Anyone been SAHM for 3 years full time?

[JC2021]

I've been a sahm for 3 years to my son.. he is due to start nursery mid next month..

We have a great relationship - although the first year was extremely difficult for me (colic, reflux, no support) and I do wonder how this has impacted him.. I struggled with anxiety and possible psychosis that went undiagnosed.

I would say he doesn't leave my side too often and will likely struggle with separation anxiety, he demands my attention a lot.. doesn't like it when I am talking to other parents or on the phone.. will literally scream 'mama!!'

Does anyone have experience of being at home with their little as much?? What's the relationship like?

My husband works and earns well so we made the decision to keep him home, then we moved house and I didn't consider any childcare help.. although it was needed!! then I started reading if you can keep them home it's best until age 3..

Any input/advice?

If I'm Honest I've seen it go both ways. Some kids are fine and relish being away from their STAHP so they can gain their own independence and others you can spot a mile off as being the ones still crying at school/pre school drops off 2 terms in. same with older children - some join every club going because they are desperate for the independence and new experiences - others don't last the lesson because they don't want to be away from their mom.

I've been at home with my 3 year old the whole time too. Like you, a decision we made based on the privilege of being able to. I understand it wouldn't be everyone's choice.

My 3yo is fiercely independent with a lot of things, and is pretty well rounded. I think she'll be a bit tricky at preschool drop off to be honest, it's the first time properly away from anyone she knows but I'm certain they'll get used to it.

I wouldn't have changed our situation for the world. I've loved my time with her and I'm obviously biased but she's a great kid.

Being a SAHM doesn’t literally mean you stay at home, and I’m sure he’s had plenty of experiences out of the house. The problem is more pandemic related I would think, as a lot of normal things like toddler classes and library sessions just haven’t been running.

I stayed at home with both of mine and didn’t start full time work till the youngest was 5
They are both grown up independent adults now

My son is showing signs of being intelligent/aware/gifted but socially he does fall short.. doesn't join in with others and I'm ok with that but not if it is a burden to him or will negatively impact him in the future.. one thing I'm aware I haven't introduced enough of and sooner is boundaries

I've been a sahm for little over 6 years now. Neither went to nursery and only the youngest who is nearly 4 started pre school for couple mornings a week earlier in the year before he starts school next year.

I honestly think it's less to do with you being a sahm and just likely the stage your child is at! (The attachment)

We made the decision for me to stay home and I was the driving force because I wanted to be there as a sole carer for them, I didn't want to miss things, I've always wanted to me a mum wanted to do it in the most hands on way possible it. Neither of my children have had any kind of separation anxiety, my eldest adapted to school like a duck to water and has excelled. We all have a very close bond but they're also happy to go off any spend time in other peoples company, whether friends or other adults (dad, grandparents). They're both very personable and chatty with other people, especially teachers etc, have never had any behavioural issues with them.

I do think these good traits aren't necessarily to do with me being a sahm mum, if they're at nursery you're still parenting them and have that overall influence, your child is still going to be your child whatever that is..! But I am in a camp that being able to be there all the time for a young child is hugely hugely beneficial, I wouldn't have changed it for them even though at times I've struggled mentally and it's been tough at times financially.

I decided I want to always be there before and after school and so have pushed to create a business the last couple years that I can do from home and is largely passive which will make a huge difference.

Read the book:
"Being there: why prioritising motherhood in the first three years matters" by Erica Komisar

I was a SAHM mum primarily for 5 years. She doesn't have any separation anxiety problems now (she's nearly 8). I put her into nursery 3 mornings a week from when she was 3 to prepare her for school nursery and get more social interaction. Her speech was also poor and this helped so much.

@ExplodingCarrots - have you thought about reading the first sentence of the OP?

Hello OP. Well done! It sounds like you’ve given your son the gift of your attention in those important early years. It is not an easy job. I had two children I’ve looked after like this and they were completely different. One settled in to nursery (but this was only nursery school, half days) very well and immediately became the life and soul and the other was more shy. I would say that now they are both older (over 5) they are both exceptionally resilient and happy, I hope partly because of the base I gave them, but also because of the work I put in supporting them to adapt to other settings. There will be a few delicate years now as you support him to get launched and then I expect he will flourish.

My DC 3 was the ultimate velcro baby from 5 months to about 3. She had no difficulty starting nursery at age 3 or school and is generally very outgoing and confident. Separation anxiety is completely normal for little ones. Most grow out of it without any difficulty. Having experienced a caring, consistent, responsive caregiver usually makes kids feel secure enough to go out and explore the world. However, as someone said above, the impact of reduced opportunities to mix with others due to covid may have some impact as kids often find new situations alarming and show this by wanting to stick close to caregivers. Just keep on being reassuring.

My advice would be show you think it’s excellent and good for him to go, but also keep him very close emotionally- stay in his world.

[quote LynetteScavo]@ExplodingCarrots - have you thought about reading the first sentence of the OP?[/quote]
Ah yes , sorry

My DS was very similar to yours OP. We found and amazing, small nurturing nursery for him, which he absolutely loved. It was actually harder for me than him to be separated when he started.

I think a lot of children about to start nursery this year have been at home with one parent due to Covid, so nurseries should have this in mind and be aware that starting nursery is potentially going to more of a "big thing" for children and parents this year.

You haven't damaged him!
He'll be fine. Give him 2 weeks and he'll settle.
It sounds like it's damaged you though and now it's time to repair and recuperate. 3 years of sahm is tough if your mental health suffers and you do it for the kids.
Some gym, some walks, healthy eating.
Do not fill it with housework and voluntary stuff. I did that and it was a huge, huge, huge mistake.

Thanks for your input everyone who has posted, really good to hear other ppl experiences.. he's very confident and chatty with adults but seems unsure with other kids, maybe as they are more unpredictable. He has a good sense of people.. e.g. really hoping he thrives at nursery I'm sure he will, just need to pick a suitable one 🙏

@lemonadecar

My advice would be show you think it’s excellent and good for him to go, but also keep him very close emotionally- stay in his world.

I love this

@PicaK

You haven't damaged him! He'll be fine. Give him 2 weeks and he'll settle. It sounds like it's damaged you though and now it's time to repair and recuperate. 3 years of sahm is tough if your mental health suffers and you do it for the kids. Some gym, some walks, healthy eating. Do not fill it with housework and voluntary stuff. I did that and it was a huge, huge, huge mistake.

Great advice thank you! I often find myself tending to other chores or housework when I get spare time, never dedicating it to myself.. something I need to learn better x

I've been a sahm for 3 years come December. My experience may be different to yours as my daughter is awaiting asd assesment. However I'm not so worried about the separation aspect of nursery, as she's very content in her own company. My concerns are how she'll deal with her peers. She doesn't like other child much.

Our then-three year old started nursery a year ago (September). I've been at home with him full time. He's a shy, quiet, reserved character. He's done brilliantly! It's done wonders for his social skills (he hardly saw other children during lock down, just at the age he had started to actually play "with" his little pals). He's also quite smart we have been told by the nursery staff. We just picked a smallish, friendly one (not the massive one nearby which is best friend, who is a completely different personality, is at). It'll be great for you both

How is your mental health now? If you have more free time it might be a good opportunity to access some support if you need it? I also took up Couch25k which did wonders for my mood