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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Let down constantly

18 replies

m1r14m · 29/08/2021 00:19

I'm tired and don't know who to turn to to be completely honest. Just kinda want someone to listen to me. My partner and I used to enjoy a drink and then I became pregnant, I've already got an almost 5 year old from a previous relationship but this is his first. Anyway he said he wanted to stop drinking/smoking but have one final night with the boys and then save up etc. He's done everything but that. He's drinking almost every single weekend, but staying up until about 6-7am drinking. I'm 38 weeks now and he promised me 3 weeks ago he would stop drinking after he again took it too far after my baby shower and stayed up drinking with his brother until 10am. I literally had a complete and utter breakdown to him telling him how I felt so unimportant to him and how whenever he's got a drink in him he doesn't care about anyone else and how I'm tired of this shit every single weekend and being let down constantly. He promised me after that it was the last time he was drinking as I told him he needs to be available incase I go into labour. Well he's drank every single weekend since. Last weekend he went to play football, went back to pub and told me he wasn't drinking as he had car, it got to 8pm and I asked him what was happening and he said he can't drive home he's had too many so his friend was driving his car home and I would need to take his friend home again, he came home with two bottles of wine and I was like what if I went into labour what would I do when I've not even got the car?? Today the exact same scenario happened. I'm so so so so so fed up. He literally does not give a fuck and I am exhausted of feeling second to drink. I don't know what to do at all.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 29/08/2021 00:24

Can you move home with your parents ? or somewhere where you won't be alone ?

You know that he's not going to change ... you need to prioritise yourself and the baby now.. 🌸

Original poster

m1r14m · 29/08/2021 00:30

@QueenBee52

Can you move home with your parents ? or somewhere where you won't be alone ?

You know that he's not going to change ... you need to prioritise yourself and the baby now.. 🌸

My mums currently visiting my brother who's like 9 hours away, my sister is also my other birthing partner but unfortunately she doesn't drive and I need to be here so I can take my daughter to school!

I honestly don't know what to do, I'm so tired of crying and feeling like shit😔

OP posts:

pog100 · 29/08/2021 00:33

He has well and truly proven that he cannot and will not control his drinking, he's alcoholic. Whatever the label, you need to do this without him, he is a nett drain on your life. I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate either, he is going to be a shit father.

Confusionreigns2021 · 29/08/2021 00:33

His only redeeming feature was having the insight to not drink drive. As pp’s have stated find somewhere else to live. If rules permit where you are give serious consideration to not including him on the child’s birth certificate.

nimbuscloud · 29/08/2021 00:36

Unfortunately you have hooked up with an alcoholic.
Move back to your parents

Original poster

m1r14m · 29/08/2021 00:37

@pog100

I know, it's just so hard to accept that. My past relationship was similar, and I really really thought he would be different but he absolutely clearly does not care for me or this baby if he can't just stay sober on a weekend to take us into hospital if need be.

OP posts:

Original poster

m1r14m · 29/08/2021 00:38

@nimbuscloud

Unfortunately you have hooked up with an alcoholic. Move back to your parents

We've been together over two years and he has never been this bad but I've told him his behaviour is not excusable what so ever. Super selfish behaviour.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 29/08/2021 00:42

What are your options? It looks as I’d you are going to be a lone parent of 2 children.
Hopefully you have are financially independent at least.
Does your older child’s father know what’s going on?

nimbuscloud · 29/08/2021 00:44

Sorry - cross posted
Is your older child’s dad also alcohol dependent?

Original poster

m1r14m · 29/08/2021 00:45

@nimbuscloud

What are your options? It looks as I’d you are going to be a lone parent of 2 children. Hopefully you have are financially independent at least. Does your older child’s father know what’s going on?

My daughter is at school here so I need to stay here as I don't have a car, I sold mines when I found out I was pregnant so we would have extra money as we both had a car and only ever used one. My daughters dad is actually stupidly worse than this, I'm trying to get full custody but at the moment we just goes every second Friday/Saturday night. I'm fed up I really am, if I knew this was what it was going to be again, I'd of never gone through another pregnancy when my mental health takes this much of a beating

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 29/08/2021 00:47

Have too family who can support you ? Parents or siblings?

Hummingbird1950 · 29/08/2021 00:50

Your mental health will improve if you LTB

Original poster

m1r14m · 29/08/2021 00:50

@nimbuscloud

Have too family who can support you ? Parents or siblings?

My mum is about a half hour away from me and will absolutely always help me, I'm just too scared to speak to her, I don't want to let her down or upset her but I think I'm going to have to speak to her, I just find it difficult cause I don't want to be a burden

OP posts:

TrampolineForMrKite · 29/08/2021 00:51

You need to leave him and if you can maybe move in with your parent/s for some support I would say. He won’t get better. As a PP said, I wouldn’t be putting him on the baby’s birth certificate at this point either and I would be breastfeeding that baby if it killed me because then visitation will be all the harder for some time and it will give you time to get sorted.

Original poster

m1r14m · 29/08/2021 01:11

@TrampolineForMrKite

I've just tried to speak to him and it's very very very clear he has absolutely no intention to stop drinking, he says if he can't take me to the hospital he's got friends that drive. I'm absolutely done honestly

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 29/08/2021 01:11

Just leave

Goneblank38 · 29/08/2021 01:23

Hey Op, I'm so sorry yes such a shit.

I think you need to stop talking to him, he won't change, he won't be honest, he can't be relied upon and there's nothing you can do about that.

I'd start planning for single parenthood. Talk to your mum about accommodation, arrange childcare for your eldest when you're in labour, prepare to catch a taxi to hospital. See if there are any benefits you'll be eligible for. Can you get public transport to daughters school? Could friends and family help you get her there?

When you're ready if try to arrange counselling or attend some Al-Anon meetings.

Good luck OP, you can do this.

Rangoon · 29/08/2021 01:52

Now that he thinks you're trapped with a baby and no car, you're seeing the real him. Leave him and do not let him put his name on the birth certificate. You can still claim child support I understand. Before someone bangs on about father's rights, just imagine handing your child over to this drunk for a weekend visit. Any man who says to his pregnant partner that a mate can drive her to hospital because this man can't stop drinking is not any type of father material.

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