffered that awful upbringing

I did have in the past and it was helpful in some ways to talk about what happened and offload it , to have someone say how wrong it was.

I had to stop as my mother went through a phase of reporting me . She is a professional so was believed and anything I countered it with about my childhood was then reported as ‘malicious’ . I had to stop therapy as I have children and her reports had highlighted me to ds and they wanted to make sure my mental health was ok so I can’t now seek more nhs therapy. I would have to go private if I had more until my youngest is a bit older as I’m terribly worried it will just flag me up again. The word of a narcissistic abusing parent is gospel apparently if they have a professional title

dd-ss

It feels like she set out from day 1 to make sure I was thoroughly prevented from having a childhood and developing into a normal adult. Even when I was an adult she couldn’t cope with me having any successes and has just tried to sabotage everything

I haven’t seen her in a long long time but it still affects me and my life because of her campaign. Everyone thinks she’s this wonderful hard working professional with a great reputation which she worked very hard to cultivate yet at home it was a totally different person.

I just want to somehow feel better and for my relationships to be better. With my husband as above I have issues and with my children I feel like there’s this delay with everything I stop and think with each and every situation’am I doing this right, what would she do I mustnt do anything she would have done ‘

If the mum of my colleague rang up to tell us all how awful and devious she was, I can guarantee that noone would be thinking, "what a kind lady, warning us about this psycho in our midst". Everyone's reaction would be, "that woman's a nutter, her poor daughter ".

You believe that noone sees through your mum's facade, but I can tell you that if she has repeatedly done this to you, her card is marked. People like that think they present a perfect face to the world, their direct victims think that noone else sees it, but I assure you, other people DO.

If she spoke to your therapist and drove you out of therapy, that is massive misconduct on the therapist's part. Next time you have any professional contact with anyone, do NOT tell your mum.

I totally agree with @Funnylittlefloozie - lots of people can see a narcissist for what they are. Don't let her invade your head space any more. It sounds like you have been the successful and loving mother that she never was, so you have won that one! Through loving your children, you will realise who you are and hopefully find peace with that

@Funnylittlefloozie

If the mum of my colleague rang up to tell us all how awful and devious she was, I can guarantee that noone would be thinking, "what a kind lady, warning us about this psycho in our midst". Everyone's reaction would be, "that woman's a nutter, her poor daughter ".

You believe that noone sees through your mum's facade, but I can tell you that if she has repeatedly done this to you, her card is marked. People like that think they present a perfect face to the world, their direct victims think that noone else sees it, but I assure you, other people DO.

If she spoke to your therapist and drove you out of therapy, that is massive misconduct on the therapist's part. Next time you have any professional contact with anyone, do NOT tell your mum.

She didn’t speak to my therapist but I need to keep a ‘clean bill of mental health’ if that makes sense or at least present that way so that if concerns are (maliciously) raised again it doesn’t look there’s any substance to them . I’m scared In all honestly she’s so manipulative I will have to see if private therapists have to feed back to the nhs gp or not

What would happen if concerns were raised? Mentally unwell women raise their children all the time. Noone gets their kids taken away for having MH problems, if they are good mums and their kids are fed, clothed and cared-for. So what could your mum realistically do?

Is your mum a GP? Are you worried that she is accessing your medical records?

Mind do counselling and it’s confidential except in exceptional circumstances

OP, you are allowing yourself to feel trapped by her.

Do get therapy. If she ever tries to pull a vicious stunt like that, it would be very seriously explored before your were deemed unfit as a mother. And getting therapy would not be seen as a negative but as a responsible act of taking charge of your mental health.

If you haven't yet, please announce yourself on the Stately Homes boards. The people on there are very supportive and you will feel heard and acknowledged and valued. It is very strengthening. That would be a good, healthy, free and incognito step to take. They will also direct you to the best Grey Rock training which is the only way to handle narcissistic parents.

I have been a guinea pig for EMDR therapy and tbh it did nothing for me, but I have heard so many stories of it transforming people's lives, it would be worth paying for a few private sessions. (Nothing on your medical records then.)

On the recommendation of someone on MN, I'm currently doing a free online Coursera course on the science of happiness. It's really thorough and illuminating and might help you focus on ways to have a better interaction with your partner and people important to you, where you don;t want the relationship to be tainted by how you were raised.

You may have too-high levels of cortisol from having to be constantly on high alert with her. These can be lowered by regular exercise, meditation, deep breathing, diet and calming hobbies, all worth looking into.

I am so sorry that you had to endure such terrible emotional abuse as a child. Please remember that it was never about you. Your mother had very serious issues and it sounds like she projected and offloaded her unhappiness onto you as much as possible. You deserved so much better.

As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, I can relate to the pain this must have caused you and I'm glad that your contact with her is now minimal.

It's completely understandable that you have anxieties and concerns about abandonment. I had them too. The person who was supposed to be your biggest protector and supporter in life let you down.

I definitely think some therapy would help you. I don't think that proactively working on your mental health and developing your resilience and active coping strategies should ever "count against you". However, as someone who has a previous history of severe anxiety that's documented in my medical notes, I do sometimes feel that I'm viewed through a different lens by medical professionals (who do not take into account the significant time I've put into improving my mental health, with considerable success) so I understand your concerns about the implications of accessing NHS support.

For some time I could not afford professional therapy so these online therapists and resources helped me so much! They changed my life.

Youtube - Terri Cole

Instagram:
@the.holistic.pyschologist (for work on reparenting yourself and healing that mother wound, developing emotional regulation skills)
@holisticallygrace
@nedratawwab
@healingnotes

Sending you best wishes and happiness!