Not sure if I still want a relationship with my BIL

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StbexH has a long history of verbal abuse and warped narc behaviour towards me. Married 18 years. I'm 39. Kids now both at uni. I've tolerated it for years and when the kids left decided to end the marriage. Unfortunately financially it isn't possible for the foreseeable future, to separate and sell up and go our own way. I hate him but we just tolerate each other's presence, don't speak (a relief believe me as he would start an argument in an empty room).

H is verbally abusive, shouting, name calling, accusing me of things I haven't done, asking me where I'm going, controlling behaviour and so on. It started when I was pregnant with my first child. He can appear very charming to other people and there has been several instances of other women, but I don't care.

His brother however is a lovely person who I've been very close to since my marriage. We chat weekly and I have supported him emotionally throughout his relationship breakdown and we love each other, but for me not really in a romantic way. We live 300 miles apart. No plans for a relationship.

My H has always told lies and dragged my character through the mud to whoever will listen. I think doing this and convincing other people I am who he says I am bolsters his believe I am this shitty person. I mostly ignore this as my true friends know what he is like and they are not his friends. I don't interact with his friends as I know what they must think of me. If he can turn people against me he thinks it's some kind of victory. He did this with him mother (who I used to love and who loved me) and eventually turned against me. This after we had moved away and he isolated me from her and my family. My family want nothing to do with him. I can pretty much grey rock this.

H has always done this with his brother until I asked BIL to say he didn't want to hear it. H respected it for a while, but now with this divorce the slagging off has started again. His bother has recently divorced and is having huge problems (wife was having an affair) with children, legal and so on, so has been relying on me hugely and I've supported him as I care for him. He would like a relationship with me but I am done with this.

Recently H has started up the attempts again to make me out as an abuser. BIL knows this is nonsense, but continues to listen and allow his brother to rant about me. H does this in my hearing because he knows it's upsetting but BIL doesn't stop him. I've told him in the past how upsetting it is and how it just validates Hs view of me. I want BIL to defend me or stop H, but he has lost his wife, home and family, parents are dead and he only has his brother as family. From his POV losing his DB would be devastating but also would losing me, but I feel so let down by his failure to stop this continuing abuse of me. My heart just wants to block BIL because it feels like a betrayal, but my head says he is being as manipulated as much as me by H as H is brilliant at spotting weakness in other people and exploiting it. BIL is afraid of losing his B and I can't make him choose. What should I do?

I can't move out financially for about 18 months so not an option. I don't want to pressurise BIL into defending me as it's unfair but equally I don't want to give H any more opportunities to hurt me, and however much I try to ignore it, I can't. Sorry for the length but I don't want to drip feed.

Holding on financially seems pointless if it's this bad. Just retain some dignity and leave. Surely being a bit tight for money will be a price worth paying for your freedom?

Two things -

1. BIL - it’s sounds like his relationship to his brother will always be first, as he values the one blood relative he has left. He is more afraid of upsetting his brother than you, so he will behave in a way that doesn’t upset him, and just Pat you down with comments to pacify you and make you stay. This will always happen, whether you are just friends, or in a relationship. At present he knows you won’t walk away, so he can get away with treating you badly in order to keep both of you in his life.

You need to move on from both your H and his brother. Cut BIL off (nicely), explain if he was a true friend he wouldn’t let others say things like that to you. His loyalties are with his B and you don’t want to make him choose (although he really already has) so you are bowing out and wish him well.

2. Your H - you need to get out of the house. This financially for 18 months business is silly. In 18 months you will be so emotionally worn down, it won’t be worth it. Get out now. Be poorer, but happier. Start your new life without BOTH men today.

Also think - if this was your last 18 months on earth, would you want to spend it like this? Life is a gift. Don’t waste 18 months in a lose-lose situation.

What is it that makes it impossible to leave now, but ok in 18 months?

Perhaps we could suggest options you may not have considered?

@category12

What is it that makes it impossible to leave now, but ok in 18 months?

Perhaps we could suggest options you may not have considered?

H is set on dragging the divorce out and the sale of the house. I only have a thousand pounds to pay for the divorce because otherwise I will get shafted as he has a good salary (which he is keeping to himself) I lost my job in lockdown and now earn around £600 pcm. Renting here is very expensive and even a shared house is £500. I will literally be sleeping under a hedge if I leave. No living parents. Sister lives in a small bungalow with younger kids so no room, except the odd night. No friends who can put me up long term.

