Hi, I have an extremely fraught relationship with my in-laws and would like to get some perspective on it and how other people would approach it.
My husband does not have a good relationship with them. He was treated very differently to his sibling growing up and has a lot of issues around that. For example, when he went to university he was not allowed back to his childhood home. His failure to get into Oxbridge was stated as a reason not to bother going to university at all and they gave him no financial, practical or emotional support or assistance. Of course they didn’t have to but this was all given to his sibling (who didn’t go to Oxbridge either). When we met he barely interacted with them and our wedding was only the second time I met them.
I find them difficult; they are not the best socially and his mum is very awkward and difficult. Before we had children we saw them rarely - partly because my husband works abroad. Consequently we have a place to live where he works and one in the uk (I work here). My relationship with them deteriorated when my husband bought his first place where he works and invited his parents to stay with us. I was heavily pregnant and tried really hard to make them welcome. He was so excited and proud to show off his house and where he lived and - in particular - his mum was just awful. She wouldn’t eat or drink anything in our house - made his dad go out and buy fruit - wouldn’t even eat our bananas. She refused to do any of the things we’d tentatively planned and would only eat in one restaurant. She refused to use the guest bathroom and insisted on using ours. Worst of all she was utterly scathing about the house. My husband was so proud of what he’d achieved and I watched all his pride drain away. It was heartbreaking and my relationship with them has never recovered. It has descended into sniping and I can barely bring myself to be civil to them. She is rude, makes personal comments and is just generally a pain. I end up responding in kind.
This was not really problematic until we had children. My husband is now keen for them to have a relationship with our children. They are too. For me they can go to hell with the horse they rode in on. However, it is what he wants - though I think he’s setting himself up for disappointment. The children like them, particularly FiL.
Unfortunately, my husband insists that we deal with seeing them in a rigid way. Basically, he sees them infrequently, but it takes a whole day and they are allowed to do whatever they like - particularly with the children. I have to hold my tongue, play hostess and not rise to any of their nonsense, including not commenting on their interactions with my children that I find unacceptable. I cannot even ask them politely not to do certain things (most recent example telling my 2 year old not to show her knickers when she sits down). FiL is overbearing and frequently tells them - and our dogs (and me) what to do in my home.
Which brings me to why this has reared its head. I had a baby a couple of weeks ago. The end of the pregnancy was stressful and the baby was admitted to NICU for a couple of days with TTP but is now fine. I am not at my best; I found not spending the first couple of days with my baby really difficult and am on the emotional side (no excuse but trying to set the scene). They came to meet the baby last week bringing bags of treats for the other two. I wasn’t in a position to ration such treats because of the dynamic and they fed our preschooler until he was sick. It was horrible and I feel really bad about it. She also called my baby fat and made some unhelpful comments about our choice of school for one of the others.
We then saw them again for one of the children’s birthdays. First birthday party they’ve had with actual other children. FiL wouldn’t leave them alone to play with the kids and just kept interrupting them. He then proceeded to completely take over and serve the birthday cake. I know it doesn’t matter but I was gutted and really quite angry. MiL had asked for special food because she didn’t like the kiddy food - which I didn’t mind - but then refused to eat it, making a massive scene out of having a tiny taste and profusely thanking me. Other than that she sulked and was basically a spectre at the feast.
Husband and I had a massive argument because I hadn’t been accommodating enough. He called me a bully; I accept I put in the bare minimum of effort to be polite. But this always happens (falling out) because we are both so wound up by them. I hate the way he chooses to deal with them and can’t cope with it; I used to just avoid them but then they comment negatively on that and so that’s no longer acceptable to my husband. I don’t know how to grin and bear these horrific visits without upsetting my husband but don’t seem to be able to just let them roll over me. I don’t see him changing his approach - at least in the short to medium term so please help me with coping mechanisms so I don’t lose patience and end up being rude and upsetting everyone.