Hi..sorry for the long post But i just wanted to see if any mums have been through something similar and have any words of advice. I have been married to my husband for 7 years, weve been together for 11 years. In the beginning our relationship was never great. I had come out of a bad marriage and was in a bit of a mixed up state. Although I was enjoying my single life with friends I always wanted to find someone who would be “the one” but I think that I put too much emphasis on the importance of this like I needed a man to validate me.
I met my husband through a mutual friend and we started dating. I didnt fancy him but chastised myself for going for looks alone and decided to see how we went. Very quickly I was swept up by the love letters and trinkets he showered me with as the attention was all very flattering being pursued and not being the pursuer for once in my life. He told me he loved me from quite early on but I couldnt say it back it was too early. Cracks started to show when he was made redundant and asked me for money (about 2 months after we had started dating) I refused politely but he got shouty but then apologised and told me he would give it me back when he got a job. This was in hindsight the first stupid mistake on my part. Since then he asked a couple more times, lied to me about where he was once until I found out from his friend he wasnt where he said he was. (He wasnt cheating though just lied about where he was!?)
Anyway despite a rocky start i think i was swept away with all the letters, songs, and gifts he showered me with. We stayed together we had ups and downs. I moved in. We got married and then we had our first baby. I had v bad pnd and foud it very hard. Esp as breast feeding. When i stopped I gradually felt better but this little person had changed me (as they do) I became less interested in wanting to go down the pub (his favourite pass time- not to get drunk but to drink). I then got pregnant with our second baby. When we had her we had already discussed at length, moving house/relocation so I could be near my mum (who used to get the train every single week to help me with my first born which was a long journey and alot to ask for her)! Anyway when my second daughter was 6 weeks old we moved. I found it hard with only 20 months between them and I am always tired. They are very demanding and boisterous and exhaust me, but I love them to bits. However through all this..More bigger cracks appeared in our marriage. I found out he had hidden from me over £10k worth which Really shook my trust in him. He hasnt ever really shown remorse for keeping secrets. I tried to get him to get a consolidation loan but was told I was a “nag” then after a year when he finally did get one…he lied to me about paying his debts off with it and said he had..he hadn't and blew the consolidation loan as well!? Who knows on what!?
He never wants to spend time with the children. When he is watching them whilst I have a shower or have an appointment he either puts them in front of the tv or shouts at them for being loud playing whilst he watches tv (he wouldnt think to take them to the park as in his words “its boring”)
His lack of interest in making an effort with the children upsets me on top of his lies and secrets. In addition he keeps threatening to leave (in front of the children which really gets me so upset and angry because that isnt right!) Then one day he said to me “er some woman might get in touch with you..some woman i scorned in the past has been on my fb and said she thinks its about time to tell you about us…just delete her she is off her head”!
I waited for some message to come my way but it didnt but its made me wonder if he was being truthful about this!? Its v suspicious i thought?
Anyway during the pandemic things got worse we have been living on top of one another, contempt has set in, he is unhappy because we never “have fun” - as our children always have to come first as We have no one to babysit (my parents were vulnerable and couldn't do it) i suggested we went to couples therapy..he said he doesnt need counselling and that its me and i need to stop having a go at him. So I decided to do to it alone. I didnt feel it was helpful as how could I fix a marriage on my own!?
Anyway. I spend my days putting all my energy in trying to do nice things with the children, take them to parks in holidays and after school as I have been a sahm since they were born I have no money of my own. (We agreed I would be a sahm before having the children and I at that point didnt know about the debt and just as a foot note he has always been ok with giving me money for getting the girls clothes etc and clothes toiletries for me if I need them- although in arguments he had said “im not giving
You any of MY money anymore for anything”)!
Anyway so now I am looking to get a job now my youngest starts school and I have a part time job but not enough to pay for the bills and mortgage.( I hate not having my own money and its been something thats been bugging me for the last 2 Years, but with the children and lack of help i thought it wasnt worth working part time to pay someone all my wages to look after my youngest it seemed pointless) am at a point where I feel I am only staying with my husband for the girls…but the constant disagreements and criticisms I get from him ( ie- im just a sahm And my house cleaning is rubbish and our home is a pig sty….which it isnt even my family and friends have vouched for this) make me feel like this isnt the best for the children.
Im sorry for the looooonnnng post thats a bit here there and everywhere but …I feel at a loss with my morals. Is it better to stay in a miserable marriage for the children or call it a day? Am I being over the top thinking he is controlling or even mentally abusive perhaps?