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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this upset you?

24 replies

Potatofingers · 28/08/2021 22:50

My DH sits downstairs with me every evening on his computer game, I literally can’t speak to him as he’s so engrossed in it. If I so much as disturb him to he has a go at me. I have to wait until he’s finished it before I can talk to him about anything.

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 28/08/2021 22:51

Smash the computer.

Workinghardeveryday · 28/08/2021 22:52

Sounds like he has a problem. X

Hekatestorch · 28/08/2021 22:55

Every night? It would upset me as much as just turn me off to the whole relationship.

Both me and dp like to game. It's often weeks between one us actually playing. And we would be in a separate room for an couple of hours, so we aren't disturbing each other, then spend time together.

Its never been a substitute for spending time together. Just something we generally enjoy. But not to the point, we don't engage with eachother.

I totally, get why you would be unhappy if its Every night and you can't speak or anything and don't get anytime together.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2021 22:55

@Anordinarymum

Smash the computer.

Would it be ok for a man to destroy his wife's belongings because he thought they were taking the attention away from him??

Op i agree it's not acceptable but you need to talk to him, if he won't change then you need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who likes his game more than you

Rosecottage888 · 28/08/2021 22:55

Oh god no, I couldn't put up with this every night

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2021 22:58

He doesn’t have a problem, you do
Ltb

SStopRaisingHim · 28/08/2021 23:00

Urgh of course. Who does he think he is? It’s some where between royalty and a stroppy teenager. Gross behaviour.

Timeforredwine · 28/08/2021 23:00

Problem is he is absorbed with himself

FindingMeno · 28/08/2021 23:01

It'd piss me off if I wanted/ needed his company.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2021 23:05

Not okay. You deserve so much better.

Don’t you want a partner, a companion, a relationship with someone who enjoys your company?

Anordinarymum · 28/08/2021 23:08

Okay then, tell him you are going to smash the computer up if he does not stop putting his gaming before his relationship.

Original poster

Potatofingers · 28/08/2021 23:10

Yes, it makes me really depressed.
I think he’s possibly got an addiction to it, but when I try to bring it up , he gets really angry at me.
I tried to talk to him about something I’d been researching the other night (I do a lot of family history and genealogy) and he basically told me he didn’t care and indicated that I was stopping him from playing his game, if he ‘loses’ it’s like the end of the world.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2021 23:12

Do you want to leave him? Do you need help to do so?

TheChip · 28/08/2021 23:14

Uh god yes that would upset me. That's not good. I could handle the game playing every night, but not the rude and dismissive behaviour when trying to talk.

Even my children wouldn't speak to me in that way when playing a game, why does he think it is acceptable?

Hekatestorch · 28/08/2021 23:16

The problem isn't gaming. The problem is him.

He doesn't value you are spending time with you. His needs and interests come before you.

His anger when you bring it up, isn't ok either.

SStopRaisingHim · 28/08/2021 23:18

I wouldn’t care about the gaming but the anger sounds like a real problem.

Original poster

Potatofingers · 28/08/2021 23:19

@AnneLovesGilbert I will struggle to leave him as I’m financially dependent on him as I am a sahp to our DS currently.

OP posts:

Cantdoitallperfectly · 28/08/2021 23:19

I have had this issue with DP. His addiction meant that he was playing into the night sometimes 3/4 in the morning (even on a week night). Our sex life was non existent and I didn't have any sort of emotional connection with him. It was further complicated by the fact that we are a blended family and I had relocated to be with him. Once I forged more of a social life for myself I felt better but I craved intimacy and "closeness" with my DP. Our living situation changed recently and the gaming has stopped but tbh it was such a turn off for me I don't really find him attractive anymore, a 45 year old man talking into a headset really did nothing for me (sorry gamers) I respect the fact we all have things we are into but he did his at the expense of our relationship despite me talking to him about it numerous times. We do talk and have deep and meaningful convo but I have other avenues of support and fun now.

Op, The difference between my situation and yours is that your DP is making you feel shit about things that are meaningful to you and his head is inside the game - it does sound like it's an addiction but unless he is willing to sort it out I think you're relationship is untenable x

LV2NY · 28/08/2021 23:39

Yes, it so unsexy in a grown man! My husband was into them when were younger but not to the detriment of our relationship. He was never interested in playing them for huge amounts of time. We had a friend who was completely addicted and would be up all night, he was like a different person.

Anordinarymum · 28/08/2021 23:48

Has the game gradually taken over his life OP

Hekatestorch · 29/08/2021 00:13

[quote Potatofingers]@AnneLovesGilbert I will struggle to leave him as I’m financially dependent on him as I am a sahp to our DS currently.[/quote]
And does he do much with ds?

Sahp can still leave their partners. Yes, it's more difficult. But it can be done. You just need to start looking into what benefits you would qualify for, what CMS payment he would need to any you etc.

How old is ds? Can you get back to work and start preparing to end the marriage?

If you want to end the marriage, you can. You, probably, just can't end it tomorrow. You need a plan.

How king have you been together and how long married?

RosesandPumpkins · 29/08/2021 00:18

Absolutely it would upset me

Bouledeneige · 29/08/2021 09:42

Yes it would annoy me. My XH got addicted to gaming at one point and I wandered into his study one night and said 'remind me, what are you actually for?' I suggested his lifestyle was similar to a teenage boy. He cut down after that and got rid of the games.

MummyDummyNow · 29/08/2021 16:26

My ex was like this, one of the main reasons I left him. I wanted to be in a relationship, not live with someone who played games every night and ignored me.

You have my sympathy OP, tell him how serious this is, and if he doesn't change, leave, you deserve so much better.

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