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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m not coping with my decision

28 replies

Ftsih · 28/08/2021 16:39

Long story short. And I’ll admit I’ve posted before but feel I need to cram it all into 1.

Met someone 5yrs ago. Honestly thought I’d got it right after a string of useless men. The cheating, gambling, abuse etc..this one was different.
We’ve done SO much together, holidays, trips, we have SO much in common, the way we met was very specific and spookily coincidental and I really was the happiest I’ve ever been.
Then something happened a few yrs back and he had almost what I’d call a midlife crisis moment, he just went quiet and then ignored me..I had no idea why, If I’m honest I’m still not 100%. We moved on, thanks to me pushing and things were good. We’d talked about moving together, it dragged on. I got fed up but unless I’d conform to his ways he’d sulk. I’ve pulled us out of it each time.
I’ve spent 95% of my weekends with him, BH, Xmas etc, and all majority good.
Then last week he had a moment again and sulked. He went silent and I threw my toys out of the pram and told him we weren’t working. I couldnt possibly deal with any more of it. I haven’t heard from him since.

I am really struggling today. With lots of things. The fact he wouldn’t have broken up with me, I’ve lost him due to my decision.
The fact I cannot seem to envisage weekends without him. We were so compatible and just clicked. My life was happy with him in it, the ignoring ruined all that and I should be cross. I know it’s a form of abuse and he’s punishing me..it just hurts so much for so many reasons.
How do I move myself on from this?? Everything I think of and see reminds me of us..it’s so sad and difficult

OP posts:

Catlover1970 · 28/08/2021 16:49

Stick with your decision . You made it for a reason. Do you really want to live your life treading on eggshells with a sulker? If he is adult and mature he will take this time to consider his behaviour and if it is meant to be he will get back in touch. Don’t get in touch with Him as then he holds the power x

sunshinesupermum · 28/08/2021 16:50

I think you made the right decision but are grieving the end of a relationship, which is natural. Give yourself time.

Dozer · 28/08/2021 16:55

It was a mistake to push to continue the relationship after he behaved like this the first time. Don’t compound that now.

Sounds like you very much wanted and still want it to work out, so let too much crap behaviour go in the hope that it would.

Paq · 28/08/2021 16:55

I think you have made a really healthy decision. Give yourself time to get over it but look forward, not back

Original poster

Ftsih · 28/08/2021 16:59

Thanks all. I was expecting negative replies so thanks for being kind.
Yes I was stupid to not walk early on, I can see this is a pattern that hes obviously got and knew I’d follow.
I’m struggling because I know he loves me and vice versa but only on his terms.
I need to try and get used to life without him but everything’s a reminder

OP posts:

Catlover1970 · 28/08/2021 17:51

Start making tentative weekend plans with friends and family. Try and keep busy and make a list of the things you didn’t like about him and the relationship. It’s natural to grieve the end of a relationship when you’ve shared so much but if you’re honest his behaviour towards you wasn’t healthy. There is another nice man out there for you - give yourself time xx

category12 · 28/08/2021 18:04

He wouldn't have broken up with you because he was training you and breaking you down with the silent treatment.

He might be great in a million ways, but he didn't want an equal partner, he wanted a Stepford wife.

SStopRaisingHim · 28/08/2021 18:16

@Ftsih

Thanks all. I was expecting negative replies so thanks for being kind. Yes I was stupid to not walk early on, I can see this is a pattern that hes obviously got and knew I’d follow. I’m struggling because I know he loves me and vice versa but only on his terms. I need to try and get used to life without him but everything’s a reminder

Big love. It’s still so early and it will consume all your thoughts for a while but one day you’ll wake up and not think about him. From what you’ve said you made the right decision & you deserve a partner not a sulking toddler.

Also, it’s not love if it’s only on their terms.

Keepitonthedownlow · 28/08/2021 18:18

That sounds so hard. But he should also be the person who fights for the relationship. It sounds like you did all the work and it was only good when you capitulated.

Original poster

Ftsih · 28/08/2021 18:33

Thanks all.
Yes I understand what I’m being told..it should be easy and at points it wasn’t, it was made to feel like I was being unreasonable and I need to drum that into me.
I have 2 sides to my brain. One is the above, where silence is a form of abuse and he’s being really selfish and uncaring.
The other side is breaking where I can’t imagine doing all the things I did with him with anyone else. I know we all say that but he was different. Most of it was good, more than bad, but this silence is what is damaging

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 28/08/2021 18:35

I’ve lost him due to my decision.

You mean you stopped being a doormat and he made it abundantly clear, that’s all he wanted.

