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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finding my father

22 replies

PlanetTeaTime · 28/08/2021 17:53

Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this I really wasn't sure

So, basically I've never met my father. My mum tells me she became accidentally pregnant and although always had the door open for him, he didn't want to be a part of my life. I don't think it was me so much, they were seeing each other exclusively but it was never love and they weren't serious. When I was about 5 we moved to a different part of the country.

I'm 30 now and I have just had my own child, it's one of those things I've put off for years. I did contact a company that find family members for you a few years ago, but they wanted thousands of pounds and I just don't want to spend that kind of money,

Just wondered if anyone had any ideas about how I might be able to find him?

I have a name, that's it, the rest is all sketchy details. My mum can't remember his birthday or any of that malarkey. I tried ringing CMS years and years ago, they said they couldn't help me because of data protection. It was frustrating at the time because they would have had his address just sat in the system.

On another level, do you think I should even do it?

He is a stranger. But he is the other half of me, so what if I left it too long and he died or something? Would I regret it?

Also, my mum told me he got married a few years later and had a daughter... so I have a half sister out there. I don't have any siblings so this is perhaps a big draw for me.

OP posts:

BigGooseyLucy · 28/08/2021 18:15

Could you put it out there on Facebook ?

Ancestry.com ?

There's a DNA test you can do that will match you with anyone else who has taken the test but obviously they would of had to taken the test tooo

If you do choose to find him hope you do

CarelessSquid07A · 28/08/2021 18:27

I'm in a similar boat.

I've done ancestry.com and 23andme testing which has been great at tracking down cousins.

Most of them have been happy to help with stories of him from when he was younger. Unfortunately he had died though which makes me feel really strange tbh.

BigGooseyLucy · 28/08/2021 18:31

@CarelessSquid07A

I'm in a similar boat.

I've done ancestry.com and 23andme testing which has been great at tracking down cousins.

Most of them have been happy to help with stories of him from when he was younger. Unfortunately he had died though which makes me feel really strange tbh.

23andme that's what I was thinking of

So sorry he had passed

Gingerkittykat · 28/08/2021 18:32

I also discovered biological relatives through ancestry.

QueenHofScotland · 28/08/2021 18:34

Is his name on your birth certificate?

user1493494961 · 28/08/2021 18:35

The Salvation Army has a tracing service to try and reunite families.

Original poster

PlanetTeaTime · 28/08/2021 19:28

@CarelessSquid07A

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you still think it was worth doing? Are you still in touch with his side of the family?

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/08/2021 19:36

Have you tried a the Salvation Army op? I'm sure they do a tracing service

Keepitonthedownlow · 28/08/2021 19:45

We found my mum's dad through the salvation army. They were excellent. We did have his name and date of birth however. But they will go on whatever you have, I'm sure. Do you know his rough age?

FatAnkles · 28/08/2021 19:50

How old was he when you were born? Does your mum know? Then you can have a rough year of birth at least, put in his name in ancestry and see if you get any hits. Might be more tricky if he has a common name though.Does your mum remember the names of any siblings, or his parents?

Social media is always a good idea. Also @Guiltypleasures001 is right, the SA have a family tracing service www.look4them.org.uk/salvation-army.html

Original poster

PlanetTeaTime · 28/08/2021 20:23

@Keepitonthedownlow @FatAnkles

Thank you I hadn't thought of the SA

I don't know his birthday no, I think he'll be early 60s now. I ask her things but as you can imagine things fade with time and get jumbled up so I don't know how accurate she would be about his age.

He is not on my birth certificate no.

Do you think he'd even want to speak to me? What if I contacted him and he turned out to be a horrible person?

I sometimes feel upset with my mum, why didn't she make a note of these things for me? I mean he is my biological father it was obvious I would want to find him one day, most people would.

I've never even seen a photograph of him. She met someone else and they decided between them he was going to be my dad, then their relationship broke down when I was a couple of years old and he left me as well.

I know it probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but that one actually hurts. He went off and eventually met someone else, got married had a beautiful family, four boys. I found him on Facebook and we talked a couple of times (just teeny tiny nothing conversations) and then he blocked me.

I'm getting all upset thinking about it now. Men can be so disappointing.

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 28/08/2021 20:27

You may as well do an ancestry DNA test and hope that some close relatives have also tested.

MacmillanMO · 28/08/2021 20:32

So, so sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful. Like you, I found my mum less than helpful. I suspect she wasn’t really sure which man it was - or perhaps had an ONS and knew nothing about the fella.
Later, after mum died, I found out who he was. He was dead too. No children (apart from me).

ancientgran · 28/08/2021 20:39

[quote PlanetTeaTime]**@Keepitonthedownlow* @FatAnkles*

Thank you I hadn't thought of the SA

I don't know his birthday no, I think he'll be early 60s now. I ask her things but as you can imagine things fade with time and get jumbled up so I don't know how accurate she would be about his age.

