Hit a wall...please help!

[notwavingbutdrowningabit]

Haven't been brave enough to post before now but I just need to get this out and I think that this is a safe place...

Been with DH for a very long time. Nearly 30 years. I was only 17 when we got together. He is an absolutely wonderful man and I love him very much. Incredible dad and he really is my best friend. No abuse, nothing untoward. He is a genuinely good man and I really love him.

So why do I feel so sad and lost? I have been feeling for while, lost. Kids are teens and about to fly the nest. I have a stressful job and am the main breadwinner but I love it. DH is also in a stressful job with long hours. I feel like such a cliche in an impending midlife crisis!!

We are ships that pass in the night. But whenever I suggest a 'date' or try to initiate anything, DH gets very defensive. He has told me that he is completely happy and wouldn't change a thing. I'm not. There is no passion. Whenever I try to initiate anything, it feels like a chore. We sit, night after night watching telly and I'm thinking 'Is this it?!' DH thinks that a good date is us going to the cinema to watch a film that he wants to see whether I'm there or not. If I ask if he wants to do something together, he gets defensive and says 'Well, I don't know what you want. I'm happy. Why aren't you?'

I crave intimacy. I want him to want me. I've tried time and time again to initiate intimacy (not necessarily sex, but kisses or holding) but just get brushed off. It feels that he's not interested.

I think my problem is that he is happy and content and doesn't see why I'm not. And to be truthful, I'm not sure why I'm not happy. When we try to discuss it, it goes wrong as he sees it as my problem. He's happy so why am I not?

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't know who I am anymore.

Any advice or help out there....thank you. And thankyou for reading my outpouring. Which in itself has been cathartic...

It sounds like you're a bit fed up with life in general? If you don't want to spend every night watching TV, find something more exciting and do that. If dh wants to join you, great, if not then at least you're doing something fulfilling. Some time apart might help rekindle things too.

It won't magically fix everything, but doing things for yourself might at least help with I don't know who I am anymore.

Do you have many mutual friends OP?
Perhaps you could invite people round for a meal now and then. Or join a group activity.
It's easy when you're tired after work to just watch the TV.

There is probably a lot of factor at play here, but I do want to mention the impact peri-menopause can have on every aspect of your life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, you name it. It can make small things feel like very, very BIG things, and while I am in no way dismissing your feelings, I'm just pointing out that peri may very well be a contributing factor and something to think about.

As for you and your husband, I think you should try therapy. Communication is obviously a big problem.

Just a thought but could he be experiencing some problems with erectile dysfunction or something similar? That might make him reluctant if he is embarrassed by it. I am not sure how you bring it up but it could be the issue.

Well you're younger than me and I don't blame you for wanting more. You suggest and initiate stuff but all he wants to do is watch stuff. That's boring.

I remember earlier in the year my boyfriend and I started getting into the habit of watching tv after dinner and I didn't want that. And now we rarely watch tv, instead we chat for hours, play games, cook, google stuff, go out for a walk. It is much more fun. We don't live together though so appreciate that if we did, we would spend some evenings watching tv.

I don't know what to suggest because you already do what I would suggest. Maybe sit him down again and tell him that it is boring and you want to do more instead of just being a passive espectator!

@notwavingbutdrowningabit I don’t have the answers but could have written the same. (I have Another thread going atm) My husband and I had a lot of issues a few years back which we’ve worked hard to resolve, but what I’ve found is that now these issues are gone - there’s not much left behind and we spend our time existing together rather than knowing how to enjoy each other’s company!

I think there’s got to be more to life than this and if your husband isn’t willing to change it, either go out on your own and do things, as previously suggested, or find someone else who will do these things with you!

I haven’t quite got up the courage/conviction to leave yet but I have most definitely started doing loads of things on my own, things I’ve always wanted to do but he never would have. Please don’t let this man force you into a boring existence of housework and tv.

He sounds really boring. A lot of older men are.

I'd find a like minded friend to do some things with and some hobbies or groups to join. Once your cups start being filled again, you can reevaluate how you feel about your marriage.