Prioritising someone who treats you as an option was never going to end well, fortunately you self respect belatedly kicked in.

Grieve the future you wanted but accept the reality.

Maybe seeing a therapist is a good idea to help you understand why you ignored the red flags.

Lolabray · 28/08/2021 20:39

Going through exactly the same and for similar reasons and things weren’t going anywhere. It is hard but you will readjust x

Foxmylife · 28/08/2021 20:41

If he really wanted/wants to make it work he’ll be in touch. It sounds like you are the driving force and making a lot of sacrifices.

Original poster

Ftsih · 29/08/2021 22:25

@AgentJohnson agreed, but my future involved him. I’ve never wanted this with anyone else in the past, he’s so different. Yet I know it isn’t what he feels he can give me so I need to make the decision.

@Foxmylife yes you’re right. It just hurts that he hasn’t responded in any way at all. He’s just gone, possibly never to be seen again.
That’s so hard when a week or so again we were making plans.

This eve my friend tried to cheer me up with the dating sites she’s on. I can hue stay say I felt sick, cried a lot and feel like I’ve made a huge mistake right at this minute in time.

OP posts:

Lolabray · 29/08/2021 22:42

Ftsih He may turn up at your door. Mine just has. People can change and get help. What will be will be. Please don’t stress yourself. Meditation works and helps take some of that pain away.

DuchessOfDisaster · 29/08/2021 23:46

I’ve lost him due to my decision.

No, this is what happens when people set boundaries. You don't lose anything, you just get rid of dead wood. It's a sure fire way of the losers moving on from your life.

Anordinarymum · 29/08/2021 23:51

You have not lost him. You have taken control of your life back. Abusers trade on the insecurities they instill into you making you feel as if you can't manage without them.
Well you can
Well done
It will get better

Original poster

Ftsih · 30/08/2021 09:30

He definitely won’t turn up at my door that I know.
Yes I think I keep needing this drummed into me. Our issue wasn’t anything formative just sad it colder work. He ticked every box really ….it’s just tough, I feel like I’ve lost a best friend

OP posts:

layladomino · 30/08/2021 09:45

From what you say, life was good with him so long as he was getting his own way. Can you see what that means? It wasn't 'real', it wasn't 2 equals who each put the same amount in to the relationship, who compromise for each other, who make 50% of the effort each, who can each rely on the other when they need it.

It wasn't real. It only worked while you were being a doormat and letting him have his own way. I can imagine he'd be perfectly happy then - who wouldn't? But you were giving up yourself, your likes and needs, for him.

As soon as you showed you wouldn't do that he sulks, making you run around in circles trying to please him and convince him you're both happy. Then he has you back where he wants you.

That isn't love, it's him controlling you so he has a convenient person around to make him feel good and do his bidding.

You seem to have taken all the responsibility for the r'ship working, as though if he's happy you have to do all you can to convince him otherwise.

A healthy relationship is one where both partners take equal responsibily. Both look after the other, support the other, want the other to be happy. And noone sulks like a spoilt child.

layladomino · 30/08/2021 09:46

he's UNappy you have to do all you can to convince him otherwise.

Ogham · 30/08/2021 10:11

Even if he does come back after a long silence don’t take him back. Again this is abusive and a pattern he’ll continue throughout the relationship.
Have you considered doing the Freedom Programme? You said you’ve had a few bad relationships, this programme should help you with future relationships

user1471462428 · 30/08/2021 10:15

You say he tick every box, was one of those boxes having your self esteem systematically destroyed?

category12 · 30/08/2021 10:25

I feel like I’ve lost a best friend

I don't have any acquaintances, let alone a "best friend", who get shitty and silent on me if we're not doing exactly what they want all the time, who can't bear if I have another view on something, who ignore me until I placate them. He's not your friend, he just wants you to be a mirror.

litterbird · 30/08/2021 10:37

"We moved on, thanks to me pushing and things were good."

This sentence above is all that you need to read. It appears that you forced him into continuing and he just went along with what you wanted. His sulking is out of order but may have just been a reaction to being goaded along with something he really wasn't into? Anyway, at least you can learn from this and step away the first time the silent treatment happens, dont push anyone to come back to you and if he does get in contact dont engage and try and move on as best as possible.

Original poster

Ftsih · 30/08/2021 11:49

Thanks all. I know what you’re saying and you’re right. I guess over the years we’ve had things arise and got through it, not by me giving in but he has learnt his ways haven’t been acceptable. This silence was the one thing he promised me he’d learn wasn’t acceptable yet he’s doing it again.
I guess what I find hard is that I know he’s as upset as me, he just doesn’t want to/have the capability to sort it out

OP posts:

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