Feel like my husband has lost interest

[MyBadHabitsLeadToYou]

My husband and I have been together for about 14 years, married for 8. Two girls, 7 and 4. We both work full time, heavy jobs (both solicitors, both WFH). We have busy lives and it hasn’t always been easy. We had times when the girls were small where it was hard and things weren’t so good but we have stuck at it and I think we have reached a place now where we are happy. I think.

My husband is a good man. He’s a great dad, does his bit in the house..we are a good team, we muck in and we give each other a break when needed and yeah, I guess we understand each other. We are best friends.

But I guess it’s fair to say that things have been off the boil in the bedroom. But it’s not even just about the sex. It’s like…we’re both tired. And the girls go to bed and then it’s squaring up and getting stuff ready for the morning and watching tv and crashing out in bed. There isn’t much affection/intimacy let alone sex. I did try a bit but he just doesn’t really seem into it. He’s kind about it but I’m feeling a bit fed up.

We were at a party today (with kids). He had a suit on for the first time in ages and good lord, it’s the first time in so long that I’ve thought, Jesus I really fancy you. I told him so. He laughed it off. So tonight when the kids were asleep I told him how I felt. He says he’s tired. He’s not feeling great about himself. He has a lot going on at work just now (this is true). He knows he’s been distant and he’s sorry and he’ll work on it.

Then we get in to bed early. Put on a film. He is way over the other side of the bed then falls asleep.

I have absolutely no reason to think there’s someone else - he doesn’t go out much (I probably go out more than him). He’s not secretive with his phone or anything. I just think it’s like he can’t be arsed? I am a little overweight and im working on it but he swears he doesn’t care about that. He’s adamant that he loves me.

We also haven’t been out alone together since like last February so we do need to sort that.

Sorry if this is a bit of a senseless rant. I didn’t really know where to start…

It sounds like he's tired and stressed and sex isn't a priority at the moment, which isn't great for you, but is taking its toll on him.

Is his workload likely to lessen soon? what can you do to help? If it's the first time in ages you've told him you fancy him, maybe you need to do that a bit more often. Try to cheer him up and make him feel desirable.

I don’t know. He’s not a big talker really

Sometimes when you have young children ( and busy lives ) you can lose sight that you are a couple and not just parents .
Have a conversation with him along those lines , and suggest you start ' dating ' again . This doesn't necessarily mean lots of sex , but more listening to them , being more aware of them , and finding fun in your relationship .

All your answers are in your post. Too much work, too much focus on ‘being organised’ neither of you feeling sexy

Hormone check at the docs (him, I mean!)

Dh and I have been married for over 20 years. The one thing I will say is turn off the tv, even if it is just one evening a week. Have an evening where you can put your phones down and look at each other, hold hands whether you are say across a table with a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Talk to each other.

I always think this is a great way to stay connected. Dh has a very demanding and stressful job. I have been a SAHM for 17 years due to a disability. We both listen to different podcasts that both of us would like and talk about those to each other as well as a million other things.

Also do you regularly stay physically connected? ie if you walk behind him would you put your hand on his back or his shoulder? Are you that kind of couple?

I know your children are fairly young but can they help get things ready for the next day at all, obviously with your help (your Dh is included in that) that they start to take some responsibility. A check list for them is helpful, pictures for the 4 year old.

Would you give your Dh a foot rub? Make him feel relaxed before bed? Would he do the same for you? Again a physical connection without it actually being sex. And feeling cared for.

I would say all relationships ebb and flow in the bedroom. Just try to not let it go too long. He needs to understand that sometimes being a bit more tired the next day is totally worth it.

He sound like normal tired parent, sex just falls of the priority list and is replaced with work, child care etc,
You may need to ask about the “not feeling great about himself” comment, as PP suggests, not feeling sexy.

The one thing that stood out for me was that you said you really fancied him.
Build him up, pay more compliments and talk to him.
If he's not a talker, this may be an issue. If you don't solve it, you will start feeling lonely in your marriage and imo, you can't come back from that.

I think since things have opened back up we have suddenly become really busy. Like I’ve just realised that we don’t seem to have a weekend free in September. It’s just nuts. And I’m happy about that but I feel like we are constantly on the go. The house needs some attention and we are both exhausted by the end of the week. I wonder if he’s just needing some down time.

It’s funny though. Our sex life was good pre-children but I know it’s normal for it to dip after kids. It’s one of those things where when we do do it, it is so good that we are like omg why aren’t we doing this all the time?? But then it can be weeks and weeks before it happens again.

I’m going to start making more of an effort to connect with him. This is not all on him. But I do feel like he needs to meet me halfway a bit.