Your feelings are valid. It’s inconsiderate - at best - of your H to suggest that because HE is OK with the status quo, you should be!

Counselling (by yourself) might help you reflect on the various challenges in your life at the moment and whaf you’d like to do.

I have no particular advice, but I saw the same pattern of behaviours In my parents marriage with my Dad being ‘settled’ and boring in his 50s and in my own marriage with my ExW being the boring one who only wanted to watch the TV.

Personally I don’t think you need counselling as you seem pretty self aware, try just writing a journal of your current thoughts.

As for your relationship, I think once you have gathered your thoughts, you should be able to turn these into a conversation with your husband and assess who you are feeling about each other, but he might not like this conversation very much, so tin hat on.

As others suggest, try doing more on your own, clubs, hobbies, even an evening walk or cycle ride.
Good luck

Nothing wrong with wanting sex and to spend time in each other's company. Perfectly normal wants and needs in a relationship.

Look at it this way: if positions were reversed and you knew he was miserable and wanted more from your relationship, would you just say "but I'm happy the ways things are"?! You'd care about his unhappiness, wouldn't you?

There's something wrong with him, if he doesn't give a shit that it's working for him, but not you.

Is he pulling his weight with household chores and life admin, or are you doing the bulk of it?

Because if its the latter, I would cynically think that's why he doesn't want to split. He's currently got a live in cook and cleaner whose salary enables him to live in a nicer house than he could afford alone(?) and he doesn't even have to bother making any effort at sex.

Have you ever suggested couples counselling?

He may be a fantastic dad and wonderful man but he’s not a very good husband.

My advice from bitter experience - don’t find yourself falling into an affair. Deal with your marriage first.

I get it

I think that you need to find extra things to do on your own or with your DH;

In the evenings or mornings on the days that you work. In particular, during the summer it doesn't get dark until 10pm

On the days the you don't work eg weekends or days off shift

On your holidays

Start talking about what you both want to do in retirement

It also depends on your budget

I have friends who go to the gym at 5am before work !
Volunteer
Join some local clubs
Try new sport
Raise money for charity
Allotment
Travel - covid allowing
Start a project
Move house, job
Make a bucket list & do it
Do something for you !

Thank you everyone. I've just reread my post with fresh eyes and a clear head. Your kindness and understanding into how I'm feeling have made me cry. You get it. Thank-you.

To answer a few questions- definitely no problems with ED! We do have sex. Nice, loving sex. But it is, unsurprisingly, rather predictable!! We even pencil it in (god, I'm cringing)

Counselling - I've been thinking about doing this for a while. By myself. Namely to deal with some other stuff but I think just getting this out on here has been cathartic. A journal is also an excellent idea. Can anyone advise as to where I would go about finding a good counsellor?

We have lots of mutual friends and yes, we are very sociable. However, I tend to socialise more with my own friends. DH is happy for me to go out without him as he's not really a pub / party person. Shocker!

Housework - DH definitely pulls his weight and we share jobs. We both work long hours but I've never felt that I carry the burden. Well, except during mat leave years ago but that's another story!!

Affair - yep. This has occurred to me. I would never ever do that to DH. I have an old friend who I know has feelings for me. Not happening ever but can see how these things develop. I avoid said friend completely now...

@Aquamarine1029 I have definitely been feeling changes recently that are more than likely peri menopause!! Hit me like a ton of bricks!

@Cantdecideaway I'm sorry you feel this way too. 

@category12 that really struck a chord. Thank you.

I used to have lots of hobbies that all seem to have tailed off over the years due to work, children, etc. I'm going to give myself some time to think about what I'd like to do again. And do it myself if necessary.

Again, thank you all. I'm only (!) mid-40s and I want to feel like me again. All very Shirley Valentine but maybe if I fucked off to Greece, it might give him a kick up the arse he needs...

To answer a few questions- definitely no problems with ED! We do have sex. Nice, loving sex. But it is, unsurprisingly, rather predictable!!

At least you can do something about this, it takes two to tango, so take the lead in the bedroom and get busy!