Until the divorce is finalised (solicitor reckons 18 months because of the game playing) and house sold, I cannot move on. I can put up with him because I have good defences emotionally. BIL is my weak spot, but I am angry with him because I've explained many times H continues to abuse me via him.

I can't see any other option than to block BIL because of this. H chooses to abuse me and BIL chooses to allow it by just listening and letting H do it. I am the only one with no choice. He's said to me in the past he does this to let H get it off his chest and then he won't take it out on me. But he really doesn't get the dynamics. H won't take it out on me because I walk away and don't engage. This enrages him, but is the best option. Hence getting to me via BIL.

I will tell BIl I am now done with talking to him because of this. I just don't want him to think I am like H and trying to manipulate him to choose me. H will I am sure cut his DB out because he wouldn't speak to his own DD for 3 months because she dared to defend me.

Your being so hard on the BIL and very unfairly so.

That’s not just his brother, but his only living relative left. Surly you can see what your asking him to do.

He is not saying things, and he can’t control what his brother says.

You are being unfair, if you don’t like your ex H slagging you off, tell him to shut up, don’t expect his brother to do it. (What would make you think he would listen anyway?)

If also shag the brother, at this point, just to rub salt in the wound.

Haha!

Totally agree you ned to make plans to leave whatever that takes.

Houseshare? Second job for more income? Sell some belongings? (not joint assets). At the very least can you sofa surf with family & friends on some sort of rotating basis or house & pet sit for people on holiday -anything to get out of the house for longer periods of time.

As for BiL you need to carefully draw back from this relationship. It's got far to close and intense which is not a good idea at the best of times less alone in your current situation. It could get bloody awkward, especially if stbEx realises BiL wants a romantic relationship with you (maybe he already does?).

Don't stay in the room when stbEx is slagging you off to BiL - why are you staying and listening to it? Calmly stick up for yourself and leave.

But get out of that house somehow.

@GiveMeAUserName123

If also shag the brother, at this point, just to rub salt in the wound.

Haha!

always an option.. might speed to process up too .. bonus

1. Find a way to get out financially please - this is really no way to live!
2. Walk away from this family (except your DC ofcourse!) entirely. Once you’re free, you’ll find out there are lots of other men who are nice and kind to you, perhaps you’re only having feelings for your BIL because he’s treating you the way your partner should treat you. But the situation now isn’t a good one to build a relationship with BIL up on-it’s utterly toxic and full of conflict. Break free from your partner, become independent and then see if there’s a possibility but first get the hell out of this shit situation.

@GiveMeAUserName123 Telling H would just give him what he wants which is knowing it's getting to me. He'd do it all the more .

As for shagging BIL ... he is emotionally buggered at the moment and so am I so it would just add another layer of emotional chaos to the existing one.

@Gerwurtztraminer H thinks my relationship with BIL is close and he wants to destroy it. I'm not in the same room but I can hear him (sure he speaks extra loud for my benefit) up the stairwell. There is no way to stop it without engaging with H and that's just what he wants. I grey wall him and he hates it more than anything. So zero reaction is the best.

@LaBellina I've been trying 6 months to get any job, they just aren't available. I can't sofa surf for longer than a day or two, and if I left H might change the locks. I know he can't legally do this but I would have to get legal representation to get back in and my funds are so low.

Maybe I'll just lay it on the line for BIL as he would be heartbroken to lose me. He can stop H if he wants.

He would like a relationship with me but I am done with this

You describe your BIL as a lovely man, but he is trying to fuck his brother's (still, for now) wife. How is that lovely? You need to get away from both these arseholes today. These men are both abusive in their own ways, one verbally, the other using you as an emotional crutch while trying to bed you as he listens to his brother be abusive to and about you. Are you 100% sure that BIL romantic interest in you doesn't amount to him getting one over his own brother, a point scoring exercise? What has happened in your life that the way you are currently living seems remotely healthy?

Honestly. I think you're making a huge mistake trusting BIL at all. It's easy to look lovely in comparison.

They very likely have the same sort of attitudes and behaviours having grown up together - presumably your ex masked these in the beginning of your relationship - it's likely BIL is capable of the same.

It's far too close and complex to get involved with the brother of the man you're divorcing. Frying pan and fire spring to mind. You really need some time to recover from an abusive relationship before dating again, and while you're still living with your ex, you're not out of the abuse.

Do you even need to stay in the same area? If you moved out would you be entitled to a uc top up?