Good that you have recognised the problem. As others have said, this needs to be tackled or it will fester and things could easily go downhill. Sex is the glue in an LTR - it will keep you together when other things are falling apart. That has certainly been true for us - 30 year relationship. You need to work at, and discuss, your sex life just as you discuss other aspects of your relationship. Sounds like your DH is avoiding the issue, you need to sit him down and make your feelings clear to him. The point about being tactile is also a good one - if you cuddle and touch each other regularly it's easy to move on to foreplay, though there should be no automatic expectation that a cuddle means sex.

All the best op

He never kisses me unless it’s going somewhere.

Is that normal?

I’m just thinking about it and almost every act of physical affection is instigated by me 😕

No, that's not normal.

If he feels in a rut and the ‘spark’ has gone from your relationship (for him ) then yeah I would say that’s pretty normal.

I don’t think that’s normal either.

You need to talk to him, really talk and listen. He can’t opt out of communicating because he finds it difficult. Lots of people find opening up tricky but you chose to marry each other and have children and this is a big deal that won’t improve without effort and investment on both sides.

No one ever ended a dry spell or lack of day to day intimacy but avoiding the issue.

It sounds really difficult, sorry

@MyBadHabitsLeadToYou

He never kisses me unless it’s going somewhere.

Is that normal?

I’m just thinking about it and almost every act of physical affection is instigated by me 😕

Can be normal tbh.

DH and I have only been married for a couple years and have one toddler but we definitely have fallen into this rut. No snogging, no sex. He has avoided trying it on cos I often reject him and I haven’t wanted it at all. As a result we’ve slid into feeling more friends than lovers or partners. It’s very very difficult for some couples to maintain a sexual romantic connection amongst the furore of a busy life with kids and jobs.

You need to talk and you need real honesty with each other. Get into bed one night naked with no expectations and hold each other while you talk about what you’re happy with and what you’d like to be better and how to get there. Don’t be afraid to tell him the truth that currently your needs aren’t being met. DH could easily have thought I wasn’t interested in him anymore but I really was and am, I’ve never stopped loving and fancying him, but he had no way of knowing that based on my behaviour.

Sounds like a rut, you can get out of it but you both have to want to and you both have to put the work in.

Dear OP
Judging by your post, I agree that your hubby has no one else.
There is something wrong as you know and could it be he has debts/gambling etc as they are good at keeping secrets until its too late.

Other scenarios which I doubt are applicable to you but worth considering is STI, impotency or even the possiblity of him finding himself ie possibly bi-sexual/etc.

Having stated the above, I still feel there is something else there tht he is not letting on and he may not admit to it until found out or it may just pass.

Tell him how you feel, ask him what he wants you to do, tell him you are worried and see where that takes you.

Just re-read my post and I was going to remove some bits but then I'd not be posting what I feel.

Take care and please let us know once you've had the heart to heart if it was something about nothing.

He may have Erectile dysfunction

He just sounds bloody knackered, overworked and in a rut tbh. I don’t think there’s anything ‘big’ he’s concealing. But, it does seem like he’s not really ‘seeing’ you anymore and you’ve fallen into the trap of being co-parents rather than a couple.

I would make a time to sit down and talk to him about this because this kind of complacency can be fatal to a relationship. It needs addressing.

I would think being a solicitor is quite a depressing job?
Maybe he has depression?

Hmm I don’t think he has erectile dysfunction or anything like that. I really think he would tell me if that was the issue 🤔

I very much doubt there is anything big, like a gambling problem or anything like that. He is the original Captain Sensible. I think he has recently been taking himself far too seriously which he acknowledges. He wasn’t like this when we met. He was so funny and easy going.

Are your finances all OK?
Is his work going well or is he under pressure to deliver or maybe not achieving targets/fallen short in some way?
Are the kids happy/healthy/not an obvious worry?
Are there any other factors that may be causing him stress or depression?

What happens if you kiss him? If you touch him?

Agree with PP to carve out some non-TV time.

Finances are fine. We are having some issues with DD4’s challenging behaviour but again I think if it was that he would talk to me about it. Kids are generally fine apart from that.

He will kiss me back. He doesn’t flinch away. But he’ll bring it to an end fairly quickly.

Sounds like he is stuck in a work / home / kids routine with fun & sex on the back burner.

@MyBadHabitsLeadToYou

Hmm I don’t think he has erectile dysfunction or anything like that. I really think he would tell me if that was the issue 🤔

I very much doubt there is anything big, like a gambling problem or anything like that. He is the original Captain Sensible. I think he has recently been taking himself far too seriously which he acknowledges. He wasn’t like this when we met. He was so funny and easy going.

But you can't be certain and it is a fact that he is acting in a way where it leads you to be concerned.

I hope I'm wrong but I've met or heard about many people finding out about their OH's secrets that they would have never dreamt about.

Tell him to see a GP and take it from there.

Btw, if you have joint accounts as most married people do, check out the outgoings and if you have a mortgage, check if it's being paid.

Once you've ruled out the possibility of gambling, impotency, sexual orientations etc and asked him to come clean and there is nothing, insist he sees the doc.

Good luck