How to help myself heal

[Appleandbanana123]

I am currently in lockdown in Australia, in a bubble of one. I went through six months of emotional rollercoaster in my marriage only to find out that my husband had been cheating on me. He didn’t just have an affair but rented an apartment and opened a joint bank account with the woman.
So the last two months have been spent trying to get my head around all the lies, the betrayal and the humiliation whilst trying to get him out of my life (in practical terms). I threw him out, changed the locks but here I am now stuck in lockdown and finding it impossible to think about anything else.
For the record, my husband is a typical narcissist. And yes, there were plenty of red flags (not about his infidelity) which I chose to ignore when I went ahead and married him.
I have two problems:

1. although I’ve blocked him everywhere so that I’d stop getting his meaningless messages (teenage style, “missing you” emoji and all) which I found really hurtful and insulting - every message is a confirmation of how little he valued me and our marriage), I can’t help unblocking him and the woman every so often… I have no idea what I am hoping to see. It’s even crossed my mind that I am just seeking to inflict further pain upon myself. That’s exactly what happened yesterday. She’s changed her Instagram profile picture to a photo of him with her little boy sitting on his lap. I don’t understand why I am doing this to myself and why I am finding it almost impossible to occupy my mind with other thoughts.
2. that leads to something else that I’m failing to comprehend: before all of this happened, in mind I was more or less checking out of our marriage. I didn’t want my marriage to fail but I was struggling to (happily) live with our very different values, the absence of a genuine ‘we’ and that I never felt truly supported (somehow every problem I had became about him). I had, for example, already decided that due to his inability to manage his money (and compulsive buying) there was no chance that I going to take on financial commitments with him. However, I wasn’t quite ready to turn my back on our marriage and the commitment I had made. Then the gaslighting started (apparently all our problems were my fault, because I had made him feel rejected) as well as months’ worth of lies… He could have just called it a day instead of humiliating me… But what I am really trying to understand is: why am I so obsessed (??) about it all to the point of keeping an eye on social media or getting worked up over his ridiculous messages if I already knew that our marriage was coming to an end? Or is it simply the betrayal and humiliation that I’m struggling to process? For all my mistakes, I was never unfaithful or disloyal and I expected the same back, and for us to part in a dignified and respectful way.

I think you need to give yourself time to grieve. You made a lot of good decisions logically, but now your heart needs to catch up to your head, a d you need to give it the time to.

Honestly, you need to go cold turkey on the pair of them. Block them on every platform you can so that you don't get updates, and aren't tempted to check. You don't mention children so apart from the actual divorce there is no need to maintain contact.

That, and time, will let you heal.

Where are you in lockdown btw? I'm in Victoria and the latest lockdown has been very difficult for me to cope with emotionally.

Hi there 👋 I must be losing my marbles. I am in Auckland, not Australia ;-) We are a week and a half into our 2021 lockdown and I’m finding it incredibly disheartening. ‘Normal’ routine, going to the gym etc were really helping me cope with my emotional turmoil. Sending you lots of positive vibes!
I was supposed to go to Sydney in September to see Keith Urban and had ticket for Hamilton as well - no chance that’s going to happen…
The glass half full is that I am deeply grateful for the timing of it all or I may have found myself in lockdown with my lying, cheating husband. Ironically, I have the other woman to ‘thank’ for it as she was the one that revealed their affair/relationship. It was a shock to receive a really long, detailed message from somebody I had never even heard of calling herself his ‘girlfriend’.
You are right though. I’ve been really pragmatic and efficient but reality is that my heart is a mess!

Hi

You sound like you are doing amazingly well.

I’m in a similar situation, have a google on trauma bonds, that may help to explain what you are feeling.

Everything I’ve read says to go no contact with a narcissist, which includes not looking to see what they are up to on social media - easier said than done.

My ex moved out about 7 weeks ago and it’s really hard, we have kids so I can’t go no contact so I can’t imagine how hard I would find it with lock down on top of that.

Things that have helped me. Doing anything I can to distract myself, going for walks with music on, I have the headspace app so I use that for meditation and to help me sleep.

Good luck and I’m sure things will get better soon. After all you aren’t with him anymore!

Hi there, I am sorry to hear about your circumstances! I hope you and your DCs are doing ok.

My DS is 22 and near his dad in the UK. I relocated to NZ three years ago, after he left home to go to uni.

I’d find it very hard if I was having to maintain contact but of course the children’s well-being comes first! In my case, cutting all links and making it crystal clear (albeit silently) that I don’t need him in my life has helped immensely.

Thank you very much for mentioning ‘trauma bond’; it makes sense and one interesting point is the reference about one’s childhood experiences as when my marriage crisis started (gaslighting period; pre other woman’s revelations) I was shocked to see how much like my mother my husband is. I even said it to a friend that I somehow ended up marrying a version of one of my parents, and she’s somebody that I’ve had to learn to keep at arm’s length as she invariably adds to the pain and drama (often simply by making it clear that whatever is going on in her life - and just like my husband, there’s always some drama! - is far more important).

Take care and have a good weekend.

@Capricorn8990 I feel loads better now but still get tired super quickly. Had really bad heart palpitations for two weeks but I also kept testing positive for another week after the 10 days. I'm double jabbed too! It was not nice so I'd hate to think how I would have been if I didn't have the vaccinations! How are you feeling?! X

So sorry wrong thread!