He is not on my birth certificate no.

Do you think he'd even want to speak to me? What if I contacted him and he turned out to be a horrible person?

I sometimes feel upset with my mum, why didn't she make a note of these things for me? I mean he is my biological father it was obvious I would want to find him one day, most people would.

I'm getting all upset thinking about it now. Men can be so disappointing.[/quote]
It is hard. My husband was briefly married to someone with a son, I think he was 3 when they met and 4 or 5 when they broke up.

One day he came to our door, he'd have been early 20s. He wanted to ask my husband why he left, DH was honest and said his mother didn't want him involved and as his own father was around it seemed for the best. He didn't tell him that he'd sent presents for years which a friend told him his ex took the labels off and put her name on to give to the boy.

Anyway he updated DH on his life, they chatted for a few hours, shook hands and he left. It meant alot to my husband to see him again.

LostGirl7 · 28/08/2021 20:40

Do not pay £000's. It's a con! You've got a name, there's plenty of amateur genealogists who will help you, online resources. Even without a DOB, you can put in a range/area. Surely your mum knows a ballpark age/area. Just whittle it down if lots come up. Use FB etc x

Original poster

PlanetTeaTime · 28/08/2021 20:42

@ancientgran

Your husband sounds like a nice man.

OP posts:

Original poster

PlanetTeaTime · 28/08/2021 20:48

@MacmillanMO

That sounds very hard for you. I'm sorry.

I find that I'm viewing a lot of things differently now I am a mum myself. Like a lot of the choices they all made, I can't help but think, what were they all thinking? They would have all been around the age I am now, you'd have thought they'd have known better.

I look at my daughter and I see myself, it all seems so much more messed up now.

Or maybe I need to get a grip! It could have been worse.

OP posts:

Original poster

PlanetTeaTime · 28/08/2021 20:49

@LostGirl7 I have tried to look on Facebook but I can't find him. It's also difficult because I don't know what he looks like haha

OP posts:

ancientgran · 28/08/2021 20:51

[quote PlanetTeaTime]@ancientgran

Your husband sounds like a nice man. [/quote]
When he's not being a pain in the behind. He is very kind, loves kids. The downside is he is a hoarder and I have to constantly fight to keep boundaries about where his junk/treasure can go. I dream of living in a minimalist house where I don't have to be on guard about stuff creeping in.

Mooloolabababy · 28/08/2021 21:11

Sorry to hear about how your stepdad treated you op, similar thing happened to my dh, someone he thought was his dad and all of a sudden, his mum and stepdad split up and stepdad never wanted to see him again, absolutely shocking behaviour imo, especially with a child!
Also similar is that dh had never met his dad, he wasn't on the birth certificate and was the result of a ons (dh mum was 17). Dh is now 45 and last year managed to find out his dads name through a relative (it wasn't something he felt he could approach with his mum, also, his mum has dementia so doubt she knows now) dh then found him on social media, contacted him and they have been in contact ever since (weekly phone calls) Dh also now has half sisters and brothers and we all met up this summer for the first time. All totally surreal but fantastic and just goes to show that things can work out! Hope you manage to find out who he is op, does your mum have any friends or relatives that may have more info on him, even a town/city he lives/lived? any of his relatives names etc?

junebirthdaygirl · 28/08/2021 21:29

Are you sure your mum doesn't know more? I am that age and would remember lots of details of exboyfriends and l never had a baby with any of them. Remember siblings names/ schools( we were young then)

Does your dm have any sisters who might remember any helpful details.
My ds did a DNA test and it showed up quite close relatives ..we know them all...so it's definitely worth a go.

CarelessSquid07A · 28/08/2021 21:34

I am glad I know but I struggle with I feeling real. I still have thoughts if meeting him in my head even though I can't. I guess he was always a imaginary Dad so his death doesn't feel real either.

And it does leave me with why but I am hoping one day someone who knew him at the time might pop up on my dna matches. So far it's just been people that saw him at the obligatory weddings and funerals etc growing up.

If you have a name and address of where they lived when you were born I would try and get an electoral roll report for that property. Sometimes you can then link it to further addresses.

I have always been and still am very angry that my mother didn't consider the fact that I might want to know him regardless of what she thought of him and I felt very unable to ask for that when I was young. I am lucky to have a photo.

The dna tests have given me more if a sense of belonging, that I am a part if a family if only distantly.

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