Fuck bil and his enabling shite you could be my last relative on the planet and if I don't want to hear you spouting bullshit I will tell you

I am really sorry to hear you feel so trapped in this relationship for financial reasons.
It’s heartbreaking, really. I don’t have any advice, other then keep trying to apply for jobs. Confide in your friends and family, perhaps they know someone willing to give you a chance in a difficult situation. Contact Woman’s Aid to see if they know if you might get financial support or benefits in any way.
Please keep trying to get back your freedom, it’s everything and worth fighting for

Your bil could at least shut the conversation down if your ex starts slagging you off , even if he won’t defend you.
He (bil) may be nice in comparison to your ex, but wanting to sleep with his brother’s wife is a bit eww. It seems as if you support him but he doesn’t support you , all he wants is sex with you.

@category12

Honestly. I think you're making a huge mistake trusting BIL at all. It's easy to look lovely in comparison.

They very likely have the same sort of attitudes and behaviours having grown up together - presumably your ex masked these in the beginning of your relationship - it's likely BIL is capable of the same.

It's far too close and complex to get involved with the brother of the man you're divorcing. Frying pan and fire spring to mind. You really need some time to recover from an abusive relationship before dating again, and while you're still living with your ex, you're not out of the abuse.

This post nailed it. And if you do have a relationship or stay friends with BIL you’re never going to be rid of your husband. He’s going to forever be in the background running you down and BIL is never going to defend you. Never.

When I say BIL wants a relationship with me, I'm sure he wants to marry me. I think it's got an element of rebound after his exW affair and I know it's not just sex with him. 10 years ago before he met EXW we were getting closer, but he stopped because of his respect for his DB. I would have left H then, but BIL realised it would hurt his B too much, so we cooled contact. Easy if you live a long way apart.

The reason I like him so much is he is the complete opposite to H, and is kind and loving, but a wimp when it comes to standing up for himself and now I see this includes standing up for me. I've seen this with H and the ExW. Definitely not cut from the same cloth. I've known him 20 years which is too long to put on an act. I accept though that it's not good for either of us if he hasn't even got the guts to stand up for me. I'll have to accept that H always gets his own way and will destroy this friendship because it's not worth the emotional effort it's all taking. I need that to get through the coming months.

Looking at this logically without the emotion.

• The relationship isn't working and can't be resolved
• You are forced to live with someone you don't like
• The pressure of having to live with someone he doesn't like has made him resentful and this means he is bad mouthing.

You're first and only priority is to get out of that situation. You are obviously holding on purely because of the finances and the house. Somehow you need to force his arm with that one.

The link below may or may not help. Ignore who it's owned by.

www.webuyanyhouse.co.uk/blog/my-ex-wont-sign-to-sell-the-house-221092/

The title of your thread is ‘Not sure if I want a relationship with my Bil’

I would definitely NOT have a relationship with him, it sounds as if he/you/ both of you were having an emotional affair while you were married to his brother. You say he is a wimp , if he won’t stand up for you now , he won’t in the future.
Concentrate all your efforts in leaving your husband and distance yourself from bil .

But being your BIL/being your "friend" is very different territory to being in a relationship.

There's something wrong with a bloke who will chase his brother's wife.

@category12

But being your BIL/being your "friend" is very different territory to being in a relationship.

There's something wrong with a bloke who will chase his brother's wife.

We've been like a close brother and sister for most of the 20 years, and it's very easy to blur the lines when both people are hurting emotionally which we both are because of our recent/present relationships.

I think the only easy way to get out of this house and away from H is to move to the other end of the country as BIl would welcome me with open arms. It's not what I want though. I think the 'in love' has come about for him because his exW cheated on him and is being difficult with the children, and he is lonely and hurt. Not a good basis for a relationship, and my friendships are here.

I think what @FollowYourOwnNorthStar said upthread rings the truest. A true friend wouldn't allow someone, even his DB, to slag me off. I am going to admit his feelings for an abusive bully are stronger than those for me.

H has been accusing me of having affairs for years, including with BIL, so nothing new there

You aren't like a brother and sister and never were if you have got close to sleeping/dating or whatever happened years ago.

And now doing it again.

You are having an affair with your bil. I can't work out wether it's physical yet as you say 'its not just about sex'.

It sounds like you plan is to divorce your husband and then get with your bil? You say you think he wants to marry you, so you have had conversations that around a further relationship?

Your bil is making a play for his sister in law while she is married to his brother. But also sits and listens while his brother slags her off.

He isn't a good man. You need to get out ASAP, get the divorce sorted. But for now, cut bil off.